Oppps. Happened again.
I guess it’s up to the next person to,. eeerm… choose their adventure. 
D) Crack the control panel cover and mess with the wires.
Wow, that was strange. You remember heading on over to Lonely Rock. There was a cute dog. But it seems that never happened, as the light’s still on. How strange! Clearly there’s something not right with the elevator.
It only takes a few kicks to get the cover off the controls, and suprisingly there is no shower of sparks. Good job.
“Now, if I just move a few jumpers, poke at those dipswitches, and bridge right here with a paperclip, I’ll be able to go anywhere!” You begin to laugh madly, “ANYWHERE!”
You then:
A) Dive in, humming the theme to “MacGuyver”
B) Get really in to doing the “Mad Scientist” laugh, instead.
C) Realize, “Oh shit, Jesus is gonna be pissed!”
B) Get really in to doing the “Mad Scientist” laugh, instead.
You take out your PDA, connect it to the motherboard via a USB cable, and program the elevator to take you to the mall near your house. Unfortunately, you forget to reverse the polarity on the Cochran infindibulator, which is essential because you’ve rerouted control thru the mezion matrix. Consesquently, instead of taking you anywhere, the elevator explodes.
“Sweet Jesus, Billy Joe, did you see that?”
“I sure as shit did, Elvis! I thought explosions like that only happened in movies. What the hell happened?”
“I dunno. Maybe it was a terrorist attack.”
“In the barn where Billy Jenkins stores his pot? More likely it was one of them damned DEA agents.”
You slowly open your eyes. You are lying on top of a compost heap. Miraculously, you seem to be unhurt, except that your clothes are tattered and burned. You must have been blown clear by the explosion. As you look around, you see debris everywhere. Evidently, the exploding elevator destroyed a nearby barn. The smell of burning hemp hangs in the air.
“Hey look at that guy!”
Billy Joe and Elvis have noticed you. Elvis is a heavy-set, dark-haired guy, and Billy Joe is a tall, skinny readhead.
“Are you alright?” Billy Joe asks.
“Who are you?” Elvis asks, “and what the hell happened?”
Do you:
A) tell them the truth,
B) pretend that you are an innocent bystander,
C) pretend to be a DEA agent, or
D) grab some stray marijuana leaves and ask to borrow a rolling paper.
A) Tell them the truth.
You tell them the whole sad story. Elvis looks at Billy Joe and says, “It’s worse than we feared. Much worse.”
He looks at you and says, “You don’t know how serious this situation is. Sure, you’ve been to Hell and back, but you don’t really grasp what’s going on.” He hesitates, then decides to fill you in.
“Satan has been at work for a long time now, trying to destroy mankind by destroying music. Yes, Don MacLean had it exactly right. Satan is laughing with delight, because the Day the Music Dies is coming. It’s been coming a long time, only nobody’s seen it.”
Listen to classic rock radio, and what do you hear? Listen to top 40 radio, and what do you hear? Saccharine power ballads that sound like Journey Wimpy ballads by Journey. Turn on country music stations, and what do you hear? Guys in cowboy hats singing wimpy ballads that sound just like Journey. Sir, don’t you understand? Steve Perry is the antichrist."
You shake your head, and refuse to believe it.
Elvis presses the point. “You yourself, sir, what have you found yourself singing from the very beginning of this adventure? Journey songs. Do you honestly expect us to believe that it’s ebcause you LIKE them? Isn’t it far more likely you’ve been under Stana’s spell all along?”
Yes, yes, you acknowledge… that makes sense. But how does Fox enter into this?
“Well,” Elvis says, “We speculate that Rupert Murdoch is part of this conspiracy, too. He’s pushing the FCC to eliminate all regulation of media. With lucky, he thinks he can buy EVERY television and radio station in the world. And soon, ALL of them will play nothing but Journey. Then, Satan’s plan wil be complete.”
You’re stunned… it’s all you can do to ask Elvis, “But who are you? How do you know all this? And why do you care so much?”
Elvis opens his jacket, and you see a white satin jumpsuit underneath. Suddenly, you realize… Elvis is really… Elvis! THE Elvis! By God, the Enquirer was right! Elvis is alive!
He says, “I’m the one who got America rocking, who gave the kids something to listen to besides the wimpy mush they used to play on the radio. But now, all I stood for is in danger. Rock and roll will be dead soon, replaced by Journey and its clones.”
