Back in H.S., we snuck away one day down to the beach. We were lying down, soaking in some rays, when a brisk wind kicked up. Joy sat up on the beach blanket, utterly befuddled. “What’s wrong?”, someone asked. “Where’s the wind coming from? There aren’t any trees!”
I little while later, a friend and I bought her a bunny for her birthday. She named it “Bunny”.
Sua
I’m teaching an SAT Verbal class. All of the students are Asian. Three of them are Chinese-extraction girls.
One of them has started me back on my “You’re an IDIOT!” mental screams.
Her: And (someone) has chinky eyes.
Me: Chinky eyes?
H: Yeah.
M: Meaning what?
H: He has Asian eyes.
M: You have to realize that a lot of people are going to find that kind of offensive…
H: (inturrupting) What? What’s wrong?
Friend (also Chinese descended): It’s a racial statement.
H: It’s not racial!
M: Of course it’s a racial statement. Whether it’s racist is another matter, but you need to know that…
H: It’s not racial.
M: Of course it is…
H: Oh, because I said, “Asian eyes”.
M: I really have to go.
IDIOT!
Well, I can honestly say that I have had my stupid moments.
I was in my school library once in sort of a confuzzled mood when I tried, to no avail, to copy a phrase from one computer, and pasted it to another. After a few seconds of pondering what was wrong, it hit me. I couldn’t believe I had actually tried that. One of my best friends, orion007 (who introduced me to the board), just sat there laughing her ass off at me. Then I laughed, she laughed harder, we all had a good laugh.
Now, I’m not saying I’m an idiot, though I may very well be to some people, but I do have my moments.
[sub]And yes, there have been times (not many, mind you) where I had to take a second to remember whether a dollar was 100 cents or 60…but I swear, I’m NOT an idiot! Really!!![/sub]
Well, I think that’s enough making fun of myself for today. 
A delivery person is sent out from my company in the finger lakes area of NY. Destination: Albany.
Delivery Person (via cell phone): Damn, I think I made a mistake. I’m getting closer to Buffalo.
Dispatch: Buffalo? You are going west on I90, you just traveled 90 minutes in the wrong direction.
Delivery Person: Shit! OK, don’t worry. I’ll turn around, I still have plenty of time to make the delivery.
Later…
Delivery Person: Well, I’m in Buffalo.
**Dispatch: WTF!
Delivery Person: I think I turned completely around.
Dispatch : <exasperated> Just come back. Head east. If I get a call from Cleveland you are fired.
Stupid person #1: Tony
Tony was one of my “pet freshmen” during my senior year of high school. In person he’s actually kinda cool, and certainly doesn’t seem to be as annoyingly ignorant as he actually is. However, now I talk to him online, and I’m quickly losing patience.
For example, he says things like “My sister whom of which she is married” and other blatant grammatical errors, then refuses to believe anyone who tells him he is wrong because he heard one of his aunts use the phrase once, and lord knows his aunt is the be-all and end-all of proper English. Also, he believes in urban legends and refuses to acknowledge that Snopes might know more than he does.
Stupid person #2: My mom
She’s very ignorant, and also just plain mean to me. I can’t think of any good examples right now, though.
Stupid person #3: Carrie
She had a crush on one of my “pet freshmen” and so she’d follow the group of us around, despite the fact that none of us liked her. She has the intellect of a clam.
Her most famous quotes came from overhearing me talk about Gunslinger.
Carrie: Where’s he from?
Me: Texas.
C: Oh my gosh, that’s so cool! But don’t you take French?
M: Um, yes, so?
C: How do you talk to him, then?
M: Uh, he speaks English, dear.
C: Wow, he’s bilingual then?
M: What the hell are you talking about?
C: Don’t they speak Spanish down there?
M: :rolleyes:
C: What’s the exchange rate now, anyway?
M: What exchange rate?
C: Y’know, from Texan dollars to American?
M: :rolleyes again:
Oh, glorious, that. Reminded me of a story I heard.
A friend of mine (let’s say Kim, cause that’s her name) studied in Tessaloniki, Greece, for a year. She, one of the girls from the college town we all lived in who was with her over there (we’ll call her Jane), and a few other girls had gone down to the beach. All of a sudden, Jane says: “Guys, we better head home. I think it’s gonna rain soon”. So Kim asks, “Jane, what the hell are you talking about? It’s a clear blue sky without a cloud in sight! How the hell can it start raining now?”.
Jane said, “Oh yeah! Gee, I never thought about that!”.
In all her 23 years, this girl had never made the connection between rain falling out of the sky, and the aforementioned sky being full of clouds.
She is beautiful beyond belief, and I’d do her in a heartbeat. 
Gary who fortunately has dropped out of my college course or I would have been forced to kill him.
My favourite moment was the day he tried to convince us all that apple is a verb.
Well, I certainly have moments when I qualify.
Aside from my stupidity in my love life sometimes, there is this.
You have probably all gotten that email about the dumb blonde and the key/electronic key thing. Well, I lived it.
I knew that the battery was going dead in my electronic key thing, but I kept forgetting to buy a new one. So one day the thing gave out completely.
So I am standing there, unable to electronically get into my car. And my first thought was, “My cellphone is IN the car, how am I going to call my father to bring me my other set of keys?” In my defense, it only took about thirty seconds to realize I could use my KEY to get in. But, those thirty seconds qualify me.
I am probably one of the dumbest people you know.
Yeah i know one farely inteligence impared individual, We will call him CB Johny, Johny is crazy, he’s had two concussions in the past week, he has gone over a quarter pipe in a shopping cart, set a road on fire, handeled flaming napalm with gas on his hands, and tried to prove that some forms of fire are not hot.
But i think he’s quite amusing, as long as he doesnt kill himself or me.
Just to clarify, a slab is a 24 pack of beer. You can also buy some brands in “blocks”, which contain 30 cans.
Today, I was waiting for my prescriptions to be filled at an in-store pharmacy, and I decided to sit down in the blood pressure machine (you know, the chair with the machine built in, usually at Wal-mart) to see if I was still in the “normal” range (hehe, I’m 22 and in great health).
I was reading the instructions and number ranges, and simultaneously pushing the big red “stop” button. My husband pushed the other button for me.
As I have mentioned quite a few times already, a lot of my cow-orkers believe geese cannot fly. I’m happy to say that I (and the evidence of their own eyes) have convinced many that this is just not correct.
My aunt had a boyfriend once who was really stupid. She used to beg everyone she knew not to laugh at him when he said something incredibly ridiculous. There were two times when I could not bite back my surprised mirth.
Once we were watching T.V. and The Fur Vault commercial came on. My aunt had just been saying that she needed a new winter coat. The commercial voice said: “Get this full length fox fur and ermine trimmed by Alexander for only nineteen ninety-nine.”
Aunty’s BF says: “Hey, why don’t I get you that? It’s only twenty dollars!”
Another time we were driving through The Bronx. Edgar Allen Poe used to live in what at the time was upstate NY, but is now part of the city. His house is now in the middle of a small park called, not surprisingly, Poe Park.
My aunt says: “Look Poe Park. Edgar Allen Poe used to live in that house.”
BF says: “He used to live out there in the middle of a park?”
A friend of mine’s younger brother, named Rhett. She and my best friend and I went to preschool together and still hang out occasionally for old time’s sake, and she drags him along sometimes.
One day the four of us went shopping in Ann Arbor. There used to be this cool house on Liberty St., across from the Se Va restaurant. It was painted all sorts of wacky colors and sold awesome vintage clothes (it’s since closed down - I think it sells rugs now, and it has a normal paintjob). Anyway, on the day in question I had been going on and on for hours about this damn house. We finally trooped down Liberty St. and went inside, me squealing all the time, “The house! The house! Isn’t this place COOL?” Everyone agreed - “yeah! cool house!” - we made our purchases, and as we were walking further down Liberty St., Rhett turns to me, points to a completely random house, and says,
“Kendra, is that the house?”
Aargh.
My brother’s ex wife once asked a waiter how old the aged cheese was. She didn’t want to get sick.
I once told her “I plead the fifth.”
She said “What? Thou shall not kill?”
I thought everyone knew that wind was caused by the tress sneezing.
In the cow orker dept, I used to work with a young lady
named Sussi who seems to exist simply to lend substance to
otherwise offensive “dumb blonde” stereotypes.
One day she was late for work-- because the day before,
she had tried to cover up the mildewed caulking between
the tiles in her shower with Liquid Paper. Not satisfied
with the way that it turned out, she painted the entire
shower enclosure with white paint. When she showered in
the morning the paint ran. “It was terrible,” she said,
“the more I showered, the more paint came off-- It was all
over, in my hair, in my froo-froo. I didn’t know what to
do.” Nice picture.
I took some friends out to an Indian restaurant for
dinner a while back, and my friend Merlin wanted to order
a marguerita. We told him that they wouldn’t have them,
but he insisted on asking the waiter anyway. When told
that in fact they did not serve margueritas, he asked if
they could make one anyway, and explained step-by-step how
to do it. “You know, just chip some ice, puree some strawberries… …little salt around the rim…” I could have
died. Who knows, maybe I’m too sensitive and vindaloo &
marguerita makes sense to plenty of people…
As a firefighter, I’ve been privileged to meet some of the most mind boggling idiots to have ever schlumped out of the gene pool. Some of my favorites:
The lawn maintenance worker who put his foot under a mower “to see if the blade was in gear.” (It was, to the tune of two toes.)
