The customer is always insane

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I’ve been lurking here for a bit. I have felt the need to share a few times, but I have been able to supress it. I must post this little tidbit though, it still cracks me up to this day.

I worked for a large wireless cell phone provider. The following exchange made me log off my phone and take an unauthorized break.

Me: Thank you for calling (wireless company), my name is Amanda, how may I assist you?
Him: I have recently moved two towns away and I would like to change my number so that it is local.
Me: Certainly, I can assist you with that, one moment. (Look up local numbers for the new area) I have several numbers you may choose from sir, would you like to me to list them or just choose one for you?
Him: You don’t understand, I want this number, the one I have had for 5 years, I just want you to make it local for me.
Me: I am sorry sir, but your current number isn’t available in that area. The prefix “452” does not exist in that area code.
Him: If you can’t give me this number, I will take my business elsewhere.
Me: Sir, even if you took your business elsewhere they would be unable to give you your current number as the prefix “452” does not exist in that area code.
Him: I’ve told you what I am going to do, why don’t you speak with your supervisor and call me back. click

The actual exchange was much longer than that, but that is the jist of it. I didn’t speak with my supervisor. I did on the other hand leave a long comment on is account in case he did call back. :smack:

22

David Sedaris’ classic reply said it all:

 "I'm going to have you fired!"

 "I'm going to have *you* killed."
23

Working at a retail bookstore as a teenager. Guy comes in, asks for any books about birds. I ask if he means reference books or coffee-table-type picture books, so I could begin to steer him in the right direction.

“You’d LIKE me to tell you, wouldn’t you?” He starts calmly, but steadily ratcheting up the volume. “That’s what YOU want, eh? You think I was BORN yesterday? I don’t KNOW what you’re doing?”

I am standing there, baffled and a little afraid. He goes on, louder and louder, and the gist of his commentary is that because either I, personally, or the store (never was quite sure which) was sending birds to spy on him, which my answer to his question had incautiously revealed, and clearly I was seeking more information to aid in our spying mission.

He ended by leaning over the counter and pointing at me, saying something like, “You won’t get away with this! I have RIGHTS!”

24

How 'bout dumbass employee…One of my employees just took a $40 gift certificate…from a store 175 miles away. 'doh.

Anyone want a gift certificate for a winery in Door County?

25

Pretty soon he will be able to do that, once it’s all internet-based. Area codes won’t have any relation to the area.

26

I used to work in the billing office of a hospital in Massachusetts. For the last six months or so that I was there I was the person answering the phones coming into the office. All the phones. We had three lines.

And, have you ever noticed - most people when they call billing offices only when they’re very upset?

I got yelled at more in that job than I would have in boot camp. I know this is true, because when I left that job it was to go to boot camp. And I found the experience mentally relaxing!

I have forgotten most of the asshole customers screaming that they’ve already paid this bill, or that we were harassing them, etc. etc. etc.

What I do recall was a call that made my week: A little old lady called up, and was slighty befuddled, and very sweet:

Me: Hello. You have reached the Patient Accounts Department of ORNAC Hospital. How may I help you?

LOL: Oh dear. Oh bother. I seem to have misdialed the number. I’m terribly sorry.

Me: That’s no problem. Maybe I can redirect your call, if you were trying to reach a different department in the hospital.

LOL: No, I don’t think so. You people may be taking arms and legs, but I really don’t think you have your own branch office of the IRS there. And I really need to talk to them.

Me: Well, no. You’re right, we don’t have our own excise men in the building.

LOL: But phone book is so heavy and such small print, could you do me a favor?

Me: What’s the favor? (starting to smell a rat)

LOL: Well, could you look up the number of the local IRS office for me?

Me: You know what? You’re the most polite person I’ve had to deal with on the phone in so long, I’ll be glad to get that number for you. Here it is.

I am convinced that she never misdialed at all, just that our number was convenient for her to find, and read, and she was planning all along to ask whomever she talked to on the phone to get her that number. I believed it then, and still do, today. And I don’t care. I’d have gotten her any phone number she wanted just because for once that day I didn’t answer the phone to get yelled at. :wink:

27

And then you cut off his finger with a cigar cutter.

28

An old lady used to do that to my husband on a regular basis. The office where he worked was a digit off of Sears. She called once about her garage door that needed fixing. He couldn’t convince her that she had the wrong number, so he called Sears for her.

Every time she had a problem after that, she just called my husband. It was a little funny and a little sad, but honestly, I don’t blame her. Every time I have a problem, I call him whether he can help me or not…his “phone voice” is very soothing.

29

Working at a little Mom-and-Pop hardware store:

Lady: Hi, do you sell sheet metal?
Me: We sure do.
Lady: Great, do you have copper?
Me: Yeah, some, I think, let me show you.
Lady: I’ve heard copper is better for blocking out mind control than the aluminum I’ve been using up to now, do you know if that’s true?
Me:…

Yes, I met me an actual member of the old tinfoil hat brigade. She even showed me the inside of her toque, where there was indeed foil sort of patched into it. It was creepy, but hey, she was more polite than most of my other customers, so I sold her some copper and sent her on her way.

30

My good friend S was the first archivist at Graceland, home of Elvis, a decade and some ago. She had so many good stories of their “customer service” crazies, but this one stands out:

S answers the phone, “Graceland…” and listens to a woman who starts a barrage of complaints against the government, yadda yadda blah blah, and then some.

Being a polite Southern gal, S listens, tries to say a few words, but keeps getting an earful on how the country is going down the tubes, etc, etc…“The President, he needs to listen, and serve the people…yadda yadda…”

Finally, S gets a word in: “M’am, this is Graceland, I believe you want to talk to, um, maybe the White House?”

answer: “Well, I know that, but I don’t have their number!”

Yee-ikes.

31

My work-study job was as an administrative assistant in the university’s psychology department. I answered and transferred a lot of phone calls. On at least three occasions, women called thinking that we were the department of parapsychology and wanted to know how to get in touch with someone that could help with the spirit problems in their house. I didn’t break it to them right away that university psychology researchers don’t do that sort of thing. I got to hear the full history of the ghost infestation in their home before I gave some general tips.

32

So what DID you serve him? Four fried chickens and a Coke? :stuck_out_tongue:

33

In the last ones defense, your website (at least for a casual user) didn’t make it real clear where the devide is between the different museums.

I just found out I could have gone to see Bodies, and not had to pay for general admission, plust a seperate entry fee for Bodies. I’m sad… I really want to see this exhibit before it’s gone!

34

My theory is that he was offering either you or the company a little extra above the purchase price to… facilitate doing things the way he wanted. This theory’s likelihood varies wildly based on what country he was from.

35

I had one like this. I work in tech support for an operating system vendor (no, not that one. Or that one). I got a call from a customer who was having a problem with his backup application on our OS.

After a bit of a chat I told him it sounded like the problem was in the backup app, and had he called the vendor? He said no, he knew the problem was there but he’d rather deal with us as our support was better …well thanks, but it’s not so good that we can fix products made by someone else!

36

(Time: About 3-4 years ago)

Man walks into my Black & Decker factory outlet. He is immediately surrounded by electric lawnmowers, power tools, power tool accessories, drill bits, saw blades, grinding wheels, augers, signs about mowing lawns, trimming hedges, cutting wood, drilling holes, and immediately off to his right, lines of people standing, tools in hand, waiting to book them in for service.

He walks to the counter, where I’m standing, and in a relatively thick accent, asked, “Is this the immigration office?”

I briefly considered spinning a tale about the migratory habits of the northern yellow-bellied thickness planer, but thought better of myself.

The real nutjob though was probably when I was working at Future Shop a couple of years earlier than that, in the entertainment department. (Video games, software, music and DVDs.) I got a phone call.

