The "Choose Your Own Adventure" thread

B) Continue stalling with the Devil hoping that maybe he will forget about the contract and invite you up to his room to check out his demo tape that he and his friends made in his garage.

“So, um, Satan… how about that Sammy Sosa bat thing? You think he was cheating all the time he was hitting those home runs?”

“I don’t know. Want to check out my demo tape?”

“Cool! It worked!”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. You made it in your garage, right?”

“No, in the room where we pour molten lead into people’s intestines. We open their crotches with toothpicks, and…”

“Let’s hear the tape.”

“Okay. Right this way.”

You follow Satan through a hallway exactly his height, which means that everyone else needs to bend to fit through. Even Rowena, who follows you while scribbling Diaphantine equations on a clipboard. “…where D equals centuries of damnation,” you hear her mumble. The Fox executive fondles Rowena, who complains until she is offered a mini-series.

Satan leads you into a small auditorium, with about 30 seats. He opens a closet and emerges with a large, complicated helmet with a bunch of industrial-strength straps, connected by tubes and wires to a loud machine still in the closet. “Put this on,” he says, “and you can hear my band.” The Fox executive snickers. Rowena seems to be doing some complicated calculation. Do you:

A. Put on the helmet.
B. Shoot Rowena. After all, it must be her fault.
C. Ask to see the Mont Blanc pen again.

A. Put on the helmet.

Suddenly you are transported into an old rerun of Perfect Strangers. Balky is being his usual, crazy self. He has built a time machine and Larry Appleton is trying to stop him for travelling 50 years into the future.

Do you:

A) Help Balky fend off Larry and the both of you travel into the future.

B) Help Larry stop Balky and destroy the time machine.

C) Sit there and watch hoping that Satan will transport you into an old rerun of Three’s Company. (The Furley years, cause I’m sorry but the Roepers sucked!)

A) Help Balky fend off Larry and the both of you travel into the future.

In the mood for a good fight, you attack Larry using your patented Ninja Foo moves (which looks like The 3 Stooges meets Pokemon). This gives Balky time to fire up the time machine. The two of you hop in and with a whoooooooooosh off you go into the future.

As you watch the world age in front of your eyes you consider hanging Balky’s head outside just to see what happens. You know you shouldn’t, but you REALLY want to.

Do you?

A) Give Balky a slight nudge and watch his face whither.
B) Kick Balky out of the machine all together (the past wasn’t ready for Balky, why would the future be?)
C) Sit tight until the machine stops.

A)

It’s pretty cool watching Balky’s face melt off.

What’s that?

OH NO! As Balky’s head crumbles into dust, the highly accelerated last nerve impulses from his brain pump into his spinal cord! Balky’s body is twitching all over the place!

Do you?

A) Duck, and hope for the best.
B) Shove his spastic corpse outside.
C) Prepare for a crash landing?

C) Prepare for a crash landing?

You and Balky’s corpse crash land in Neo NYC 2054. Pauly Shore is President, Big Mac’s cost $14 and people dress in silver jumpsuits and ride around on segways. The Starbucks across the street has a “HELP WANTED” sign.

Do you?

A) Apply for a job at Starbucks.

B) Go see “So Fast, So Furious” the 14th crappy sequel at the AMC.

C) Find out who won the last 51 World Series games.

D) All of the above, plus clone Balky so he can come with.

A) Apply for a job at Starbucks.

It doesn’t take you long to figure out that a lot has changed in 50 years. Your clothes are all wrong, the music is unfamiliar (it sounds middle-Eastern), the coffee making equipment is strange and minimalist. There isn’t a cash register.

You decide to watch people before mentioning the job. The first customer, a 30-ish man with a silver necktie angled parallel to the floor, comes in and orders a double-caff. “What size?” says the young woman behind the counter (who looks suspiciously like Rowena).

“250.”

“Milk or sugar?”

“Just milk.”

She presses two buttons, and a cup emerges and begins to fill. “$12 please,” she says, grabbing the cup. The customer passes his hand over a black plate and there is a small beep. “Thank you,” she says. “Did you want to leave a tip?”

“Okay, a dollar.” She pushes another button, the customer waves his hand again and there is another beep. The customer leaves, sipping his drink. The woman (Rowena?) turns to you and asks “may I help you?” Do you:

A. Ask about the job.
B. Order a coffee and make small talk.
C. Attempt to rob the store, even though there is no cash to take.

C. Attempt to rob the store, even though there is no cash to take.

With desperation in your eyes, you leap over the counter and grab one of the oddly minimalist coffee makers. Brandishing it like some kind of unwieldy club, you threaten the poor woman behind the counter.

