Osiris, a doper of renown, Has died for a second time at the age of 97(the first being torn apart by seth). was casually strolling down the beaches of the north shore, when a huge breaker deposited Cerebus, the three headed dog on the beach. Cerebus being sent by Hades, to claim the right to full domination of the underworld, by the elimination of Osiris. On lookers then described the sceen as pandamonium, as Loki arrived on the scene to make a objection to the use of force, and not cunning to eliminate rivals. cerebus and loki engaged in mortal combat, Osiris seeing the opening changed into a bird and flew out over the water to be swallowed whole by a blue marlin. the police are investigating leads, but Neptune seems to be unavailible for questioning. Close friends say that this was a horrible way to die, for someone who sought death and destruction. but they say he’s now truly fit to rule the underworld.
In lieu of flowers please donate your soul to the underworld…
Aw, Steve, I just can’t be mean to you. It’s impossible, so I’ll have to say “Pass” and come back later.
(later)
Ok, ok, I’ll do you. (Gah, that sounded rude, didn’t it? Don’t quote me on that!)
Our dearly departed Steve Wright was found early Monday morning by the television repairman. Mr. Fixit, the repairman, arrived promptly at 8:00am to fix Steve’s broken set. Upon his arrival, he found our dear Steve, crouched over the bathtub with a grout remover in one hand and a bottle of disinfectant in the other. It seems Steve was finally sorting out the fungal invaders when the fumes killed him. Mr. Fixit was forced to use the bathmat to cover our loving Steve’s body, as he was doing the cleaning up au natural.
What can we learn from this, dear friends? Never mix ammonia and bleach products. If only our darling Steve had read the directions on the cleaning fluids instead of spending more time posting on that darned message board, he’d still be here today, amusing us with his tales of weddings and such.
In lieu of gifts, cards or flowers, please send money (preferably Euros or sterling) to the “EuroDopers Drinking and Partying Fund” in the care of one Ms. Francesca Doper.
Anahita, the much loved and much travelled Persian fertility goddess, was cruelly taken from us on Tuesday afternoon. Well known for practising what she preached, it was her devotion to the romantic arts which proved her downfall. Now in her third millennium, many said she should rein back on her bedroom antics, to which she famously responded, “I wouldn’t be much of a symbol of fertility if double penetration only referred to my latest knitting project”. It was while she was being ‘worshipped’ by a group of fervent devotees that her divine heart finally gave out.
May God hold her in the palm of his hand (everyone else did).
Manwithaplan, a long-time resident of Dublin, died quite unexpectedly yesterday, while looking for his keys. Locally known for his absent-mindedness and lack of foresight, Manwithaplan gained world reknown in 2001 when he declared that he had finally completed his life’s long work - the developmente of a gasoline powered internal combustion engine. There were no immediate plans for a funeral.
Well seeing that soup_du_jour hasn’t had an Obit, and we dont want to omit Plnnr a dual Obit is next.
Plnnr, long time interdementional being died in a horible Trans-stellar phase shift. Sadly Soup_du_jour his long time Cook and traveling companion was also involved. Some time in the early hours of Tuesday morning, Plnnr beliveing that he had cracked closed time like loops, called upon Soup to fix some cheese sandwiches for celebration of the discovery. then proceded with the experiment of jumping 2 minutes into the future. Soup bade Plnnr to accompany him on this historic journey. Pllnr agreed as the rift opened both steping into the void, it promptly closed again lleaving the botom halves of both men in the room.
Kip Thorne belives that the strange substances that are used in the making of proceesed cheese, caused a destabilization the rift making it close unexpectedly.
No services will be held for the two as Plnnr is only survived by his other half (of his body), and soup_du_jour shal be creamated to be served as fancy pepper in lobster Bisque.
Philanthropist, author and seasonal nudist Sir Hattrick died today of undisclosed causes. His family plans to release the details of his death after his cremation and memorial service.
Hattrick was perhaps best known for his best-selling – albeit controversial – autobiography, What’s in a Name: Rabbits, Prostitutes and the Crease. Knighted by King Harry in 2025, he was continually sought out by fans for autographs and advice on anal itch. Up until a week before his death, Hattrick was often spotted nude, in a canoe, on the Thames.
dorkusmalorkusmafia was the founder of the Dorkus family of organized crime in the U.S. He started as a runner for the Gambinos back in the 1990s. He quickly rose through the ranks. When the heads of the Gambino family saw that dorkus was rising through the ranks too quickly, they tried to rub him out. What they didn’t count on, however, was dorkus’s nerdy dorky scientific abilities. Dorkus had invented the first personal force field, thus the Gambino plot to wipe him out failed.
No longer a member of the Gambino family, dorkus started a new crime family, employing high tech gadgets to commit their crimes. The trademark of the Dorkus crime was his sense of humor. Some of the more notorious of their deeds was the D.B. Cooper clone skyjacking, the disapperance of mysterious disappearence of President Michael Douglas and the itching powder raining down on the residents of Walla Walla, Washington.
After a long and successful career, dorkus handed over the reins of the family to his son, nerdymalarkey. While nerdy headed up the crime family, dorkus still looked in on matter and advised whenever possible.
