The Etiquette of "How Are You?"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It seems to me that not everyone gets “how are you?”. Do you get it? Are we on the same page here?

To me, it can be used in 2 different situations, with 2 different true meanings.

Situation A is the simple greeting. In this case, it’s not really a question that expects an answer. For example, this exchange is perfectly normal:

Person A: “How are you?”
Me: “Hey.” or “Hi.” or “What’s happening.” with the inflection of a statement rather than a question. I think the “How are you” can also be said with the inflection of a statement to make it more clear that it’s only a greeting.

This seems obvious to me, but I have had people seem offended that I did not answer their “question” to me of “how are you?” even though I very clearly and obviously acknowledged/greeted them, in some way or another.

However, in situation B it is an actual question, but it has a more implicit meaning. Situation B is when you run into someone you are reasonably familiar with, and have a real, vested interest in some aspect of their life because it relates to your own and you want to have a conversation about it.

Person B: “Hey you!”
Me: “Hey person B!”
Maybe I haven’t seen Person B in a while, depending on the relationship perhaps a hug or a handshake is in order.

Now, that the greeting stage is officially out of the way, I say:

“So how are you?”

Here it is a question, but with the implicit assumption of meaning: “So tell me about what you are doing now, or what’s on your mind, or whatever common interest or activity we share that caused us to meet each other in the first place.”

So when people say “I’m good!” or “Great!” or “Fine, thank you.” and leave it at that, without offering anything further, I get the feeling either they don’t get it, or just don’t want to talk to me. Usually it seems more like they want to talk but are just afraid of being the first one to start sharing personal stuff. So I either have to come up with some more pointed questions, or start sharing first. But there must be at least some people that get it, right?

2

It all depends on how well you know the person asking as well as the situation.

A close personal friend or friend of the family who asks this questiion in a time which he or she knows is a time of worry or tragedy (sickness, death, that kind of stuff) deserves an honest answer. If you are devastated, on the brink of a nervous breakdown, whatever, answer truthfully because that person truly cares.

On the other hand, a casual acquantance, colleague and so forth who asks this as a pleasantry on a day to day basis expects to hear the answer: “I’m fine. How are you today?”

This reminds me of something a teacher said to my homeroom class one day in the ninth grade. He said, “When somebody asks ‘How are you?’, unless this is somebody you know really well, who actually cares how you are doing, the correct answer to give is ‘I’m fine’, even if, you know personally, that with the next step or breath you take, you are going to fall over dead.”

I loved this answer. I understood the meaning. Close friends and family who know of your personal circumstances will really want to know how you are. Anybody else who asks, is just being polite. Tell those who really care how you are really, to everybody else, you’re fine. Make sense

3

Hmm, this doesn’t really jibe with my conception at all. When it’s a greeting, I contend it’s not even a question needing response at all. It’s an acknowledgement of presence.

When it’s a real question and I do expect an answer (see situation B above), it’s not so much that I’m “being polite” as I am fishing for something interesting to have a conversation about.

4

There’s another part I really didn’t understand until I heard Studs Terkel talk about it. He taught me to add two words to the customary exchange.

Nott: Hello.
Checkout person: Hi, how ya doing?
Nott: Just fine. And you?
Checkout person: It’s going pretty well, really. Thanks for asking.

As Terkel pointed out, the ritual was cold and impersonal until those two words. It injected a little bit of personal concern (or at least the illusion of concern,) and the tone of the conversation is altered slightly.

5

Yes, that’s exactly what I don’t like. I’ve never been a big fan of pretense.

To me, it’s about actually acknowledging the other person and not going through some lame ritual because we feel obligated to. Which is why a simple back and forth “hey” is perfect. Maybe that’s the solution to my problem, I’ll just stop using “how are you” (in the greeting, situation A sense) entirely, and make sure I greet a person in some other way when they say it to me.

6

I constantly get this and it’s always irritated me.

If people close to me ask, it has meaning and it’s appropriate.

From strangers, it’s just annoying and I make it a point to send a subtle message by a simple “thank you” in response. Not “Fine”. Not “Great”. Not “Super! How are you?” Just a non emotive “thank you”.

7

I highly recommend Miss Manners (no, really - she’s got a great sense of humor). In her opinion, the proper response to “How are you?” is always “Fine. And you?” If you really want to know how a person is doing, you say, “So tell me, how are you really?”

