The "Choose Your Own Adventure" thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was thinking about this today. A slight shift on regular “add to this story” type threads. This one plays like a regular “add to this story” thread but you add several choices for the next poster. The next poster picks which option, adds to the story, then gives the next one several choices.

Ok,. So here we go.

You arrive at the party a little late. Of course, being the super cool person you are, you always arrive slightly late. You enter the main hall and are instantly taken by a woman standing next to the ice sculpture of Ernest Borgnine. She looked somewhat familiar, perhaps from your early days as a top secret government spy.

Do you:

A) Walk over to the woman.
B) Decide you need to use the bathroom.
C) Ignore the woman but strike up a conversation with the ice sculpture of Ernest Borgnine.

2

C)

You casually stroll over to the ice sculpture, picking up a Stoli Martini from a tray carried by a midget pirate. As you casually chat with Ernest about glueten levels in select dishes, you carefully watch the striking female in the sculptures reflection. She’s smiling to no one in particular, and then takes a Keystone light in the manner of a hot chick in a bad beer commercial. Then you notice she unhinges her jaw and swallows the bottle whole like a snake.

Do you:

A) Change the conversation to meat sculpting
B) Turn around and try to perform the same trick to impress her
C) Ignore the situation and go karaoke to Journey’s ‘Oh Sherri’

3

C)

On your way to the microphone, you accidently kick an empty bottle lying on the floor into the ice sculpture. As it begins to shatter, you also see the snake-jawed woman turn around and run upstairs.

Do you:

A) Follow her upstairs
B) Pick up the bottle you kicked
C) Try to catch the falling ice sculpture

4

I used to read those “Choose Your Own Adventure” stories as a kid. Loved 'em. So, I’ll play.

I couldn’t quite figure out from where I knew the dazzling redhead, so I decided to chat up Mr. Borgnine instead. “Tell me, Ernie, what exactly happened between you and Ethel”? No response. I turned my attention to hor d’oeuvres. Dozens upon dozens of finger foods were laid out, just waiting for me to snatch them up and revel in their delectability Out of my peripheral vision I saw the redhead coming my way. Suddenly I remembered from where I knew that familiar face. Slightly embarrassed to see her again after all these years, I was unable to decide what to do.

Should I:
A) Suck it up and talk to her
B) Pretend I don’t recognize her
C) High-tail it out of there

5

B) Pick up the bottle you kicked

You read the label “Wallenbergs Snake Oil”. AH HA, this is starting to make sense. This explains how the woman managed to swallow the other bottle… or does it?

Everyone seems to be looking in your direction,. no,. looking directly at you. Is your fly unzipped? Do you have a “kick me” sign taped to your back? No,.

Oh yeah, you’re standing on stage because “oh shari” started to play.

Do you:

A) Sing “Oh Shari”
B) Sing the Oompa Loompa song instead.
C) Follow the snake jaw woman upstairs and get to the bottom of this.

6

B)

Only moments into your song, you suddenly feel guilty. Before you even get in to the really good “Doob-a-dee-doo” part of the song, you have this sudden urge to-

A) Go upstairs already
B) Say hi to someone in the crowd named “Mala”
C) Switch back to your best Steve Perry voice and rawk the room.

7

B)

" Hi, what is that?, does your name tag say Mala? Say thats my moms name. Anyone in from the Bay of Biscay tonight? Sheesh what a tough crowd. What is it with airline peanuts nowadays the packets are so slippery you would think they had been up the pilots ass. "

BOOOOH

" You know they say its width and not length that counts right, I bought may wife and hers sisters a hockey puck and a bottle of olive oil each last Christmas, my ass is still sore people I am telling ya, where she learned that slapshot I don’t know. "

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

" Did I mention the peanuts thing already? Hey what about the rain in this town? Don’t people say some stupid things when it’s raining? Yesterday I walked into a shop soaked to the skin and the shop assistant was good enough to remark and inform me the instant I walked inside from the fucking rain that “It’s still raining” ??? huh? so I replied that no it was not, this is actually sweat you are seeing as I have been shagging all day, then I shot the bitch. "

GET OFF

…as the crowd begin to get nasty you notice a small waterfall of slime is now trickling down the stairs from the room the fiery red-head went into.

Do you -

A) Slip upstairs (boom boom)?
B) Continue the act and ignore the filth being flung at you?
C) Slip some pieces of Ernest (the) Borgnine in your back hipper so when it begins to melt it looks like you have wet yourself, so you can then enjoy the delicious shame.

