No, I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about the kinds of people we run into every day who wonder how in the world we can be so selfish as to not want children? How can we be so clueless as to bring kids into a world like this? How can we have the nerve to only have one kid who will be terminally lonely? How can we dare have more than two kids in these days of oil shortages, global warming and SUVs? How can a mother set such a neanderthal example for her kids as to be a SAHM? How can a mother be so selfish as to have kids and then leave strangers to raise them by pursuing a career? Yadda, yadda, yadda.
There just seem to be too damned many folks in the world who cannot accept that one size does not fit all. And they all seem so damned vocal about it.
alphaFemale, I don’t think any age beyond puberty is “too young” to make such a decision. I had a great childhood with parents who had desperately wanted me, and nurtured me through many an otherwise traumatic life experience. They wanted a huge family and got only me, whom the doctors judged a “miracle baby.” Despite - and perhaps, in some odd ways, because of - having such a great upbringing, I knew from a very young age that I didn’t want to be a mommy to humans. I remain childless by choice in my mid-30’s and have never regretted my decision. I’m firmly in the camp of “If having a child isn’t the most important thing in the world to you, than don’t have one!”
I can understand your concerns about the possibility of of suddenly changing your mind later in life. Certainly people, especially women, who choose not to have kids get it relentless drilled into their heads that one day we’re going to experience sudden, unprovoked baby desire. You know what? If that happens, decisions can change! As long as you don’t have an invasive medical procedure performed on you that precludes the possibilty, you can always leave that option open.
Yes, you’re going to have to endure social pressure about your choice, almost certainly more so than if you did decide to have children. Some will be from parents who genuinely can’t imagine their lives without children, many will be from parents who have lingering doubts about their decision to have them, and most will come from people who don’t have any business having an opinion about how you’ve chosen to live your life. I’ve stuck with “Having kids was not the right decision for me” and not allowing myself to get sucked into detailed discussions about my reasons. I’ve found that allowing myself to get sucked into those discussions almost always creates hard feelings. I just mentally shut down when I hear the almost obligatory (and rather insulting) “Oh, you’ll change your mind some day” spiel that I’ll bet you can already repeat by rote.
Clapping and cheering from the sidelines here, norinew! Well said! Within reason, just about any choice, any decision, any behaviour can be viewed as right or wrong, good or bad, advisable or ill-advised. Whatever you do, there will always be someone, somewhere who thinks it’s the right decision and someone else who thinks it’s dead wrong.
It’s good to remember that this spectrum of opinions, and the corresponding chorus of praise/criticism, is always with you, no matter what. Once you realise this, you stop worrying so much about what other people might say or think, and just focus on making the choice that’s right for you.
Sorry - I haven’t read all of this thread, so if what I say has already been said, then this is a “I agree” response.
24 is not too young to decide you don’t want kids for NOW. I am a 55 year old man who, as a kid, figured I’d eventually get married and have kids - because everyone I knew (small town) at least got married (including the guy who had a thing for teenage boys - that must have been a real fun life for his wife). As my particular life unfolded, I realized that I was not suited to marriage or any other LTR - I live alone, and will die alone - that is how this particular clock works.
To the OP: 24 is not too young to decide not to have children (I had figured out that much by 20).
It is, however, MUCH too young to make a life with anyone who makes his love conditional on ANYTHING!
At 24, your life is in flux - around 30 you will find it increasingly difficult to change very much of anything - a few years ago I worked with a young woman (27) from rural Virginia who was in California for a work assignment. We became friends, and she told me that she always wanted to live in California - my advice to her was this: make sure that you are who, what, and where you want to be before you turn 30. A year or so later, she moved into Long Beach.
My advice stands - become who, what, and where you want to be by 30.
This strongly contraindicates planning your life around anyone who wishes to dictate your life choices.
Sorry, but for now you are like the young barnacle - free to swim around as you wish. Around 30, you will find, as does the young barnacle reaching puberty, that you will tend to stick wherever you happen to be.
alphaFemale,
I see people’s views on reproducing as a continuum, not a binary, immutable choice.
I know people who ALWAYS knew that they did or did not want children. For those people, it is integral to their personality, and so 24 is not too young. For most people, however, it is a little early to make permanent decisions (i.e, having a baby or seeking permanent sterilisation). I know many more who didn’t really think about it much until they got to an age where it was topical. I know several who were fencesitters for a long time, not able to definitively decide one way or another. I know others who started at one point, and then moved either way on the continuum. And I know some who never chose, because life circumstances never made the issue all that relevant.
What I’m trying to say (long-windedly), is that the only person who can know how you feel is you. And the only person who has to live with your choices, is you.
In regards to your partner, I know several couples who found themselves on opposite sides of the fence and managed to work together to find a mutually agreeable position. But I think about ten times more couples eventually split up. It’s pretty hard to compromise on something that most people deem hugely important.
Don’t expect your partner to change his mind on this. All your “what ifs?” sound as if you’re fairly comfrotable with the idea, but not completely sure yet. Are you both prepared to remain in a relationship now, with the understanding that you’re still not positive and may move on to pursue children later? Or are you both considering the intervening time ‘wasted’ if you should eventually fall on the parent side of the fence, and want to make the decision now?