“This is a stick-up!” you scream.

The woman (Rowena?) stares at you blankly. You’re getting some very odd looks from the customers. Just at this moment, 19 oddly familiar, very beautiful women saunter into the coffee shop, all giggling and chatting, all wearing some very revealing silver jumpsuits. Do you:

A. Ignore them and continue your ill-fated stick-up.
B. Dash out the back door.
C. Shrug, approach the women, and do what you do best.

C) Shrug, approach the women, and do what you do best.

They seem to recognize you. That’s interesting. The tallest one moves the chairs away from a table, and they form a circle. Knowing your cue, you jump up on the table, and bow deeply.

“Thank you, thank you! Here’s a little tune from the last century-- Feel free to join in on the chorus!” you say, and begin to sing:

A) “Oh, Sherri”
B) “Seperate Ways”
C) A new Journey tribute song of your own creation.

C) A new Journey tribute song of your own creation.

You sing your new Journey song which eventually turns into a cover of “Anyway You Want It”. The girls all clap and you bow gracefully again and run out of the store.

A large group of future yuppies have all gathered around your time machine.

“Hey get away from there you freaks!”

The crowd dissipates.

“That’s right, move it along.”

You jump into the drivers sit and look at Balky’s corpse next to you.

“Why! (Pause for dramatic effect) Why did I do it!” you scream. Suddenly you realize you’re in a time machine. You decide to go back and stop yourself from killing that lovable Balky.

You boot up the machine.

A booming voice echo’s through your brain.

“Going somewhere?”

It’s Satan.

“Umm…no where special, just back in time.”

“Really?”

Suddenly your location changes. You’re now teetering on the edge of 10,000 ft cliff. The winds are strong and you find yourself struggling to stand still. A thousand of Hell’s worst demons are lined up behind you. Satan laughs and then coughs and then laughs.

“You have three choices. You can jump, fight or agree to work for me.”

Which do you choose?

A) Jump
B) Fight
C) Work for the Devil

A) Jump

… but not off the cliff, that would be silly.

You jump up and down in place, then say to Satan “all right, I’ll be seeing you now.”

“Drat and heck,” says Satan. “I should have been more specific. From now on, my lawyers will review all offers.” He lets you pass.

Okay, you got past that problem, but you’re still in an unfamiliar part of hell. This is not even as much fun as falling twenty feet into scummy water, let alone having sex with a metric ton of supermodels. Your evening has been going steadily downhill.

You walk through a neon strip where every storefront is a Jack-in-the-Box restaurant. Loudspeakers are playing the “greatest hits” of Gilbert O’Sullivan. Herds of dachsunds run up and sniff your crotch, yipping.

You look behind you and see the Fox exec, following and yelling into a cell phone. Rowena is nowhere to be found. Do you:

A. Eat at a Jack-in-the-Box.
B. Eat a dachsund.
C. See if the Fox exec wants to play golf.

A & B) You wander into the Jack-in-the-Box, where you find that, in Hell, dachsunds are the normal source of meat. You order a dachsund cheeseburger, a side of fries, and a small drink. This being Hell, the beverage choices are Lemon Coke, Crystal Pepsi, Faygo Creme Soda, and goat urine. You decide that goat urine is probably the most drinkable of the four. You sit down at a table and take a bite of your burger. Surprisingly, and rather disturbingly, it tastes like the Beef Chow Mein you ate for dinner last night. You grab a couple of fries and, looking closely, you realize that they are deep-fried earthworms.

Having lost your appetite, you head for the door, only to find that it is blocked by a demon. He’s one of those nasty, Hellraiser-type demons: dressed in black leather, his face and hands are covered with a network of stitches, like he was run thru a giant sewing machine. He’s built like an NFL linebacker, and he definitely looks like he could kick your ass. “Hold on, buddy,” he says with a voice that sounds like he’s been gargling broken glass, “you haven’t paid yet. In Hell, you pay for purchases with pain. That meal will cost you one kick in the nuts and two bitch-slaps.”

Do you:
A) Bravely accept your punishment,
B) Try to fight your way past the demon, or
C) Run into the bathroom like a pathetic coward

A) Bravely accept your punishment,

“Gee Mr Demon Sir. I didn’t realize all the rules in hell,. being new around these parts and all”

The demon just looks at you.

“So,. ok. Here goes”

You clear your throat…

"You should a been gone knowing how I made you feel"

The demon is stunned

"And I should a been gone after all your words of steel"

The demon falls to his knees screaming. You stop singing for a second and ask how that feels. The demon can hardly speak. “More?” you ask.

