Pleasantry Hell Givers

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

PHG or Pleasantry Hell Givers are a black hole in the universe of day to day work life.
Everyone knows at least one PHG, possibly more. How can you spot a PHG? Does the following conversation look familiar to?:

You: Good Morning

PHG: What’s so good about it? I ran over my cat, have a pimple on my ass, my mom died, my father didn’t love me, I hate GW, that movie sucked, my teeth hurt……….

I see you are nodding your head in agreement now. If your head is not nodding agreement, then you really need to keep reading and absorb the following tips and advice.

I am a pleasant person. I work in smallish office (200) or so people. I don’t know them all by name, but I know most of them by face. When I see them in the hall, or lunch, coming or leaving work, I like to say “Hello”. Sometimes if we are stuck in what I call a PHP (Pleasantry Hell Place) like the elevator lobby, the elevator itself, or even in line in the office cafeteria I may expand my pleasantry to include a “How are you doing?”. If I am feeling brave, I may even say “How is your day going?”.

Now, when you read my previous two pleasantries and you thought to yourself “Good. You?” Or “Fine. How about yours?”. Then, bravo to you! You comprehend the mystery that is Pleasantries. If you thought anything more than that, for the love of everyone around you, keep reading.

You may be thinking to yourself now, “Gosh, im still reading. Dob, am I a PHG? Cause I don’t think I am. I just like to talk to people and they like to talk to me. My life is tough, and its nice to get it out. I mean, take last night, I was at home and I………”

Do you see? You see what happened? If that thought was yours you are a PHG, and well, I hate you. Seem harsh? Tough. Look dumbass, I don’t know you. I don’t even know your name. I just know you work in my building. So I say “Hello”. It’s just a freakin Pleasantry. It doesn’t mean I want to be your friend. It doesn’t mean I want to listen to you as we travel up 6 floors together in the elevator. Just so you know; I wasn’t jumping up and down in the elevator because I was excited about the large piece of “something” you found on pillow. I was jumping up and down because I was praying to God the elevator cable would snap and my misery would end.

Here is a clue for all PHG’s. If you don’t know more about me than my name, and floor I work on, what makes you think I want to know what in the six hells you found on your pillow!!! I DON’T! Just smile, say “fine.” And lets move on with our lives in harmony and peace. I don’t think the ringing in your ears you complained about yesterday is because you have a tumor, I think your ears ring from all the self-inflected gunshot wounds that happen around you. When someone shoots hot lead into their body to simply avoid listening to you anymore that is what some might call a CLUE.

Look, you are probably a nice guy. Truly. If I wanted a friend, maybe I would look you up, but I don’t, and I haven’t. Final tip; Keep it short, keep it polite, but for the love of all that is holy and right, just keep moving.

Recap:

Good Pleasantry:

You - “Hello”
Other - “Hi”
Bad Pleasantry:

You - “Hello”
PHG - “Hi. Did I tell you about this honking nasty wax thing I found on my pillow? OMG I think it might be was of some kind. But I dont know exactly, sure was nasty. It reminded me…” <BANG> “of this time in band camp…” etc…

If you hear the loud BANG you know you went on to long. Practice. You are not only saving the lives of others, but possibly, yourself.

thank you.

2

I give it a 5.5, but only because the rant was better when Ellen DeGeneres did it.

3

I’ve got some advice for you Dob. If you don’t want to know how someone is doing- don’t fucking ask! If I have an ice-pick of a hangover piercing my skull you can bet the first knob who asks “So, how are you today?” isn’t going to get “Fine, thanks.” I’m going to grumble “Hungover.” Not what you’d like? Keep your mindless “pleasantry” drivel to yourself and let’s just ride the elevator in peace, shall we? Fuckwit.

4

I have no problem with this. It’s when you proceed to tell me how you got the hangover, what you drank, how many times you threw up, that you cross from normal, to PHG…dick.

5

Because you know it’s coming
Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays

6

Beautiful rant, Dob–I agree! When you’re thirteen, you may lack the social skills to recognize pleasantries. By the time you’ve moved out of your parents’ house, you need to understand their function. If you are Too Self-Righteous to engage in them, then at least follow Quint’s one-word suggestion.

Other okay responses:

Me: How’s it going?
You: Gah! Busy!

Me: How’s it going?
You: Hmmph.

Me: How’s it going?
You: Oh, you know. I’m here.

Me: How’s it going?
You: Shut it, dumbass.

I’d prefer the first than the last, but at least the last is over quickly. Never bore me with information about how it’s actually going, unless you’re family or close friend.

Daniel

7

I didn’t used to care much for empty pleasantries, but now I use them as an opportunity to make my day better. You see, when someone asks you how you are or how your day is going, saying “Super!” or “Wonderful!” is a self-fulfilling prophecy (and it usually stops people in their tracks, too). I would much rather have a good day than a crappy one, and so much of it is attitude. I agree with you about the PHGs too, Dob. If your life sucks so bad, fix it, don’t just complain about it.

