The celebrity/fictional character/Doper story

Let’s start another story. (Incidentally, I apologize if it seems I have been monopolizing other stories in this forum.) :frowning:
Please restrict your characters in your contributions to:
Actual celebrities, living or dead.
Fictional characters, from books, plays, movies, TV, or even comic strips.
Dopers, including Cecil, Ed Zotti, and Slug Signorino. :slight_smile:
Al Gore, vacationing at an undisclosed site during the campaign, heard a whooshing sound. Charlie Brown came up, chagrined that his kite got stuck in a tree. A phone in a handy booth rang, and Gore answered. “It’s for you, Charlie Brown,” he said. “Some guy named Regis.”
Charlie Brown, in his haste to hurry to the phone…

…tripped over Schroder’s piano. And on the set of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, Linus now had no one to help him answer the question about Joe Shlabotnik’s lifetime batting average. So he guessed…

…that it was .250, but Shlabotnik, in the audience, spoke up (his comments were excised by the production staff.
“I’m Shlabotnik!” he yelled. “It was .350!” He was ushered out, although the audience cheered him. In the audience was Archie Bunker, who moaned, “Aw geez! They’ll let anyone in here!” Sitting across from him were two Dopers, who retorted:

“Goddamn, Schlabotnik, you’re getting old!” After hearing this, Dana Elcar dialed the Phoenix Foundation on his cell-phone. “Give me McGyver…”

But McGyver was unavailable, so Dana was forced to use The World’s Smartest Man, Cecil Adams. With only a cherry stem, neodymium magnet, and a staple remover (and a little bit of duct tape), Cecil built a…

…“cherry-flavored stapler,” as he called it. Bart Simpson saw it and said, “Cool Man.” Unimpressed were Huey Long, D. A. Hamilton Burger, and Sylvia, who put Bart–and the innocent Cecil–to an unnecessarily blistering castigation. Several Dopers, along with Alfred E. Neuman, and Mark McGwire…

…decided to order chinese. The food was delivered by Kevin Arnold, but the voice of Daniel Stern was heard throughout the studio, revealing a few of Kevin’s embarassing thoughts…

Launched an immediate counterattack to rescue Unca Cecil, which suceeded due to the military assistance of General George S. Patton, who brought his own tank. (How considerate! :slight_smile: )
Chaos was unleashed on the set of the TV show when…

Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson staggered in drunk and tried to pick a fight with Cecil. Cecil cleverly had Ed Zotti step up and fight for him while he…

unleashed the vengeful shade of Lizzie Borden on a hapless Regis. “I’ve got your final answer right here, you annoying putz!” she shrieked, brandishing her trusty, rusty ax. Taking a step back, she tripped over a now-inert Don “The Dragon” Wilson, slicing off an enormous piece of his…

…laptop computer, thanks to her state-of-the-art hollow-ground titanium-plated ax.
Then Lt. Columbo stepped up and mumbled, “Ms. Borden, there’s just one thing I forgot to ask you about…”
dougie_monty ran up but Lizzie and Columbo waved him away. Melvin Belli boomed out, “Dougie, let the officer do his job.”
Lizzie got nervous because, along with Columbo and Belli, she saw the approach of…

…O.J. Simpson, Ron Dayne, Eddie George, and Charlie Ward, piled into a slow-moving white Bronco. Running after the Bronco were Big Bird and Gordon from Sesame Street, panting out the lyrics to “One of these things is not like the others.”

“One of you is the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman, and I’ve got PROOF!” Columbo shouted.

“Fuck, no!” Charlie Ward exclaimed. “I’m the only one of this carload of Heisman Trophy winners who ended up playing in the NBA!”

Slowly, the Bronco weaved its way toward…

Bert and Ernie–not from Sesame Street but from It’s a Wonderful Life, along with old man Potter, now reformed. Potter growled, “Bert, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I was guilty of the theft but Simpson isn’t guilty of anything.”
At this observation, Sgt. Joe Friday approached Potter, Columbo, and Unca Cecil and spoke up:

“That’s a wrap. How about some ice cream?” The group tottered off towards Baskin-Robbins and fought their way through ChrisCTP, Prairie Rose, Persephone and Shirley Ujest and all their ice-cream-sticky children. Cher and Dionne Warwick were behind the counter, actively promoting the Psychic Caramel Swirl and the Fit-as-a-Fig sundaes. Meanwhile, across the street,

Louis Pasteur and Mary Baker Eddy were engaged in a lively, almost violent argument about science and origins. Pasteur had had the foresight to learn English but he never expected to encounter a feisty woman like Ms. Eddy.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson approached, and spoke calmly to make some points…

…but their words were cut off as the great detective and his sidekick were brutally cut down by a wild spray of blaster fire.

“Goddamn Imperial Stormtroopers” Mary muttered, swiftly ducking under the cafe table, pulling Louis with her. The two watched as Has Solo ran past, followed by a number of men in white plastic armour. “Never could hit anything they were aiming for.”

Louis crawled out from under the table, eyes burning with bloodlust. All those years of secret passion with John Watson, cut off by a random act of violence. Grabbing a blaster from a fallen Stormtrooper, he ran after the remaining soldiers screaming…"

…“Let’s get out of here! The paramedics are coming!”
And they were. Johnny Gage and Roy De Soto, the siren on Squad 51 blaring, were speeding to the scene to treat Holmes and Watston for their wounds. :slight_smile: They also brought Nurse Dixie McCall with them, to render a tongue-lashing to that musclehead Schwarzenegger if need be. In any case, Arnold ran like a scared rabbit! Chortling happily over this state of affairs were Judge Judy, Gilbert Gottfried, and Walter Cronkite, who observed triumphantly that…

“…that’s the way it is!”
At the hospital, the paramedics rushed Holmes and Watson into intensive care, where Brackett, Early and Morton did their damnedest. Dixie came out and told Johnny, Roy, Pasteur, and Ms. Eddy, “The’re in stable condition. Kel pulled 16 slugs out of Mr. Holmes and ten out of Dr. Watson.”
Then she turned to Johnny, and gently pushed him against the wall. She got up close to his face and looked him square in the eye, and in her sultry voice, asked, “Johnny, will you marry me?”
“Yes!” he bleated.
Now they were lying on the floor and coupling. As the astonished Roy walked out of the ER on his way to the squad, the only people he saw, wherever he looked, were a man and a woman on the floor or the ground in passionate coitus. Johnny’s shift was over, and as Roy drove back to the station, he saw…

…Regis Philbin, Bill Gates, and Alfred E. Neuman, who agreed that…

…they couldn’t agree on anything. It remained for Jan Harold Brunvand, making a cameo appearance here, to set the record straight: