[sub] We need morbid games to more fully celebrate Halloween! Or not. I’ve never been the subject of a pit thread before, so what the hell, flame me if you must. [/sub]
Imagine that dopers live long (we’ll all live to be a healthy active 90, let’s say), fulfilled lives, but in time, we pass like all good things must. And, either fortunately or unfortunately, we all die of less than natural causes- *no diseases, heart attacks or passing away in their sleep * for this bunch.
Based on the previous poster’s screenname (not details you know about their actual lives, please), write their obituary, including cause of death. Be creative about how you think they lived up until age 90, and more creative about how they died. For once, accidental double posts are ok, since there are lots of newspapers, right?
To help people out, please include your own gender (or whichever you’d like us to use in this game) after the obituary you write. Oh, and instead of ending the post with “next,” ask to be bumped off, extra points for a creative plea.
Unfortunately, unlike most games, I can’t provide you with a decent example, so I guess the first respondent will…on with the game!
Well, everyone knows that elves live for a long time, but 477 years was enough for this elf.
Elfkin477 lived in the enchanted forest, along with the other elves. Having spent her entire 80 year childhood learning the stately art of woodcrafting, Elfkin477, ended up rebelling against that field. In the end, she became a crusader for femenist elf rights everywhere. For the last 300 years of her life, she worked tirelessly to gain equal rights for female elves. No longer, thanks to her, would delicious cookie-baking be the sole privlige of the male elves. She was also personally responsible for the bill allowing femle elves to use woodland magic. Alas, however, it was this that undid her. In her first spell, she attempted to conjure a pixie to her carry on her crusade. However, unfortunately, she used too much green mana and ended up casting Force of Nature, which turned around and did 8 points of damage to her when she couldn’t find another four green mana during her next upkeep phase.
While driving to the Funeral of a beloved friend, Elfkin/477/RIP, Ethilrist/100/RIP, and zev_steinhardt/104/RIP, passed peacefully in their sleep, as the autos they piloted collided into one another in what can only be described as a tragic, tragic example of why elderly dopers should forfeit their driver’s licenses on, or no later than, their 90th birthday.
Winston Smith, having led a doubleplusgood life died Tuesday. His devotion to Big Brother was true, having never faltered. Like everyone, Winston lived a long and healthy life.
Lsura was tragically taken from us yesterday as she died of an apparent heart condition after a lengthy chase of a trolly car containing Omar Sharif. She is perhaps best known for her book of Russian limericks and leaves 2 married men and perhaps some children behind. Memorial contributions can be made to The Fetching Peasant Society.
Some say Lieu died of a severe head injury caused by a brick digging to far into his nose. Instead of a (pun intended) brick imagine his own finger and you would have a better idea of how it truly happened.
dorkusmalorkusmafia was killed in a bizarre accident on Friday the 13th at midnight. The leader of an elite orgnanized group of nerds - so elite, they are yet to be named - dmm, to his friends, died when his over-stuffed pocket protector exploded, sending a newly sharpened number two pencil through an artery in his neck. As he has no living survivors, he is now up for this years’ Darwin Award. A private memorial will take place soemwhere in Silicon Valley.
All that is known about the mysterious Lisa Ann is that she was on her way to meet another member of the so-called “Doper” cult. As best as can be determined, this other “Doper”, identified only as CManson, met with Lisa Ann and they were to drive to one of the “Doper” cult fests in Pico Rivera, CA.
Lisa Ann’s dismembered body was finally pieced together by a team of forensic/jigsaw puzzle experts who found a small tattoo on the side of her nose that said, “Cecil Lives”.
Anybody knowing anything about the whereabouts of CManson, or having seen Lisa Ann prior to her disappearance at the Pico Rivera Taco Waco Stand, please contact Detective Monk at 555-5555.
Lisa Ann, was cut short of her prime Tuesday night in a freak baking accident. While mixing cookie dough, she plugged her electric mixer without realizing it had been switched on. The mixer immediately jumped alive, knocking a bottle of vinegar into a bowl of baking soda. The resulting fizz took her attention away from the fact that a box of flower had also fallen over, mixing it’s volatile contents with the air, producing a deadly Molotov cocktail ignited by her preheated oven.
