The Complete Military History of France

satire humor below, posted from other sites

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-
5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the

Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting.”

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

Add in their current incursion in the Ivory Coast where they are getting their butts kicked. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

Aside from the camembert and some art…I’d say this sums it up. And to think they still have Veto power on the UN Security Council.

You have a strange sense of humour.
Shouldn’t this have been in the Pit?

Presumably this is because the French were prepared to vote against the Americans over Iraq.
Would you think it was funny if I mentioned Vietnam? Or Somalia?

I find it sad that the most powerful nation on Earth is apparently using sarcasm as a justification for not getting UN backing for war.

Aside from how offensively wrong this is (and a “this is humour” disclaimer doesn’t let you off the hook), this was done here recently by another clueless person.

You may wish to read the thread Brief history, with scores and commentary, of French Warfare. I direct you to Tamerlane’s excellent post.

Great. So what?

Off to the Pit with the rest of the French bashing.

Sacre bleu! Not again!

What does Ernie over at EHOWA think of people quoting him without attribution?

You’re an idiot.

Now that it’s in the Pit where it belongs, I can say:


You don’t happen to be French are you? I guess I should have put a “Don’t read if you don’t have a sense of humor” disclaimer.

Y’know, retard threads like this do serve some small purpose in the fight against ignorance. They provide an impetus to prove the ignorant party as wrong as possible. I was all set to devote a little time to research to prove this “joker” wrong which would have eradicated both my ignorance on this topic and his but I see that Tamerlane has already eviscerated all this tripe in the link provided.

Since this wasn’t original the first time it was posted here, what in the name of St. Fiacre and St. Dismas is the point of posting it again?

Hey, putzmeister extorardinaire, I’m reknowned for my sense of humor, so believe me when I tell you that the OP is utterly stupid and completely unfunny.

Lessee, the whole point of the OP is that French are inherently cowards, because they declined to participate in the current smackdown in Iraq. Oh, man, I’m rolling on the floor.

I mean, really, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you fucking people? A few minutes ago an acquaintance of mine sent me three messages in a row containing more of the same dribble. Oh, well, at least she didn’t send it to my company E-mail address (did I neglect to mention that I’ve worked more than 20 years for a French-owned company?). I replied, mentioning that I forwarded her messages to our CEO with her compliments. Imagining her face when she reads that, now that’s funny.

Yeah, Ben, I especially hate those lousy retard “jokers” that say “knock knock” when there’s no door there! I mean how ignorant, they’re saying “knock knock” without a door. Are they blind or simply stupid? The FACT is there’s no door there and they’re saying “knock knock” anyway. And just because it’s a joke doesn’t “let them off the hook,” right Cerowyn.

And I, for one, am grateful to you and the others here who have demonstrated the factual innacuracies in the OP. I mean, I might have gone through the rest of my life thinking that information was on a par with Encyclopedia Britannica! Geez, what a close call I had – I’m glad you all warned me off before I talk that SERIOUSLY.

C’mon folks, it’s a JOKE. — He even pointed out that it’s a JOKE. — Last time I checked, factual accuracy - while allowable - was not required in humor – and often the factual INaccuracy of a joke is actually PART of the humor.

If he’d posted it as a justification for the war… If he’s posted it as part of an argument… If he’d indicated it was meant to be taken seriously… Hell, I’ll even go so far as to say if he had not clearly identified it as humor… then the response would be valid (nay, required). But I think we need some serious chill pills around here (vicodin works wonders, IMHO).

Speaking on behalf of Pepe Le Pew and other great Frenchmen, I am tiring of anti-French so-called humor.

EL Kabong: Hey, you know what… YOUR post I respect. You don’t find the joke funny, then you don’t. At least you recognize it’s a joke and that nobody’s trying to claim it should be replacing 11th grade history texts!

PS: Putzmeister… I like that one. Today’s a good day for new insult words for me. Putzmeister and Fuckstick both in the same 24 hours. Must go find excuse to use them now…

Listen up, fuckwinkle, I know what a joke is, and cheap xenophobic ignorance dosent give me the bellylaughs.

However the word “fuckwinkle” gives them to me. :stuck_out_tongue:

I wish I could timewarp 5 years ahead in time, when threads will consist of more then war arguements or making fun of the French.

How long is is this going to last? I’m getting a bellyache.

The one upside these moronic cliched pieces of tripe, is that they help point out the intentionally ignorant and those deserving of mocking and/or pity. Two ID’ed so far from this thread, though I am still trying to decide on the mocking/pity issue for these chowderheads.

Obvious Guy, did you mean for it to be that obvious what kind of person you are?