The LurkMeister, alas, will lurk no more, due to a freak explosion. Private investigators have tried over and over to reconstruct the events leading up to his attempt at flight (strapped to a home-made rocket going straight up), but the only clue they really found was a strange post on an equally strange message board; some nonsense about “flying to the moon by flapping his arms”. What they do know, however, was that LurkMeister had ridden his rocket to the stratosphere (presumably flapping his arms all the way), and that the rocket collided with a meteoroid in a tragic accident. The subsequent explosion scattered his remains over the Great Lakes, causing tremendous consternation in the region. Due to his reclusive habits, the investigators handling the case were not able to make much headway on this case, but those who know him are grieving his loss at (insert address here), where they gathered as much of him as they could find.
Cougarfang, female feline extraordinaire, who tends to get into fights more easily than healthy for her. And who sucks at obituaries, since she doesn’t read the newspapers much.
Since I’m a fledgling doper, I’ll have to write my own obit:
VunderBob died today, shot to death in flagrante dilecto by the jealous husband. Bob was 105…
RIP Cougarfang who passed away this month, aged 94 (564 in cat years…) due to a tragic affair during which she was captured and forced to perform in an experiment by a group of rather literal minded scientists, who decided to finally put to rest the controversy started by Schrodinger in the early 20th century. Needless to say, any cat sealed in the box with a poison gas phial is now officially considered to be dead. Cougarfang will be missed, but her contribution to science will not go unrecognised. She will be posthumously awarded the Nobel Prize for Physics next week.
IcicleFuzz died late Sunday evening, the victim of domestic violence. He stubbed his pinky toe while taking out the trash that morning and had complained all day to his wife. Tired of his limping and moaning, she attempted to amputate IF at the neck, which of course worked but killed him. Donations are being accepted for his wife’s defense fund.
AP – The body tragically found in the back of a walk-in freezer after a local restaurant closed its doors for good has been identified as well known bon vivant, gourmand, restauranteur and other French words, Icicle Fuzz. Friends said they hadn’t seen him for a while and he’d been urging them to join him for dinner. He’d said something about preparing an extra-special dessert. Fortunately, the deceased’s will specified that he was to be cryogenically frozen. As a result, his remains were shipped to the lab he specified still encased in ice.
HONOLULU, HAWAII – After a life of much joy, grand dame cjhoworth succumed to a rather untimely death, even at the ripe old age of 98.
As a young lady, cj’s interests were varied, and her life was a smattering of all sorts of hobbies and philanthropic ventures.
However, in her twilight years, cj longed to return to the Hawaii of her youth. She longed to relive the moments in the sun, the swaying of the palm trees.
Alas, it was the palm tree that would be her demise. While thumbing through a tome of Japanese ancestry, cj was the unlucky recipient of a coconut to the head. The resulting trauma killed her instantly.
In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the “Komoniwanalaya” Foundation, a frequent recipient of cj’s many bounties.
scout, the world’s oldest living tomboy, passed away unexpectedly this morning at the tender age of 139. scout, who was the leading contender for the world cup horseback water skiing championship, died after her horse missed on the dismount after the compulsory double axle plie competition. Her last words were, “stupid horse, it’s left rear hoof first!”
The remains have been cremated and will be sprinkled over carefully selected oiled up naked cabana boys.
swampbear died in 1284 at the age of 87 1/2. He was on his way to a drag show dressed as a nun, and a townie caught a whiff of the swamp slime trailing on the ground after him. The angry mob then stoned him, skinned him, and put the nice bearskin rug in the King’s chamber. However, the King, who was also on his way to the drag show, was so distraught over the loss of his lover that he set the town on fire and hung himself.
Agentfroot, aged 93, died yesterday after an unfortunate incident involving the FBI. Witnesses to the scene report that Agentfroot was simply sitting on the porch in their small rocking chair, drinking some tea, when a few FBI agents appeared out of the bushes, and shot her down. The 3 agents were immediately arrested and taken from the scene. Agentfroot, however, was fatally shot, and will be missed by her 7 cats.
Any last words!?! LonelyNoodle05, female, who at age 15, often jokes that “I don’t ever want to get old…” and scares her Mom.
What can we say about the dearly and recently departed ** LonelyNoodle05**? It’s simple to say that she has predeceased ** LoneyNoodles 01,02,03 and 04**, and that bears noting.
She was in many ways the runt of the Android Litter. Always a diminutive one, she was careful not to let the Solenoid Fluid ever dribble from her cojoining adhesions while she tended her garden. Some called her persnickety, whilst others simply revelled in the way she made sure to brush her tresses 100 times on each side, nightly before retiring. They found it adorable, despite the fact that her hair never grew, and never grayed.
LonelyNoodle05 left her mark on the planet that built her, to be sure. Where would we be without the Cappuccino-Flavored Anaesthesia, the Ballpeen Knitting Needle ( size 1-15 ), or the now-infamouse Karma Chameleon, who changed colors depending on whether or not George Michael was within 1000 miles of her?
And so we note her passing, and yet like the famed Phoenix of yore, we all know that she’ll be back. Or at least, her recyclable parts will be back.
The well-known scientific researcher Cartoooniverse passed away on Monday at the age of 201 during his yearly summer vacation, having been missing for two weeks before his body was discovered. The exact cause of death is not yet known but seems to involve a cucumber.
Nominated for this year’s Nobel Prize in Physics for his discovery of interdimensional transport and a strange two-dimensional species existing in another universe, he had not yet been notified of winning the Prize before his untimely death.
Funeral services to be held in Las Vegas with Elvis impersonating.
In a bizarre office accident today, co-workers SisterCoyote and Nenya_Elizabeth were found in a blood spattered cubicle strewn with office supplies not normally meant for offensive maneuvers. Experts were able to ascertain from witnesses that it started when SisterCoyote began running with scissors and started chasing Nenya. She retailiated with a heavy duty stapler attack and things escalated from there. Frightened co-workers quickly emptied the floor to allow the two to battle unhindered. SC was found with her head completely Scotch taped and nearly 150 staples embedded in her. Nenya had several Post-it notepads partially inserted into various orofices and the jugular had been slashed several times with the deadly scissors. An OfficeMax forensics expert was called in to identify tragectories of the various impromptu implements of destruction.
The CEO of 3M has personally stated that there are absolutely no chemicals on any of their products that would cause such behaviour and sends his condolences to the respective families. Due to a major mixup at the morgue there will be no viewing as the bodies were accidentally sent to the local zoo as food for several large African cats.
SC is survived by a box of 32 ballpoint pens and a candy dish. Nenya is survived by a yellow legal pad with 19 pages left and a Garfield stress reliever squeeze toy.
Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me (again). I need an obit for each country that I keep a seperate identity in.
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Dopers worldwide were shocked to learn, last Saturday, of the tragic death of ** Horseflesh ** , a Doper of five months. His/Her death was as sudden as it was freakish. Following a visit to the Happy Lucky FunLand Theme Park in Nagoya, Japan, at which s/he experienced a very thrilling time (most thrilling of all was the Crazy Snack Food Ride, in which a roller-coaster train traverses a track made entirely out of pretzel sticks), ** Horseflesh ** was seen entering a popular tourist destination, the Arigato Hotel and Spa, where s/he was kissed by a trangender carhop. According to witnesses, the kiss came as such as surprise, that ** Horseflesh ** collapsed, stricken by a heart attack. According to the ER doctor that treated him/her (and who agreed to breach patient confidentiality for a substantial bribe), ** Horseflesh ** had no previous history of heart trouble, but the excitement of the day had simply proved too much for his/her ticker.
** Horseflesh ** is survived by the Entire Doper community, and three foster opossums that s/he had been raising since their mother was killed in an auto accident. The Opossums could not be reached for comment.
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Love, Kn(hit me Baby, one more time! - Kn*ckers is a chick)ckers