"Oh, Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on"

The demons skull catches on fire. “Enough” he cries. “When I said you pay for purchases with pain,. I meant YOUR pain.”

“Well, you didn’t say that now did you?”

The demon mumbles something about being more specific and having lawyers will review things in the future and hobbles off. You decide, just for fun, to finish him off.

"Oh, Sherrie, our love holds on, holds on. Oh no, Oh Sherrie!!!"

A blinding flash of light, and the only thing left is a pile of white powder where he was.

“Geesh” you think “Hell is a kind of a silly place”

Just then you notice an elevator door inside Jack-In-the-box. Oddly, there is only an “up” button.

You:

A) Push the button and wait
B) Pretend it’s the late 70’s and snort the white powder remains of the demon while singing “lovin, touchin, squeezin”
C) continue hanging on hell’s main street and see what’s around the corner

C) Run into the bathroom like a pathetic coward.

That meal was SO not worth a kick in the nuts and two bitch-slaps from that bruiser! And not having had anything to eat except the meal from Hell, you don’t think you are pumped enough to fight him… at least, not without some pharmaceutical help.

You dash for the bathroom, scattering sticky Formica tables and unsteady chairs in your wake. Mr. Hellraiser, being a bit slow on the uptake, has to process this for a few seconds before the concept of pursuit occurs to him. In those few seconds, you’ve reached the bathroom (which is dirtier and smellier than any Earthly gas-station men’s room could ever be) and closed the door. You feel for the lock… holy heck! This is Hell- there IS no lock! You hear Mr. Hellraiser roaring with insane fury, smashing the pitiful excuses for furniture that lie between him and the bathroom. Oh, damn.

You look around the bathroom. There is a small, narrow window near the ceiling; it’s so dirty that you can’t tell whether or not it opens. If it does open, you might be able to squeeze through if you strip naked, grease up with that tube of K-Y in your pocket and hold your breath. The toilet seat is unspeakably grimy, but it looks like a good yank would pull it off. You could conceivably use the toilet seat as a club on Mr. Hellraiser once he gets to you… which won’t be long now. Or, there’s the original plan. You have a shot of uber-upper-combat-drug in a false molar, a memento of your days as a spy. Bite down just right and the drug will release; only thing is, it takes a few minutes to do its thing. You don’t have a few minutes before Mr. Hellraiser gets to you!

Do you…

A) Try the window
B) Pull off the toilet seat and use it as a club
C) Take your combat drug and attempt to distract Mr. Hellraiser with a song-and-dance routine while it takes effect

(Two story threads, two simulposts. Am I jinxed or something? Oh well, I suppose next poster decides which to follow.)

A) Push the button and wait

Whilst waiting, you watch the powdery remains of the demon blow away in the warm breeze of Lucifer’s domain. Hot breeze, rather.
The elevator finally opens, and you step in. There is only one button on the wall of the elevator (as well as an emergency stop and call fireman) and it has a big “P” on it. You press the button and the elevator begins its ascent. You hum along to the Ozzy playing as elevator music.
The door finally opens and you find your self (o-ho!) at the pearly gates, facing St. Peter.
Oddly enough, Ozzy is also playing here.

Do you:

A) Get back in the elevator and press the “Call Fireman” button
B) Say “Hey St Peter, how’s it hangin’?”
C) Rush the gates of Paradise

B) Say “Hey St Peter, how’s it hangin’?”

This gets no response. You walk closer to St. Peter and see that he is in fact a two-dimensional cardboard cut-out. On the back are two inscriptions: “Made in the Republic of Purgatory” and “Inspected by #417728561183”. A post-it note says “Back in 5 minutes”.

So you stroll into heaven. The gates are real pearl, and everything else is fully three-dimensional. Heaven is a nice place. A really good party is going on, and the real St. Peter is drinking from an enormous beer mug. He salutes you with it, saying “okay, you caught me. You get a free pass this time. You’d be surprised at how many people just wait politely.”

“Yeah, I bet. How’s it hangin’?”

“(Laughing.) That’s good, you’ll fit right in here. Oh wait, aren’t you here already?” He points to your right.

You look across a beautiful field to a tent and see yourself talking with Britney Spears. She seems very interested in you. You do a serious double-take. Then you notice more familiar faces, including many who shouldn’t be in heaven because they’re still alive.

And then you remember the time machine. Hmm. Confusing.