Neighbors say the resulting explosion scared area cows so badly, they have yet to give milk.
Lisa Ann is survived by two brothers, a half-sister, four dogs, one cat, and one hell of an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipe.
Here lies Lisa Ann
in this beautiful memorial garden.
Her friendship was warm, she never did harm,
but her cookies will not be forgotten.
DMark finally went to Wonderland late last night. He leaves behind a collection of Pauly Shore movies, 47 lava lamps, and a pet Portuguese Man’o’war named Chuckles.
He passed away after a particularly high-rolling poker game. His last words were “Cecil, I think you’re bluffing…” As soon as “Cecil” laid down four aces and a king, DMark went on a violent rampage around the room, throwing beer bottles, smashing lamps, and screeching like a banshee. Old Man Death took him as he crashed to the floor in a heap, landing in a puddle of beer and hitting a broken lamp at the same time.
Since cremation was requested, parts of his earthly body will be spread in Chicago, NYC, Berlin, LA, and Vegas.
Skerri, bold warrior, died during a Viking raid on Northern France. Trying to extract danegeld from the Froggies (or, as they call themselves ze froggies), Skerri slipped on a pile of Parsian poodle poo, & died of a broken neck.
Skerri’s body will be burned in a Viking dragonship Tuesday. Afterwards, all Paris will be put to the sword & the torch in a moving gesture by Skerri’s pals.
Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor passed on after living a long, healthy life. He was found dead in a heap on his driveway, and police are still looking for leads.
The only lead the police has is a notebook of what appears to beBosda Di’Chi of Tricor’s final will and testament. Following is the text…
I, Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor do hereby leave all of my earthly posessions to the Straight Dope. All my possessions, that is, except my banjo, which must be played at my funeral, my flywheel, which will be placed in my coffin, and my lipbalm, which must be applied monthly to my corpse in case I revive, because my lips might get all rotted and chapped.
The estate of Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor requests that, in lieu of flowers, attendees to the funeral should buy indulgences from the Catholic Church, so that Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor can get out of Purgatory. Soup_du_jour-male!
The order of things seems to have gotten a bit screwy, so I’ll do Tripler’s obituary
Our beloved Tripler passed away today, October 3, 2002, at the age of 91.
Tripler was shoveling the early morning snow out of his driveway, when the beer truck turned onto his street. Hearing the beer truck’s tinkling bells, he hastily dropped his shovel and began to amble towards the road. He made it as far as the edge of the sidewalk, and was swept up into the blade of an oncoming snowplow.
In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to the ‘I Have Made Fire’ fund.
I’m female, somebody come bury me.
Jessica2 dies at the age of 90 in an accident at a racing school, the oldest person to successfully drive a racing car. Several bouquets in the shape of cars were seen. Donations in lieu of flowers may be made to the NASCARcamps Schloarship Fund.
Soup_du_Jour is dead after a tragic mining accident after finding the world’s largest ruby and sapphire. Soup’s remains will be made into diamonds by the [url"=htttp://www.lifegems.com"]LifeGem Company. Designs are being created for the gems that will be Created.
anya marie’s loved ones will forever be haunted by the phrase “revenge is a dish best served cold.” While sleeping off an exciting 100th birthday party a pack of angry poodles burst into the Nursing Home and mauled the retired humanitarian to death before the nurses could react.
The Nobel Peace Prize winner had been dogged for nearly 30 years by rumors of the poorly understood “Poodle Incident.” Until the attack her supporters denied the stories had any creedence. A shocked world mourns her passing. No poodles could be reached for comment.
Well, we all know what happened to Osiris, don’t we? He shouldn’t have let his little brother Set play with knives. We understand his last words were, “You’ll have someone’s eye out with that if you’re not careful.”
Of course, he was later reassembled (except for one part they just couldn’t find), and was available for post-mortem interviews. When asked how he felt about his demise, he replied, “Gutted, just gutted.” And about his resurrection? “I’ve been stitched up.”
teehee.