This advice was usually dispensed in response to the opposite problem: “How are you?” “Not great. See my colitis is acting up and my hydrangieas are wilting and my nephew just got arrested for petty larceny, and…”

8

also, there are differences between, “how are you?” “how are you doing?” “how ‘ya doin’?” and “how have you been?”

for “how are you” the response is “fine thanks, and yourself?” (I usually say something silly like, “everything’s ducky in my pond, how about you?” or “I’m groovy, man. and yourself?” because it breaks the monotony without giving too much information.)

for “how ‘ya doin’?” the response is, “how 'ya doin.” or “hi”

“how are you doing?” is when they really want to know, relative to a certain situation. Usually either if you’re working on something or if you’re sick. The proper response is a slightly sweeter version of the truth. “a little better, thanks” or “I’m making progress” or whatever it may be.

“how have you been,” is an invitation to say, “well, I had the flu last week and I think I’m failing math class and I quit my job and…” and, of course, follow it with “how about you? how have you been?”

9

I think it’s fine to answer honestly, but only if it’s really really concise. So, you just learned that your son is to be tried as an adult and your wife has a skin condition never before seen outside of Kazakhstan and your neighbor calls to tell you that their’s smoke coming from your house and your daughter just let you know that she’s pregnant but also a lesbian, the response to “How are you?” would be “I’ve been better, thanks” or “Oh… not great. And you?”

If the person is not being rhetorical then they can ask “Oh really, what’s wrong?” If they don’t feel like being a sounding board that day they can say “Oh, sorry to hear that. About those TPS cover sheets…”

My maternal grandmother always interpreted “How are you?” as “Please tell me your interconnected trials and tribulations and I beg you, leave nothing out… start anywhere you like but be sure to give as much backstory as possible”. When they were at a restaurant or in a store with her and somebody would ask the old lady this Meemaw would usually begin with “Weeeeelllllll…” and whichever daughter was with her would instantly cut her off with “She’s fine”, usually to a look of relief on the questioner’s face. Personally I usually answer with “I’m okay” unless it’s early in the day when I answer with “It’s too early to really more than conjecture at the moment, check with me later”. To “How’s it going?” my invariable response is “It goes”, which answers the question and is invariably, one way or another, truthful.

10

Heh. It seems like some of you feel “being honest” means complaining that things are shitty.

That really wasn’t what I was talking about at all, but interesting nonetheless.

11

I don’t consider it a less sincere greeting than, say, “It’s nice to meet you.” If you don’t know the person then you really can’t make a judgment as to whether it’s nice to meet them or not; you may in retrospect look back and say “damn, meeting them was a low point!”, but what you’re really saying is “I am extending you credit towards the belief that you will be a person I will at least be neutral to having met and ideally will be glad to have met”. “How are you?” is saying “Hello… all factors being equal to me I hope that you are feeling good.”

12

Of course the hypocrisy that always irked me was letters from creditors or lawyers or otherwise unpleasant people or even from total strangers that begin with “Dear _____”. In what conceivable way am I dear to you? Especially since you’re probably written by a computer.

13

So, how *YOU * doin’?

14

Now that’s a whole 'nother thing. I say that plenty as well. :slight_smile:

15

One of my old boyfriends’ fathers didn’t talk to me for months because he was offended that when he asked me how I was I said, “hi!”

So when I found that out I thought he was an utter asshole but in the interest of peace I got in the habit of saying, “fine thanks, how are you?”

Then I worked in retail and, you know, a lot of people like to say, “JUST fine?..that’s too bad!” which is irritating so I got in the habit of saying, “I’m great, thanks, how are you?”

I never ever ask people how they are without actually meaning it. I really don’t. If I don’t care how someone is I don’t ask. If I want to make the exchange warm I smile. I always mean that.

16

Personally, my exchanges go like this:

Co-worker or casual friend: How are you?
Me: I’m fine, thank you, how are you?

It takes a little longer to say, but it has its own llittle rhythm and it’s polite, to boot.

It is, however, really hard to say “I’m fine” when I just got dumped or something like that, but I say it anyway. They don’t need to hear my life story. If someone answered my “How are you?” with “Hi,” it would be a little jarring, but I wouldn’t think much else of it.
Man, little niceties are complicated.