Do you:

A. See if you can steal Britney away from your other self.
B. Go talk to Elvis, who is eating a taco.
C. Move the cardboard cut-out at the gate and sit there yourself, so that you can decide who gets into Heaven.

A. See if you can steal Britney away from your other self.

You walk over and push yourself aside.

“One side loser!”

You turn and face Britney.

“Hey!”

She smiles.

“Hi!”

“Baby, I’m no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bedrock!”

Britney swoons. You shoot yourself a smirk and walk away hand in hand with Britney.

“So Britty-brit, what’s there to do in Heaven?”

“Umm…everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

“Really?! So what if I wanted to skydive naked and smoke a Cohiba cigar right now?”

Magically you find yourself falling with a golden parachute on your back. Britney is freefalling next to you, she’s also naked! You take a puff of your cigar. “This if the life!” you think to yourself.

A few minutes later the two of you safely land and you find yourself flustered at your new sense of freedom. You can do anything you ever wanted!!!

Do you

A) Take Britney back to your penthouse apartment in Heaven.

B) Play some doubles tennis with Sean Connery, Chuck Norris and Jerry Seinfeld.

C) Get some Stella Artois and see what else is shaking under the big tent.

D) Dump Britney for the much hotter Kylie Minogue!!!

A) Take Britney back to your penthouse apartment in Heaven.

Fortunately, Brittney knows where you live; she’s been going steady with your other self for a while now. When you get to your apartment, however, you find that it isn’t empty. Your other self is sitting at the kitchen table with Jesus (you know that it’s Jesus because of the glowing circle of light that surrounds his head.)

The Son of God stands and greets you as you walk in. “There seems to have been a bit of a mix-up. Those gay bowlers were supposed to keep anyone from getting into Hell. You shouldn’t be here. Not yet, at least.”

“Why was there a door to Hell there in the first place?,” you ask.

“It appears as needed. Rowena and the other demonesses were there to collect a drug dealer who got whacked by a rival.”

“Oh. Well, now that I’m here, can I stay?”

" 'Fraid not. This other gentleman (he points to the other you) is the future version of yourself, after you die. You’ll get in here when the time is right."

Jesus takes you by the hand and leads you out of the apartment. You shout a goodbye to Brittany as Jesus takes you down the hall and into what looks like a utility room. At the back of the room, behind the hot water heater, is another elevator. Jesus takes out a key and unlocks a small panel next to the elevator. Inside the panel is a keypad. Jesus types in a date, “June 18th, 2003,” and hits a button marked “Summon.”

Immediately, the door opens. “This elevator will take you back to Earth, on the day after you left.”

“Can’t it wait?” you whine, “I have so many questions I’d like to ask. Like, who really shot Kennedy, and what was your dad thinking when he created Carrot Top?”

“That’s what Heaven’s Library is for.”

With this, Jesus pushes you into the elevator. The door immediately snaps shut. You look around, and spot the control panel. There are three buttons. A sign above them says, “Push button for desired destination.”

Your choices are:

A) Nome, Alaska

B) Buttsquash, Arkansas

C) Lonely Rock, Wyoming (population 2)

C) Lonely Rock, Wyoming (population 2) (now 3)

The elevator crashes down into the middle of town in a misted of lighting bolts and wind. The doors open and there are two people and a dog starring at you.

The first person looks at the second person and says, “Well Holy shit bubba I think its that Jesus guy I read about.

“Holly shit I think your right… well what do we do?”

“I think its time to run…”

You look at them as they run off, the dog looks at you and seems to speak in some form of tongues. But oddly enough your understand him. The dog mentions something about a portal on the edge of town. Well seeing as how the population is only two, now three, there is only a house so it’s basically in the back yard of the house.

A) Chase bubba and his pal.
B) Go to the edge of town.
C) Pet the dog and tell him he is a good puppy.

B) Buttsquash, Arkansas

You push the button for Buttsquash because you’ve never been to Buttsquash and have heard really good things about Buttsquash.

You decide to hone your singing skills (just in case a demon arrives)

"You should a been Buttsquash knowing how I made you feel"

…Pretty good you think,…

"Oh, Sherrie, our love, butt squash, BUTT SQUASH"

…you pratice a little air guitar… whaaa-whaaa-whaaaa

Just into the third verse the doors open. You peak out and look around and realize why they call it Buttsquash.

Perhaps this wasn’t the best choice -but the lights next to the other locations are still lit.

You:

A) Get out and do the Buttsquash
B) Head off to Nome, Alaska
C) Decide to get lonely in Lonely Rock
D) Crack the control panel cover and mess with the wires.