8

B

At this point, a well-dressed man steps up to the stage and hands you his business card. He’s a Fox TV representative, who wants you to try out for “American Idol.” “Mediocre singers like Ruben and Kelly, we can find anywhere. They’re all interchangeable. But the people we NEED are the people like you, people who have no talent at all. Nobody tunes in to see good singers, after all, they tune in to watch SImon rip idiots like you to shreds.”

As he walks off, you look at the back of his business card. It says “Meet me down on Pier 56 at midnight. It’s a matter of life and death.”

Do you:

A) Load your revolver and proceed to Pier 56

B) Say “Forget that, the show must go on,” and launch into a medley of “Wheel in the Sky”/“Open Arms”

C) Follow that supposed “Fox” rep out the door, prepared to pummel him until he tells you what he’s really after.

9

A) Load your revolver and proceed to Pier 56

You continue entertaining the crowd for a while with covers of such hits as “I Ran” by Flock of Seagulls and “Rock Me Amadeus” by Falco until you realize it’s quarter to twelve. You reluctantly pass the mic to Owen Wilson and Mr. T, who are also at the party, and begin to cover the song “Ebony and Ivory”. Walking towards the pier you realize what a stupid move you’re making and check to make sure you still have your gun on you. Suddenly you’re surrounded by twenty gorgeous, gun toting supermodels. Each one sexier and more super than the next!

Do you:

A) Seduce every one of them consecutively, allowing you to continue to pier 56.

B) Turn and run away screaming, hoping they won’t shoot you in the back.

C) Whip out your cell phone and call Owen Wilson and Mr. T for some advice.

10

A)

A little tired and a little sore you proceed to pier 56 (Unaware that in approximately 9 months you’ll be in court for a very, very VERY long time. Fortunately, all your children grow up to be rich supermodels and look after you very well in your old-age*)

Sadly all your bullets were used up during the complicated seduction of 19 supermodels (I knew it!) many of whom had sadly forgotton to bring their ping-pong balls.

You approach pier 56, however one of the boards breaks underfoot and you’re slipping down you…

A) Grab the ankle of an unknow passer-by

B) Fall inelegantly into the sludge below

C) Put your arms out so that you resemble a capital T and brace yourself for when you hit the deck
*pending survival of current adventure

11

B) Turn and run away screaming, hoping they won’t shoot you in the back.

Unfortunately, they do shoot. Fortunately, the guns are loaded with rubber bullets. Painful, but not lethal. All twenty guns are fired multiple times, but only six bullets hit you. As you fall, the dripping remnant of the sculpture shatters, leaving you a pocket full of crushed ice.

You get up slowly, moaning. A particularly super supermodel offers you a hand and helps you to your feet. “Where were you going, honey?” she asks. “We need your help. You’re the only one who can possibly help us.”

Do you:

A. Say “yes, you obviously need help with your marksmanship.”
B. Fall back down and moan some more.
C. Shoot her.

12

A) Seduce every one of them consecutively

You begin salsa dancing and shaking your ass as you sing random spanish words that sound sexy. All the women start swooning to your seductive dance moves as you slap your ass to the tempo. They all start dancing with you, and you take this time to bring out your revolver and empty all 6 shots into the crowd of supermodels. When you are out of bullets you hurl your gun at one of the supermodels and nail her in the middle of the forehead.

Do You:

A) Scream like a little girl and run to Pier 56.

B) Scream like a little girl and start swinging your fists wildly in an attempt to increase your hand-to-hand combat skill.

C)Play dead.

13

Oh dear.

Can we go for the breaking wood one, since it was up first, has far more sex in it and um, it’s mine… :slight_smile:

14

haha, well it’s up to the next poster :slight_smile:

15

(Oh, heck, I’ll acknowledge Flapcats’ precedence. Macabresoul, you can go next.)

B) Fall inelegantly into the sludge below.

Your gun, empty anyway, falls out of your hand and sinks to the bottom. Several pairs of supermodel briefs float out of your hastily-put-on clothing.

You suddenly notice that the pocket containing the ice sculpture is glowing bright red.

One of the supermodels, you believe the fourteenth chronologically, leans over and throws you a rope. At the same moment, a periscope appears out of the water. Do you:

A. Check out the glowing in your pocket.
B. Grab the rope and hope that you remember her name correctly (Was it Rowena?)
C. Investigate what is apparently a submarine.

16

B) Grab the rope and hope that you remember her name correctly (Was it Rowena?)

You Climb up the rope using all of your strengh. 15 minutes later you reach the top of the pier wheezing and gasping for air.

“Is that a glowing ice sculpture in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”, said Rowena seductively.

“Oh, well, actually it IS a glowing ice sculpture!” You exclaim proudly.

You notice a sillouette of a man smoking a cigerette at the end of the pier. Rowena is still standing there playing with her hair.