“Hiiii,” said the husky female voice on the other end in a slurred, lethargic voice that made me think the next words out of her mouth were going to be, “I just mainlined a turkey baster full of heroin.”
But my job was my job. “Hello, how can I help you?” I asked noncommittally.
“Do you sell movies?” she asked without emotion, but with the apparent motivation of hoping for an affirmative answer.
“Yes, we do.” I responded.
“Oh,” she replied dejectedly.
Seconds passed.
“Do you sell pornos?” she continued in the same uninflected tone.
“Um … no, no we don’t.” This was Future Shop after all. A mainstream big box electronics store. We don’t have kraft paper over the windows.
“Oh,” she said despondently.
Minutes passed.
“Do you like pornos?” she went on.
“Uh … no … not really.” She was freakin’ creeping me out. I wasn’t about get into a conversation with her involving sex, even by proxy.
“Oh,” she replied in a depressing manner.
Days passed.
“Would you like to watch pornos with me?” she asked, her complete lack of intonation seeming to suggest that she wanted me to – or not, really, she could go either way and would be just as happy with a bag of chips.
But she was incredibly creepy. “No,” I said flatly.
“Oh,” she said.
Somewhere, a new planet cooled and began to form life.
“Why not?”
Now let me be clear. I now had her squarely pegged as a druggie and possibly a psychopath, so I didn’t want to piss her off. Granted, the act of getting out of her chair/couch/laundry hamper would probably send her floating off into the ethereal plane with Elvis and a barking hoagie, so the chances of her coming by to brutally murder me were pretty slim. Still, slim was not zero. Also, I had no idea why the thought hadn’t yet crossed my mind to simply hang up on her. “No,” was all I said.
“Why not?” she asked.
“Because I’m married.”
“So?”
“I don’t cheat.” Seriously. Why am I still talking?
“Why not?”
Yeah. Done talking. I hung up.

37

The evil me would have twithed a little after being asked that, stood still with lost eyes and droned out:

“There is no such thing as a mind control ray”

Tune out, look a bit confused and asked “sorry, what were you saying?”

38

I don’t know if this guy was insane, or just a nasty, cranky old man, but just today this happened: A patient had called to have his pathology report on his melanoma sent to a doctor we had not recommended him to see. We’d sent him to a plastic surgeon, which is standard procedure. The guy wanted to see a MOHS surgeon (does skin cancer removals but not melanomas) instead of plastics. I told him I’d check with the doctor and call him back. I call him back and tell him, no, the doctor wants him to see a plastic surgeon, and this is why, blah blah blah.

The guy totally freaks out and starts screaming about how DARE I tell him what to do! This is HIS money, and he’s going to see the MOHS surgeon, whether I like it or not!

I calmly told him that I would let the doctor know, and we hung up. Reported back to my doctor what the guy said, and then my doctor called him. He advised him of why he needs to see a plastic surgeon, not the doctor he wants to see, and that verbal abuse of his staff will not be tolerated. After he got off the phone, he told me that he’s going to fire that patient for acting like that. I love my doctor- he always backs us up. Unlike the doctor I used to work for, who would stab his staff in the back for a dollar any day of the week.

Most of our patients are perfectly nice, rational people, but a couple times a week or so you come across a crazy one. Their absurd rants just out of the blue can really put a damper on your whole day.

39

Having met a few people like this - “I believe so, but you do know you have to ground it, right? I recommend you run some of this wire down your leg and attach it to a copper mesh on the sole of your shoes.”

I was a 22 year old single guy working at a gas station when an attractive woman came in for something or other. I probably flirted a little, then she went on her way and I prepared to help an overweight 40-something regular customer that may have been Hawaiian or something and always wore leather driving gloves. Before I could finish my spiel (generic greeting, did customer have $xx.xx on pump x?) he started ranting about what a damn racist I was.
:confused:
Dude. I wasn’t being racist, I was being sexist.

40

Back when I was young it just never occurred to me that after hearing, “Dr. So & So’s office, how may I help you?”, the caller would still believe she had contacted a Tennessee long distance phone company billing dept. We were both getting frustrated about my not being able to able to bring up her account via her name, DOB or SS#, when I asked for the account number on the billing statement. After she gave the 6th digit it dawned on me that we were not talking about the same thing. The really odd thing was she was in another state of the union AND HAD DIALED A TOLL-FREE NUMBER. I had a few odd phone calls where the caller insisted that s/he had dialed a toll-free number and got me instead (our office did not have a toll-free # at that time). We had had a WATTS-LINE for a while but my understanding was that was for dialing out long-distance, not receiving calls. Ah, yes, the early formative years of the Baby Bells were kinda strange.