The Democrats' Worst Nightmare: Republican Platform Spoof

Inspired by the other thread and its inspiration:

  1. Southern Baptism shall be the established church of the United States
  2. Government spending on all programs shall be cut by at least half except for military spending and bailing out banks which shall have their spending tripled.
  3. We support the right of corporations and individuals (which are identical) to dispose of waste anywhere and however they wish.

No abortion under any circumstances
Abstinance only in schools
Creationism only in schools

Is it actually possible to spoof the Republican platform? All of those positions are honestly held by a significant minority of Republicans.