Do you:

A) Whip out your glowing ice sculpture.

B) Think up another sexual innuendo.

C) Walk towards the man at the end of the pier.

17

A. You open your pocket to find that a seventeenth century pirate has used it to bury all his loot. Your pocket is practically overflowing with gold dubloons and other archaic currences. Will you:

A. Spend it all on knitting needles
B. But yourself a huge gold crown and take a walk around Peckham with it proudly balanced on your head
C. Give the money to the Battersea Retired Police Dogs’ Home.

If you want an to read an almost infinite supply of similar nonsense, check out my website; www.groundchuck.co.uk where you will find ‘Escape from the Crazy Place’, a choose-your-own-adventure which I wrote, with the help of friends, for nearly twenty years.

18

C) Walk towards the man at the end of the pier after leaving some loot in a nearby Battersea Dogs Home charity plastic dog ( keep telling yourself it was plastic, it’s too late to go back on it now).

You walk towards the man only glancing down once and noticing Donald Sutherland crouching under the pier, you shine a torch in his face and it makes you smile (award yourself 1 annoy the Irishman point).
As you get nearer to the cigarette smoking man you realise that it is actually 3 identical men standing in a semi-circle, their sawn off stilletos and pink leather bowling bags clearly mark them out as being members of a gay bowling team.
There is a sign hanging from a chain above them that reads ’ One of these gay bowlers always lies, one of these gay bowlers always tells the truth, the other bowler might goes both ways and only made it into the team by default.
Bowler No.1 says " The door behind me will lead you to you doom. "
Bowler No.2 says " The door that is gently nudging my ass will take you to safety. "
Bowler No.3 says " The door behind me is Jim Morrison, and if you keep looking at him like that I will pull a button off your new shirt mister. "

As you ponder this you realise that Bowler No.2 is the only man who is actually standing in front of a door, there are no other doors to be seen.

Do You -

A) Sing some ABBA then while the bowlers are into their routines slip through the one and only door?

B) Go up the outdoor metal steps that lead back to the party house and the slithery red-head?

C) Ask Jim Morrison if he would like to go out for a coffee sometime just to piss off the bisexual and mix it up a bit?

19

A) Sing some ABBA then while the bowlers are into their routines slip through the one and only door?

All three bowlers start humming along to “Dancing Queen”. The first bowler begins to dance, and the other two watch that scene. You slip through the door.

As you do so, you realize that Bowler #1 was right. The door leads to Doom. You wander through a short, dimly lit hallway and pick up a single-barreled shotgun next to a medi-kit. There is a growling noise behind you and you spin around.

It’s a Baron. You’re going to need that medi-kit.

You fire the shotgun as the first fireball starts flying toward you. Ouch! There go 60 health points, and the shotgun hasn’t even slowed it down.

You figure you’re finished, but then Rowena (?) steps up behind it and slices its head off neatly with a graceful one-handed swish of a katana. Do you:

A. Grovel at her feet saying “thank you, thank you, thank you!”
B. Reach for the medi-kit.
C. Shoot her with the shotgun. (You’re supposed to be the hero of this story.)

20

A. Grovel at her feet saying “thank you, thank you, thank you!”

She smiles and tells you to get up and get a hold of yourself. The two of you stand there awkwardly for a while. Finally you break the silence.

“So…umm, this is hell? You know, it’s not as drab as I thought.”

The door behind you opens again and the Fox exec. steps in.

“Oh, so you’ve found my office. Rowena, would you be a dear and make us some coffee?”

Rowena shoots the Fox exec. the evil eye but reluctantly makes her way to Hell’s kitchen.

“Your office is in hell?”

“Yes, that’s where all of us Fox exec’s get our show ideas from. Where do you think we get such brilliant shows such as “When Animals Attack!” and “Mr. Personality”? From us?!”

The both of you have an uproarious, belly laugh.

“Now sir, about that music contract.”

“Yes?”

“The only label we can sign you to is a small, local label, Lucifer Records. Ever heard of them?”

Just then Satan appears behind the Fox executive. He is really quite well dressed in a seersucker suit and rockport shoes.

“You know I always you’d be taller.”

“I know, I get that a lot.”

The Dark Lord pulls a flaming pen from his pocket and the contract.

“Care to sign?”

“That’s a nice pen.”

“Yes, it’s a mont blanc, I got it as a graduation gift.”

So do you:

A) Sign the contract, making yourself a minion of Beelzebub.

B) Continue stalling with the Devil hoping that maybe he will forget about the contract and invite you up to his room to check out his demo tape that he and his friends made in his garage.

C) Challenge Satan to boxing match, to be held on Fox’s Celebrity Boxing.