At 18, I proclaimed loudly and resolutely I’d never have children. Looking back now, the only thing that has changed was that I came to realize that I couldn’t predict the future; I’m 34 now and my stance is that I admit that there is a possiblity I’d want kids. A remote possiblity that I’m quite sure won’t come about, but that I’m perfectly willing to grant. Much in the same way I can say I won’t ever take certain jobs - yes, it might happen, but I can’t fathom the circumstances. So, 24 is not too young to be pretty sure you don’t want kids. Of course, conventional wisdom says this is different for women; my sister-in-law was rabidly anti-having kids until her mid-30s. She now has two, ages 4 and 2.
The bias I encounter regarding not having kids is remarkable (to the point that I’m going to remark on it). I find it amazing that most people, before it comes up, take it as fact that I will have kids, and that some cannot accept that I won’t. I’ve found that simply and strongly stating “I do not plan on having children because I do not want children in my life” is enough to convey the point in most cases. If pressed, I relate how I absolutely hate it when parents foist their babies on me; I do not want to hold their child and I find it rather rude to assume that I would. That stops most others. The few that continue, in my experience, are of the “god’s gift” variety (at which point I inform them that I’m a devout atheist) or in the “but they’re so adorable” camp (at which point, depending on how gentle I want to be, I’ll either point out what a terrible reason that is to have kids or quote some comic about how all babies look like Winston Churchill). Thus far, conversation has always gone off on a tangent and no one has pursued it any further.
If you didn’t think that comment was insulting, you clearly weren’t thinking. At all. “Stunted” is never a positive, or even a neutral comment. When something is stunted, it means there’s something wrong with it. The implication is that it’s defective. I doubt you’re dumb enough to expect people to not get pissy about being told there’s something wrong with them, so I have to assume you just weren’t thinking and chose your words poorly. It was a stupid, thoughtless comment, and although I’m sure that wasn’t your intent, it was hurtful and insulting.
We all say and do stupid, thoughtless, hurtful things sometimes, so I’m not going to hold that against you. I would, however, ask you to stop and think and choose your words more carefully in the future. We childfree people hear a whole hell of a lot of stupid, thoughtless, hurtful comments about our decisions, and every one of them wears the patience a little thinner.
Think about how you’d feel if people kept smirking at your children and telling you, “Oh, you’ll change your mind about them. Children are demon spawn and they’ll make your life hell on earth.” If complete strangers told you that people who wanted kids were stupid and selfish and just not quite right in the head or the heart. If people constantly expected you to justify your decision to have kids, and always found your reasons lacking. If people reacted to your announcement of impending parenthood with horrified cries of, “Oh, honey, are you sure you want to do that? Having kids is permanent, you know.” Imagine hearing this kind of bullshit for years on end, with no relief in sight. Would you maybe be a bit hostile about the subject?
I’m not hostile…yet. I figure I’ve got a couple more years of people patronizing and pestering me before I get hostile. Right now I’m just bone-wrenchingly tired of explaining to people over and over and over again that we are not having children and that the subject is not open for debate. Well, to be completely honest, I’m edging out of tired and into testy. I’m getting out of “to each his own” territory and into “what the hell business is it of yours?” and at the rate my mom’s been going since my niece came on the scene, I fear “fuck you up the ass with a sharp stick” isn’t too terribly far down the road.
I’m not defensive about my decision not to have kids, any more than I’m defensive about my choice of career, husband, pets, or home. I’m just doing what seems right for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt and angry when people tell me there’s something wrong with me for wanting what I want out of life.
Oh, yeah, I completely forgot to respond to the OP. It’s never too early to decide you don’t want kids. As others have said, some folks know from childhood, while others come to the realization more gradually. My interest in having children started waning around twenty or so, when my future as an adult stopped being “someday.” It waned a lot faster after my friends started having kids and I got a good look at the ways people change after having kids. One day I looked up and realized that “someday” had turned into “never ever ever.”
You seem ambivalent enough that I’d vote against doing something permanent in either direction. Remember, parenthood is even more permanent than a tubal, so if you have even the teensiest shred of doubt, don’t do it. It’s far, far better to regret never having children than to regret having them.
As for what this means for you and the boyfriend…well, I wouldn’t marry him at this point, but I wouldn’t dump him just in case you change your mind later either. Sure, you might change your mind and want kids in five or ten years and you guys would split up. That would be heartbreaking. But I don’t think it would be as heartbreaking as dumping him over the kids thing, realzing that you really, truly don’t want kids, and spending the rest of your life kicking yourself in the ass with what-if.
He’s not making his love conditional. He’s saying that he is absolutely unwilling to have more children, and that she needs to be fully aware of that and willing to accept that if she wants anything resembling a permanent relationship with him. That’s not blackmail, that’s his duty to her! Good lord, people, get a grip! Warning a person about something in yourself that you are unwilling to change, and making it clear that that person must be willing to accept it if they are going to accept you is not the same as pressuring, making love conditional, emotional blackmail, or emotional bullying. It is doing the right thing!
In other news:
a) I had my tubes tied when I was 26. I’m 48 now and have never once regretted it.
b) While I have had people ask why, I have never been pressured by anyone, before or after, to have children.
c) “Stunted” is an insult and the idea that one is suspicious of the voluntarily child-free is none too kindly either. While L B E may not have had hostile intent, or feel hostile towards those who have chosen not to have children, it is evident that s/he does in fact feel him or herself to be superior to those who have done so. My advice to him or her is to note the fact that such wording makes those feelings clear, and that politeness would dictate not doing so in the future.