I have a friend named Dave. His exploits must be shared with the world.
Dave Story #1:
Dave was an exchange student in Spain for a year. Upon his return we watched a film which featured a bidet.
Dave: “Oh look, there’s one of those drinking fountains”
Me: “Where?”
Dave: “Right there”
Me: “THAT??”
Dave: “…Yea.”
Me: “THAT, my friend, is a BIDET. It is used to [insert assorted nether region cleaning here]”
It turns out he drank from assorted bidets for the entire year.
Dave Story #2:
Dave’s parent’s, deeply religious, went on a four-day mini-vacation. We used this opportunity to skip school for the duration and we turned his parent’s pristine home into a flophouse.
Consumer video cameras were still a novelty at the time and we faithfully documented our exploits which included, but were not limited to:
Getting completely shit-faced drunk and stoned and running “All-Star Wrestling” in his parents master bedroom.
Attaching approx. 30 pieces of Dave’s dirty underwear, socks, etc. to the rare, imported wood ceiling in the living room with a staple gun. We left it like that for three days.
We each took a dump and filmed it swirling down the drain. And so on. Standard stuff.
BUT… Dave, A: FORGOT to erase the tapes, and B: TAPED OVER THE ONLY COPY OF THE BIRTH OF HIS SISTER.
His parents discovered the tapes. He was promptly sent to a high-intensity religious detox camp for two weeks.
Dave Story #3:
Back to Spain.
There were two young kids in Dave’s host family. They loved Dave, especially because he owned a trans am back home. He would flash the photo often.
He was in the car at the local mall parking lot and the Mom jumped out, saying, “David, can you pull the car around to the other side? I’ll just be a minute.”
So he climbs into the driver’s seat and the kids get real excited: “DRIVE FAST DAVE! Yea!!! Like YOUR car!!”
So, he revs the engine, vroom vroom vroom. The kids are super-pumped now. Dave then drops the clutch and the car leaps to life, squeals out of control, and fishtails head first at 20 or 30 mph into a concrete wall. Kids: OK, Car: Write Off.
Dave Story #4:
We happened to live in a city that can receive a lot of snow. So much, in fact, that it is not unusual to see 15-foot piles of it in cleared parking lots.
One Christmas, at the mall, Dave began to maneuver his truck (and when I say truck I mean giant iron box with barbaric, four-inch tire treads, exposed bondo patches, etc.) into a parking spot.
He backed right up onto one of the aforementioned snowbanks. No big deal right? It’s a big truck, use the space if you need it, right?
Perched on the snow bank, he looks out the window and sees a lady doing her best impression of Munch’s “The Scream”.
Perplexed, he stops to further survey the situation, which is this: He is ON TOP of a car. He parked his truck ON TOP of another vehicle.
So, he sheepishly pulls forward and off of the car. But not before his giant matte-black, fire engine-type bumper can: smash out the sunroof and the windshield and tear a massive “Titanic vs. iceberg” gash along the car’s hood. Nice.
THEN, as directed by the “let’s lynch him” vibe emanating from the gathering crowd, he places a note under the victim’s windshield, which reads: “Hi. These people think this note contains my name, address, and phone number. But it doesn’t. See ya.”
Dave Story #5:
Dave got kicked out of his parent’s house for whatever reason. It was late at night and he had nowhere to go.
He then remembered that he had the key to his workplace and, better yet, to his supervisor’s office. No problem, he decides. He’ll sleep at work and when he wakes up he’ll already be where he needs to be.
So, he brings blankets(good) and an alarm clock(good). But he also brings beer(bad) and his girlfriend(bad). Also, he decides he’ll crash in his supervisor’s office because it has a TV(extra bad).
So, they do their best “let’s get drunk and fuck and sleep on the floor” impression.
Later, still-distant voices draw Dave from his slumber. Voices can be so pesky, hey?
His blurry vision tries to focus on his alarm clock. it’s flashing “12:00”. Flash, Flash. Turns out there was a brief power outage during the night. Oops.
By the time his Boss makes it down the hall and to the office, Dave has managed to slip on some underwear, hide his naked girlfriend in the office’s en-suite bathroom, and gather the beer bottles, clothes, blankets, etc… into a giant stinky ball. Which he is holding as his boss walks in.
Boss: " …‘exactly’, I said, ‘but I didn’t have to take a mulligan’, haha (flicks on the lights, turns)…???W T F!!!.."
Dave: “…”
Boss: “Dave,…what the HELL is going on here???”
Dave: " I got kicked out of my house. I needed a place to stay."
Boss: “…Waaaaaaaa?..”
Shaking his head, the boss decides he needs to go into his en-suite bathroom, for whatever reason. He grabs the door handle but it won’t budge. “What? That’s weird.” and he yanks on the door harder and harder. Dave’s girlfriend, naked, is putting every ounce of strength into holding that door shut. She’s got her foot up on the door frame. What a trouper.
By now, Dave’s brain is on the verge of “China Syndrome-ing” through his anus: “DON"T GO IN THERE!!”
Boss: “What?..Why?”
Dave: “MY GIRLFRIEND IS IN THERE!!”
The boss just stops. Looks at the floor for a bit. He then turns to Dave: “Dave, I am going to go away for a while. When I come back, this will all be cleaned up and sorted out and maybe we can pretend it didn’t happen. Understand?”
He never got fired.
So, ya, that’s my friend Dave. I’ve got more Dave stories but that will do it for now…
