Let’s have a little fun. Let’s do like the Americans do, and rewrite the definitive Canadian version of Argo (hey, if Hollywod can fictionalize it, so can we):
The six Americans escape, and are on the run in Teheran.
Suddenly, six women in camo bikinis appear (gotta have the sex appeal, which Canadian movies never have). They are equipped with both handguns (strapped to their thighs), as well as AR-15s. They escort the confused and scared Americans to the Canadian ambassador’s house.
The women are identified as members of CHICS: Canadian Heavies In Crown Service. A CIA official tries to intervene in the name of the United States of America, but the CHICS put him up against the wall, and ask, “You think so, Yankee-boy? This is our operation.”
The CIA operative is forced to leave, and is promptly set upon by an angry Iranian mob. He dies.
The US President is at a loss for what to do. This never happened in the movies that he starred in–the US always won. What to do? He calls the Canadian PM for advice.
The Canadian PM calmly advises that “we have everything under control.” The US President asks, “With your military? You have to be kidding!” The Canadian PM says, “We don’t need a military. Just watch us.” The US President has a flashback to 1970–after an advisor, who knows a researcher, who took “Canadian Studies” at the University of Rhode Island, tells him what “just watch me” means in Canada. The President agrees to let the Canadian PM handle things.
The Canadian cabinet agrees to issue fake Canadian passports to the six Americans–only if each can pass Canadian tests. Each must agree that hockey is the best game ever; that the Stanley Cup is more valuable than the Super Bowl; that basketball isn’t really a game and besides, it sucks; that Harvard gives a lesser education than University of Toronto; that CFL is superior to NFL; and that single-payer healthcare is better to whatever the US offers under private health insurance. All six Americans agree.
Off to the airport. The six CHICS run interference, which mostly consists of shocking Muslim clerics on the streets of Teheran. (We need sex appeal at this point to keep the audience interested.) At the airport, the pseudo-Canadians (i.e. Americans) hand over their passports to the Iranian exit control guard.
Iranian official: Who is going to win the next Stanley Cup?
Pseudo-Canadian: Boston. Toronto always sucks.
Iranian official: Yes. What are you looking forward to when you get home?
Pseudo-Canadian: An ice-cold Ex.
Iranian official: Good. Do you have any cigarettes?
Pseudo-Canadian: Sure do. Export, eh? [Or “DuMauri-eh” or “Matin-eh.”]
Iranian official: Thank you. Have a nice trip.
The six Americans touch down in Toronto. The US President is there, welcoming his coutrymen home, but also tearfully thanking the Canadian PM. The PM breaks the fourth wall, and winks at the camera.
Next–Canadian Caper Two: Kandahar Boogaloo.