The kid who lit his cigarette while making a gunpowder based pipe bomb. (Second degree burns and a looong interrogation by the local PD. Poor schmuck’s own mom was laughing at him.)
The Builders Square employee who wanted to prove to his cow orkers that mineral spirits isn’t flammable. (It is. The resulting fire cost millions, closed the store permanently, and nearly claimed several firefighters, including my brother.)
The lady who, after covering her dog with flea spray, decide to kill a tick with the hot head of a match. The dog burst into flame, and then ran under a bed, which also soon caught fire. (One room gutted. Second degree burns to the lady’s hands from grabbing dog, and second and third degree to the dog. Follow up newspaper article reported that the dog had recovered fully.)
These would be funny if I didn’t drive the same roads as these fools.
My former roommate is one of the dumbest people I know.
We used to live in NYC. We had one friend who moved to Miami, and another who moved to San Francisco.
I mentioned how cool it was that we could stay at their places, and going to visit them would only cost us airfare and spending money. As soon as I said that, I saw the light bulb go on over her head.
“Is Miami on the way to San Francisco? Maybe we could rent a car and see both of them!”
I must have had a look of shock on my face, because she looked at me funny. I was so stunned by that question that I lost the ability to speak for a moment.
I told her that California and Florida were on completely opposite sides of the country, and that no, Miami was certainly not ‘on the way’ to San Francisco.
She got mad at me because I was ‘acting like a know-it-all’ and laughing at her.
One time I told her that there is a Greek Mafia, except they are called the Mafiaopolis, and they’re very quiet about it. Something happened, and I wasn’t able to tell her I was pulling her leg right away, and I forgot all about it.
A little bit later I overheard her telling the same thing to her father.
He didn’t believe her though.
Another stupid person I know is a girl I work with.
Here is a recent conversation we had about honeymoons:
Me: I went to Hawaii on my honeymoon.
Her: Oh, I’ve always wanted to go there!
Me: Yeah, it was beautiful, I’m glad we went there.
Her: What language do they speak there?
Me: Where? In Hawaii?
Her: Yeah
Me: English, it’s a state.
Her: Really? Isn’t it an island?
Me: Um, yeah, but it is still a state.
Her: Where is it?
Me: In the South Pacific.
Her: Is that our water?
Me: No, it’s the water by California
Her: Oh. I thought it was on our side.
Me: Oh yes, you are correct. Hawaii is right off the coast of Rhode Island, you big giant idiot!
Ok, I didn’t say that last line, but I wanted to. I mean, how do you not know Hawaii is a state? How can you not even know which ocean you see out the window every day? That whole conversation had me stunned for days.
Rose
Amazingly enough, Coldie, Dumb Joy from my story was also a complete hottie. Hmm, is it possible that our tolerance for stupidity increases if we’re attracted to the person?
Nahh, couldn’t be.
Sua
First of all, “Mafiaopolis” is damn funny.
Second of all, my husband just took two doors that we’ll be painting off their hinges…and now has them on the stairs, one after the other, and is using them as a slide. Firefighter Tixenfleas, is this one you’ve seen?
Now…back to the topic. One of my best friends is prone to saying some of the stupidest things, but mostly in high school. Must’ve been the hormones scrambling her brains. She is really quite a literate lady, college-educated and with a witty, rather acerbic sense of humor. Her most infamous moments:
Someone wrote “93 Rules!” in her high school yearbook. She asked, “What are the 93 rules?”
I recommended guppies to her when she was getting her first fish tank, but mentioned that they’re horny little devils and will reproduce practically exponentially in a short amount of time. She asked, “Can’t we get them fixed?” Hi, local vet? I have a 1/2" long fish for you to spay…
We were talking about our preferred body types in men, and I mentioned how I did not like the overdeveloped, overly beefy type. I said, “I don’t want a guy who can’t touch his own elbows,” meaning he coudln’t reach across his chest and touch the left elbow with right hand, etc. She, however, began trying to touch her RIGHT elbow with her RIGHT hand, and said, “Hey, WAIT! I can’t do it either!”
While at a music store, she said this with great, sudden enthusiasm: “HEY! Hey, do you think they’ll have that song?! That song by that guy, that they play on the radio?!” I about choked I laughed so hard, quite literally to the point tears came to my eyes. I laughed that hard again, years later when I’d forgotten about it, and another friend–who’d been there with us–brought it up.
Now, my sister…the only blond one in the family, bottle-blond as it may be:
Dad: Tells typical blond joke: The one about the blond who finally is convinced to get up from a First Class seat on a plane going to California to her correct seat in economy when told “First class is going to New York. Economy is going to California.”
Everyone else: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sister: Huh? I don’t get it.
Me: Sheez, at least don’t admit it!