Ugh. Not bad enough for the Pit, but c’mon, people!
When I pass someone in the hallway at work, I’ll usually say something like, “Hey, how’s it going?” and the other person will usually say something like, “Good, thanks!” or “Not bad, how about you?” or “It’s almost Friday, so not too bad!” And we walk past each other and get on with our lives.
But there are a handful of people who are almost guaranteed to respond with a sad shrug and something negative.
I could understand it if your dog died that morning. But for those people who do it every time… They’re just sourpusses, or they expect me to continue my questioning so they can compain about their lives. And we’re only passing in the hall, so I’m not getting into a serious conversation with them.
I’d like to get into the heads of people who do this! Do you just hate putting on a fake smile? Does no one else ever ask you how you are, and you’re excited about the chance to compain? Do you care if I just smile and nod in return and walk away without asking you why everything is NOT ok?
Ask a better question! “How’s it going?”, is an inquiry into how your day feel. And most people answer lightly and honestly, “Ok! You?”, and move along. Some people are having a shit day and say something like, “I’ve had better days, but there’s always tomorrow!” Again, honest and light.
Some people are just looking for an opening to complain. Because it’s what they do, it’s the inner voice they hear. If you can identify them, change the damn question!
Maybe try, “What’s bright and wonderful in your world today?”, or some variation. Yeah, they may well pull out the complaining self, “Nothing, as always!”
Think of it as an opportunity to exercise your creative side, constantly coming up with new questions, framed in such a way to elicit a cheerier response. “That dark cloud still following you around?” I think, if you kept at it, you could turn it into a bit of a game. Maybe holding a mirror up to the complainer a little, at the same time getting them to laugh about themselves.
I’m pretty sure this board could resupply you with clever questions should you ever run dry!
I’m talking about casual acquaintances here – the kind of work colleagues you pass in the hallway. I’m honestly not sure what they want to do – do they want me to be all like, “Oh, what’s wrong?” and then they could bithch to me about thier lives for 15 minutes? I really don’t want to listen, random hallway person! Just nod and smile and bitch to someone else who cares!
I would definitely expect a good friend to share their honest feelings with me, and me with them.
Ugh. Sorry. This is coming off like I’m a mean person, and I’m really not. I’m actually a very empathetic person. But there are a handful of people who continuously do this to me, and I’m really not sure what they’re expecting me to do. I suppose I’ll just have to nod and smile at them for now, and not even ask how they’re doing…
When I was working at my first job in English, colleagues would ask me how I was and I thought they were actually asking me, so I’d answer factually.
I have since learned that this is not the proper response in English conversation.
In French the “How are you? – Fine, thanks, and you?” exchange is less frequent, although we see it a lot in French translations of English-language movies and TV shows.
Honestly, pet peeve or not, it’s a social nicety. 10 people proably ask me each day how I’m doing, and it’s always “Fine, thanks, and you?”
I believe most of the people who don’t respond in a similar manner are looking for something – sympathy, maybe? Someone to whine to? Whine to your friends, not some friendly person who kinda knows you because we work in the same office.
The whole “how are you?” thing is just filler. We say it because we’ve been conditioned to. I don’t ask this anymore, just say a nice “Good Morning!”. Works just as well as an acknowledgement without any of the drawbacks.
I hate complainers. I truly believe the more you complain the worse your life looks. Yes, it is good to complain now and then and vent, but if every time someone asks you anything you complain then you are looking at the world in a very negative way. Fine, have at it, but don’t expect me to look at your negative world, too. The world is a very beautiful place.
Yeah, fine, I’ll stop asking those specific people “How are you?”
But you know what? Even if I just say “Good morning,” they’re gonna give me this big heave and sigh anyway, practically begging the question, “Oh, are you okay?”
So as Anaamika says above, compainers suck. Complain to your real friends, not to me.
I dislike the whole “how’s it going?” “how are you?” bit unless you know me and want the truth. I know it’s just another way of saying hello and stuff but it’s silly. It especially sucks and is hard to grasp for people new to English, they think you actually care and want to know. I try to be serious when people ask that question and I figure if I am maybe they won’t ask again. If I give a negative answer that may just be how I’m doing that day. I don’t want your sympathy, you asked and I answered. People should just wave or say hello.
I have struggled with the other side of this for the last 3-4 years. The outer circumstances of my life have been so mind-numbingly awful, so absolutely horrific that those in the know have honestly looked at me and said things like “I can’t imagine a worse problem.”
The problem being so long term, and so very private, it becomes really difficult to find a response to these mindless queries. I have settled on things like a cheery “Still verticle!” or “Every day above ground is a good day!” or “Hanging in there, how about you?” Anything to put it back on the other person without actually lying outright.
But honest to goodness I wish folks would quit asking. It really sucks when you get to the point that even your closest friends just can’t listen anymore. And having some mere aquaintance, however well-meaning, ask what you so desperately wish someone really would sit and hear the answer to - it’s just really hard.
And absolutely the worst is the people who don’t care to listen, don’t really want to know, but do want to judge you for not having a spiffy happy life like theirs so that you can give them the answer they find most convenient.
I used to give a miserable answer to the question “how are you?” to just about everyone. I’ve since smartened up. Nowadays I usually answer “fine.” If I’m feeling really bad, and someone I know well asks me how I am, I will often answer truthfully.
Something else I’ve found is that if someone asks how you are, and you answer “not good” or “terrible” or something along those lines, they often ask why.
Once upon a time, the standard phrase was “How do you do?” And the answer required by custom and etiquette* was “How do you do?”. Anyone who responded as if the phrase was an actual question was considered to be . . . incompletely refined. It minimized these sorts of decisions.
Before my time of course. Also, probably, above my station.
I know someone who always replies: “Better than I was yesterday, but not as good as I’ll be tomorrow.” It’s cute the first few times. After awhile it just seems too long.
Had to check the spelling and found out that the word originally meant ticket. Interesting.
Generally I’ll respond with something like “Good. How’s your day going?”
But it is acceptable to respond otherwise as long as you don’t make a story out of it.
Acceptable: “How’s it going?”
“Not so good. I got a flat tire this morning and had to change it in the rain.”
Unacceptable: “How’s it going?”
“Well, it’s funny you should ask. I got up this morning and I was thinking there was something I was supposed to remember. But danged if I could remember what it was. Isn’t that always the way? I usually write myself a note so I remember things and put it on my refrigerator door so I see it in the morning. But there was no note there this morning when I was getting my eggs out to make breakfast. So I went ahead and got ready for work anyway thinking if it was something important it would eventually come to me. Well, sure enough, around ten o’clock, I was having a cup of coffee down in the break room and I ran into Bob, who works in the next office over. And seeing Bob reminded me that I…”
More difficult is when something really bad happened and it’s too overwhelming to bring up in casual conversation. But at the same time, you don’t want to have to pretend everything’s fine when it isn’t.
Example: “How’s it going?”
“Pretty bad. I’ve just been to my wife’s funeral.”
I mean what do you say to somebody at that point? On the other hand if you did just have some major tragedy, you’re not going to want to say something like “Fine, thanks.” I guess the best answer is to say something non-specific like “Not very good. I’ve had a difficult day.” That lets the other person know you’re not in a light-hearted mood without putting the burden of an awkward conversation on them.
Precisely. This si what I grew up with and it was just so much easier. There was no real question there, as if it were a nonsense phrase. I guess what people here are saying is that “How are you?” shoudl be treate int he same manner?
Why above your station? I don’t understand that. I heard it well into my twenties, from most everybody. . . was it considered hoity-toity or something?
It’s a greeting, not a question, despite the form. Just as, when I wish someone “Goodbye!” I’m not actually expressing a wish that “God be with ye!” and when I say, “Bless you!” I’m not actually saying, “May you be marked with blood, as for a sacrament!”
I teach my student as much. Every morning I greet them with, “Good morning! How are you!” and they are to respond with, “Good, thanks, how are you?” to which I respond, “Great, thanks for asking!”
A literal interpretation does nobody any favors and is not a correct interpretation.
