The Crabtree Valley Massacre that almost was

Raleigh’s usually pretty uneventful, aside from government drama and transgender bathroom issues. This past weekend, a mass panic ensued when people thought they heard gunfire shots at Crabtree Valley Mall.

We may fight to keep our gun rights here in Uhmerrakuh, but that don’t mean we’ve accepted gunfire as a daily part of life yet. With all the terrorism stories and mass shootings that have been going on lately, some dickhead can throw a string of firecrackers into a crowded mall and watch the fun begin. While broadcasting the Olympics, the news team frequently updated the situation with interviews of terrified citizens who escaped the ruckus. Police so far have not found any evidence of shooting: no spent shell casings, no gunshot injuries, and no bullet-sized holes. They’re combing through security videos to see if they can spot the triggering event.