The sun had gone down, we had eaten souffle
and still there was time at the end of the day.
I sat there with Hubby, we sat there we two
and I said, “How I wish we had something to do!
Too late for a movie, too early for bed.
I wish there was something we COULD do instead.”
So all we could do was to sit, and to chill
and keep running up the electrical bill.
And then something went >spring!<
And the doorbell, it ringed!
We looked! And we saw him, from way over here!
We looked! And we saw him, the Deer In The Beard!
And he said to us, “HEY!
Why you look at me weird?
I know you don’t often see face hair on wildlife,
but when I’m clean-shaven, I look kinda childlike.
And that gets me nowhere with nice-looking does.
You can’t look like Bambi, as everyone knows.”
But our cat said, “Although I’m not given to warnings–
tell that Deer In The Beard that you work in the morning!
He should not be here! He should not browse our lawn!
He should not be here when ‘Mythbusters’ is on!”
“Now now!” said the Deer In The Beard, “Don’t be hasty.
Besides, you can’t tell me that clover’s not tasty.
Dude! And Miss Lady! I feel your pain.
If you give me a moment, I’d like to explain.
I didn’t want just a goatee or a soul patch,
I wanted a thing that would balance the moustache.
Whatever your attitude, fashion-wise, towards me,
you have to admit it looks butch and outdoorsy.
I’ve got a spare beard here, if you’ve got the glue.
Your mother herself will not recognize you!”
And then Hubby and I did not know what to say.
It’s not like we had any plans anyway.
Then the deer said, “How long since you had people over?
And hey, do you mind if I sit on the sofa?
Now, I know a game that some people call ‘neato.’
It’s a game that I call ‘Pass The Buck The Doritos.’”
“Put them down!” said the cat. “Get your hooves out the dip!”
“Put them down!” said the cat. “Do you even have lips?”
Then the deer said, “The kitchen. A napkin. Unfold one.
And while you’re in there, could you bring me a cold one?
And bring me the phone, for I must make a call.
But that is not all; oh no, that is not all!
It isn’t long distance, but it is pretty far.
I might have to borrow the keys to the car.
If I do that, I WILL need some money for gas
and to pay for more beer and some food and some grass.
But the first thing of all, I should go check my email.
Can I use your computer to try and find females?
There’s no telling what the right doe may be open to!
And by the way, sorry, can I bum a smoke from you?”
But the cat said, “Now listen, you ungulate ninny!
That six-pack of beer was imported from Guinea!
We don’t have a land line. The cellphone’s off-limits.
It’s got biometrics and lojack up in it.
You can go where you want, but the car you can’t use
cause insurance don’t cover a deer hitting you!
So you won’t need the gas card, you’re not getting cash.
From the looks of the lawn, you don’t need any grass.
The computer we got from a geek with some foresight,
you get a blue screen when you click on a porn site.
I don’t have a smoke, here’s the thing about that:
Hello! Did you notice? I for sure am a cat!
There’s no point in asking for anything else.
And as for the napkin, you can get it yourself!”
“But I like to be here! I don’t mean any harm.”
Said the Deer In The Beard to the cat up in arms.
“It seems we’re just having an issue with boundaries.
Would this be a bad time to do all my laundry?
On second thought, better yet, wait here me hearties.
I think you just need to be shown how to party!”
And then he went out, and then quicker than shit
the deer came back in with two reindeer on bits.
He said, “The solution for surfeits of straight
is this herd: and I call them Herd 6 and Herd 8.
In fact, they’ve been needing a place they can stay.
There’s a lot to be said at the end of the day.”
We knew that we’d got in a hell of a fix
when we had to lock antlers with Herds 8 and 6.
“Now here is a game that they like,” said the deer.
“They like any game.” said the Deer In The Beard.
“They’ll trounce you at chess! They were made for ring toss!
And wait til they start up a game of lacrosse!”
I’ve never seen anyone else, I must say
Who could play “Duck Duck Goose” like those reindeer that day.
They beat us at Candyland, dodgeball and checkers
They demolished our house like professional wreckers.
They ate all our food in a matter of minutes.
Every wall, floor and ceiling had hoofprints all in it.
They drank up the six-pack, then drank up a second.
They sang karaoke to “Stairway To Heaven.”
They beat us at Twister, gin rummy and Pacman.
They gallumphed around for the glory of Lapland.
The Dungeons and Dragons game lost mage and hero
When the Gamekeeper rolled, and divided by zero.
Finally, while losing at musical chairs,
we saw the cat come back from hiding upstairs.
He said to the Deer In The Beard, “Good for them.
But I know a game there’s no way they can win.
These people right here have a secret they’re keeping –
They’re National Champions of pro Hide-And-Seeking.”
Then the Deer In The Beard stared at us – “Is that true?
Well, you haven’t seen what these two reindeer can do!”
Said the cat, “Doesn’t matter. Wherever they hide,
these people will find them. It’s fact, cut and dried.”
“We’ll see about that,” said the Deer In The Beard.
"You two cover your eyes and start counting, you hear?
So we did, though we both were near-dead from exhaustion,
Til the cat said, “Stop counting. I think that we’ve lost them.”
When our friends all came by, and they said to us two,
“What a terrible mess! What the hell did you do?
From the inside-out zither to the trampled Atari—”
We looked at each other, and answered, “Stag party.”
That is all.