He pauses to munch on a peanut butter 'nanner sandwich, then continues: “I foresaw all this back in 1977. When those first Boston and Foreigner albums hit, when Styx cracked the top 10, I could tell a Satanic plot was afoot. And I knew I had to stop it. TO do that, I had to go deep undercover. So, I started wearing a fat suit, pretended to forget lyrics, and pretty soon people thought I was on death’s door.”
“But now,” says Elvis, it’s time to take on wimpy corporate rock, and destroy it once and for all. You’ve proven you have the guts to help me. Will you join me?"
Of course, you say, though you’re fighting the urge to startsinging “Send Her My Love” or “Faithfully.” You ask Elvis what he needs you to do.
He offers you a choice of 3 missions:
A) Take a high-powered rifle to Dodger Stadium and shoot Rupert Murdoch.
B) Plant some high-powered explosives at Madison Square Garden, where there’ll be a big Loverboy/Survivor reunion concert tonight.
C) Sabotage all wimpy AOR and top 40 radio stations by calling their DJs incessantly, yelling “Howard Stern! Baba-booey!” and then hanging up.
Woah. I’ve got nothing for those options…
Umm,
C) Sabotage all wimpy AOR and top 40 radio stations by calling their DJs incessantly, yelling “Howard Stern! Baba-booey!” and then hanging up.
Having done so, do you:
A) Kill yourself? You really feel like it, after all that time making an ass of yourself on the phone…
B) Chase after Elvis with a tire iron, screaming “WHY WON’T YOU DIE!?!”
C) Wander off in search of those sexy 19 women you keep running in to?
C) Wander off in search of those sexy 19 women you keep running in to?
After shouting “Howard Stern” into the telephone for hours you just start thinking about stripers. You aren’t really sure why, you just do. You decide it’s time to hunt down those sexy ladies again.
You rig a computer up with a recorded message war dialer left over from the early days of your “Little Bastard Computer Kit”. You program it to call radio stations every 10 seconds.
Once the computer is up and running, you head off looking for the ladies. Considering you are still in the middle of nowhere, you head to the nearest Greyhound Bus station. After a few hours of walking down the highway you arrive at a small gas station named “Last Chance Gas and Over Cooked Hot Dogs”. Lucky for you it also happens to be a Greyhound Bus stop. (Funny how your luck in this adventure is going.)
Being in the mood for gas from an overcooked hot dog, you walk in. Low and behold you find the store is packed with people. Not just any people but women. Not just any women but… you guessed it,… the very 19 you were looking for. (Funny how your luck in this adventure is going).
You spend a little time getting,. eeerm,. reaquainted. After that, you have a chat. It seems they all decided to leave the city and use their modeling money to buy a small store in the middle of nowhere. But, it wasn’t going how they planned so they decided to move back to the city. In fact, they decided to leave that very day. (Funny how your luck in this adventure is going).
They decide to split into 3 groups and visit 3 different towns and then re-group in a week and decide where to settle next.
Do you:
A) Take the helicopter with (Rowena?) to Hawaii
B) Take the Limo to Seattle
C) Take the hayride (roll, roll, roll in da hay) to Texas
B) Take the Limo to Seattle
You arrive just in time to vote NO on the coffee tax and grab a steaming hot cup of java. Taking a long walk through the city you stop on a bridge and look over at the world below. You ponder the meaning of life and what happens to you when you die. Just then you spot Ann Coulter, Carrot Top and Gibert Godrey walking under the bridge. A moments thought is all it takes. It feels so good to dump the hot, hot, extremely hot coffee on their heads. Satisfied you try to decide your next course of action.
A) Visit the Space Needle
B) Visit Fraiser Crane
C) Try out for the Supersonics
A) Visit the Space Needle
What’s this? It’s closed? You approach a guard, and he informs you that there’s a maniac in town, scalding celebrities with cheap coffee. The building has been sealed off, as a security measure.
Clearly, you need to get out of town, fast.
Do you:
A) Send an email to rowena@deusexmachina.com.
B) Turn yourself in to the security dude.
C) Buy another cup of hot, hot coffee, and go hunting.
A) Send an email to rowena@deusexmachina.com.
You go to an Internet cafe and try to do this, but accidentally type “dosexmachine” instead. Instantly, you get a reply. The title is “Have you been a bad boy?”
You start to open it, but then you notice a fourteen year old boy behind you. “Dude,” he says, “are you in the Quake tournament? You have no chance.”
Do you:
A. Play Quake.
B. Open the e-mail.
C. Find an employee and tell him that the kid spilled coffee on you.