His latest and last crime was the attempt to blackmail the Starbucks corporation into giving him billions of dollars. Failure to deliver the money would result in all their coffee being switched to decaf. Unfortunately, as they were extracting the caffine from the coffee beans, dorkus fell into the vat and was immediately roasted and brewed.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you make a donation to Nerds Anonymous…
zev_steinhardt left us yesterday two balls and one strike into the top of the seventh during the Mets/Yankees matchup. Turning away in his pre-stretch ritual, he was hit in the noggin by a foul ball and has left us for the field of dreams.
Zev hails from the Boston Steinhards, which he fit to a “t”. This explains his penchant for always wearing his signature red socks.
Lieu, aged to 97 years died in the bathroom at work yesterday. His co-workers said that he spent a good protion of his time in the john every day, some even think that this is where he came up with all of his great ideas. One person even reported having seen Lieu go into the third stall with his laptop. It is thought that his last words may have been “hnnnnnnnnn dear lord, please help me hnnnnnnn” Memorial contributions may be made to Dole, specifically to give seniors everywhere free prune juice.
misstee was Doping to the end of her long, full life. At the age of 95, she was still sprightly and hale. Unfortunately, she didn’t see it coming. She was in a clothing store when suddenly, the interior of the store became enveloped in a thick pea soup of a fog. Nobody could see anything at all, and unfortuntely our beloved misstee walked right into a large pile of T-shirts that were supposed to be stocked that day. It can truly be said that she never knew what hit her, as she suffocated under the immense weight of 200+ items of merchandise.
Heap the flaming coals upon my helpless decaying corpse! (hell, you did it enough yesterday) ----> I’m female, by the way
Flamsterette_X is famed for her discovery for the cure of Aids, syphilis, gonarrhea, typhoid, and a cocktail of lesser communicable diseases, which also instilled a nigh-immunity to the effects of aging. F_X accidently became her own test subject as she was driving to the CDC to present them with the first syringe of her wonder drug, brewed from a mixture of fungi found only in her basement, when it slipped from her fingers while picking up an order of chili cheese fries at a drive-through Dairy Queen.
Unfortunately, one of the first problems with her drug was that it was necessary for the patient to have all of the aforementioned diseases. Not daunted in the least, F_X began a world-wide spree of sexual debauchery and filthy living in an attempt to gather the necessary diseases before she could inject herself again. She was last seen on a plane to Africa to search for tsetse flies.
The Afterlife must be a nice place, because nobody ever comes back. Help me pack my bags! (male)
BraheSilver succumbed after being attacked by an urban legend this Saturday past. Whil attending a state dinner, the noted astronomer’s bladder exploded after he consumed too much wine. BraheSilver was unable to leave the table to urinate, as the king had not finished dining. “His bladder exploded”, one onlooker was quoted as saying, adding “I got pee-pee on me”. An autopsy revealed that his bladder condition was exacerbated by Chronic Nose Deficiency, an affliction which had plagued him since university. In lieu of flowers, the family has asked well-wishers to make a donation to the Houston Home for Those Unable to Think of Clever Endings for Posts.
Houston resident pravnik was found dead after crashing his 1992 Ford pickup truck early this morning. Friends reported he had been drinking toilet water heavily from the local bar (hey, it’s free, right?) that night after having a domestic dispute with his pet goldfish earlier in the evening. Witnesses say pravnik hurled epithets and spitballs at pedestrians as he wove in and out of traffic at dangerous speeds. Local wino Dirk “Spare Change” Minlow says “he was going balls to the wall when he hit this h’yar dead end. I figger the body flew pret’neer 50 feet or so before landing on muh buddy’s trailer and imp-impal-im-skewered hisself on the TV antenna.”
There will be a closed casket ceremony this Friday. It was pravnik long time wish to have a special casket made with a pony keg built in to the top whre his friends and family could “have the last drink on him”. He will be missed, especially by the many bartenders around town with unpaid bar tabs.
Hit me with your best shot. Time-tripping international robber of indeterminate gender and unparalleled charisma.
The body of world-renowned bon vivant and suspected cat-burgler Horseflesh was discovered by journalist Geraldo Rivero III in a hidden vault at the former headquarters of the Chicago Straight Dope Reader. Cause of death could not be determined; police and forensic experts stated that they had no explanation for how the apparently recently deceased corpse, which was dressed in contemporary clothing, could have gotten into an otherwise empty vault which had been sealed fifty years years ago during the Great Doper Rebellion.
Horseflesh had been present at the annual WorldDopeFest the previous week and had reportedly remarked to many of the attendees that there would be a “big surprise” when the vault was opened. Speculation about the contents of the vault had been a major topic of conversation among leading Dopers ever since plans to open the vault had been announced.
In keeping with the deceased’s often expressed wishes, the body will be stuffed and mounted outside his mansion for the continued enjoyment of his many admirers.
LurkMeister who frequently jokes that if he has to die he would hope it would be at the age of 150 at the hands of a jealous husband. He also expects to one day be able to fly to the moon by flapping his arms.
