The Celebration of Mrs. Claus' Bottomless meat

The Celebration of Mrs. Claus’ Bottomless meat is a tradition among my friends and myself. I’d like to see it become a national holiday (but seeing as how Swiddles’ Chicken Day hasn’t quite caught on I’m not holding my breath). It’s based on a sign in the window of an all-you-can-eat joint in my neighborhood that read:

MRS. CLAUS’
BOTTOMLESS MEAT CELEBRATION

platter
$3.99!!
[sub](gravy 50 cents extra)[/sub]

We were all struggling through our finals at the time and so sleep deprived that “Bottomless Meat Celebration” became the joke that just wouldn’t die, so we based our Christmas party around it.

The rules are: everybody brings everybody else a gift (helps to only have six or so friends). Gifts have to be $3.99, give or take 50 cents. This way everybody gets lots of gifts and everybody can afford to buy them. The person who finds the most weird, tacky, funny, obscene, etc. gift is crowned The King/Queen Protector of the Royal Order of the Bottomless Meat and gets an extra special prize.

This year marked the fifth COMCBM party and it was fantastic despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that fully half of us are newly unemployed (mostly freshly sacked Web Developers). It was held in the backroom of a Chinese restaurant owned by a rather surly man who, despite the horror and noise we subjected him to, never cut off our beer.

The gifts were as follows:

Inflatable Snakes and Owls
We’re pretty sure these things are intended as garden scarecrows. They have really nice scale and feather patterns printed on them and once inflated the snakes can be easily thrown javalin-style all the way across a Chinese restaraunt (producing many dirty looks and mumbling in Mandrian). The owls make for a great improvised table vollyball game (more dirty looks).

Magic Color-Change Virgin Mary
My contribution. I first saw these in an old folks home where I used to work and was instantly smitten with just how tacky they are. The Devine Mother of Christ [sup]TM[/sup] changes color from pink to blue depending on the humidity and can be used to predict when it’s going to rain. I almost creamed myself when I spotted them selling in an import shop way back in July and bought ten just for the COMCBM. I think I would have won this year if I wasn’t the host.

Hello Kitty Panty Liners
Ugh! The boxes were printed exclusivly in Japanese so the ladies at the table made us guys guess at what the hell these things were (though we pretty much suspected that they were something wretchedly feminine). Side note: they absorb beer just as fast as those commercials suggest. Great for those “heavy flow days”.

"Merry Monk"
Cheaply made plastic novelty that when his head is pushed down his, er… “Holy Staff” is displayed (incidentally, the waiter loved it!).

William Shatner CD
My friend burned us all CD’s of an old William Shatner album. I have yet to listen to it, but if it’s anything like theose Priceline.com commercials it ought to be, er, interesting.

"Storm" whistles
At 94.7 decibels the package claims that they are the worlds loudest whistle and I’m keen to agree. We tried them out and they really are ear-splitting (it was the last straw for the restaraunt owner who demanded “You no do that NO more!”). Available at Wal-Mart, Maggie found out about them from a womens self-defence class.

And the winner was:

"Ninja Force!"
Horrible, cheaply made, oddly proportioned ninja action figures in bizarre clashing neon colors. Clearly based on DragonBall-Z, the best thing about them was that if you smashed them with your fist the heads would shoot off with a loud POP!! noise and sail clear across the restaurant (I suspect they weren’t designed to do this). They were 98 cents each from a “Dollar Tree” store so we all got four. We managed to destroy all 24 of them, leaving the restaraunt a mess little limbs and heads scattered all about (though it was the whistles that eventually got us tossed out). We all agreed that these were the funnest gifts of all so these won the grand prize of a giant inflatable Mr.T bop-'em bag.

Merry Christmas everybody.

I know I’m a newbie here, but…
HUH?

Is it just me, or does that sound really dirty?

Oh, and BTW, Mrs. Claus’ Bottomless meat would make an excellent name for a rock band