8

Well, to even the score, pleasant people annoy the hell out of me. Always smiling, asking “Hello, how are you?” Do you really care? If no, then here’s a clue - I don’t want to talk to you. I’m hoping, by telling you how rotten things are, that you will go away and not bother me again. Pleasantries might help you get through the day. Personally, I only suffer other human beings because it is necessary. Once I figure out how to be independently wealthy and not have to deal with non-friends and non-family, I will do so. Until then, keep your remarks confined to the business at hand, and if we have no business at hand, a nod will do.

9

<Big Gay Al>I’m THUPER, thankth for athking; all things conthidered I couldn’t be better I must thaaaay!"</Big Gay Al>

d&r

10

I’m with Dob on this.

I’ve just been to hell and back in my personal life, and at NO POINT did any well-meaning individual receive a reply from me other than, “Good, thanks. You?”

Walking up a long corridor towards an acquaintance coming the other way is something both parties probably want to avoid, usually. Just “hi” and get it over with. You know it’s just a shallow reason to get you out of there, and that the other person’s response is motivated the same way, and they know it too. Keep it painless for the both of you.

I’ve heard that you should always try to match the gesture or roughly the number of syllables the initiating person uses:

Good
Other guy: Slight smile and friendly raised eyebrow.
You: Flash of facial recognition, and maybe a quick wave of a finger or two.

Good
Other guy: Hi.
You: Hey mate.
Bad
Other guy: Hey! How you going? Man, I’m busy today…
You: Hi.

11

I confess, I am a former PHG.

Then I realized it was bad manners, not to mention just a general psychic drain on the poor schmucks who had to listen to me whine. And kvetching was certainly doing nothing to improve my mood. So, basically, I sucked.

If you are a PHG, and would like to not suck, here is my magical two step recovery plan:

  1. If someone asks how you’re doing, and you’re not really doing all that great, say, “Fine, thanks. And how are you?”

  2. Repeat step #1.

12

So you ask someone how they’re doing, yet you don’t actually care at all how they’re doing, and instead want some stock response, it’s their fault for answering your question?

13

I’m glad you asked. I’m doing pretty good, except my stomach’s a bit off this morning. I think it’s from my supper last night. I went out to eat - you know Sam’s #3? - on Havana near Parker? You can get a really good breakfast there on weekends, except they do over easy almost raw, you should ask for over medium, but they’ve got damn good bacon. Well, I went there last night after I stopped at King Soopers and couldn’t find any good meat… Have you noticed that? This time of year, all you can find is ham and turkey - it’s like steak doesn’t exist. And then I thought, well, maybe I can find a small ham, since it’s just me. Did I tell you I broke up with my girlfriend? Yeah, it’s just me now… But I couldn’t find a small ham, and it’s just as well, because if my girlfriend had wanted to get back together and come over for dinner, she doesn’t like ham. Doesn’t like scallops either, she thinks they’re all cut from stingrays. She’ll only eat bay scallops, and have you ever tried to get bay scallops in Colorado? Trout, now you can get some good trout.

BLAM

14

Indeed it is, because “how’s it going?” is an idiom, a goddamn idiom, and every speaker of English knows that it’s an idiom. By treating it as if it’s literally asked, you’re being deliberately obnoxious.

Or really, really clueless. I guess I was exaggerating when I said every speaker of English knows it’s an idiom. Almost every speaker knows. The remainder are really, really clueless.

Daniel

15

Well, I think deliberately engaging in a conversation that has no substance is obnoxious, so pthbbbt.

16

Too fuckin bad, dude–that’s the way our society works. I think the rule against shoving my face into a plateful of spaghetti and shouting “Nahmaaamaahgghggham!” as I suck it all down is obnoxious, too, but I obey the rule, because that’s the way our society works.

Taking stands against social lubricants is something that people really need to get out of their system during their adolescent years. It’s kind of cool when you’re fourteen; when you’re thirty, it’s just pitiful.

Daniel

17

And realizing that people aren’t always talkative or cheerful or sociable all the time, and that you just might not know what’s best for them is something you should get out of your system by about nine.

18

Oh, bullshit. Yes, sometimes poor Troy has had a bad day; that’s why you can say, “Meh,” when someone asks you how you’re doing, and that’s the sign you give them that you don’t want to talk.

Most people like social lubricants, and it’s childish and whiny to punish people for engaging in pleasantries that most people enjoy. If you don’t want to engage in them, just don’t–don’t act like an asshole about it.

Daniel

19

Heh. I actually got this one when I was a kid once. I said hi to a guy I was passing on the street:

Me: Um, hello.
Guy: Suck it.

Disturbing, yet hilarious. Who the hell says “suck it” to a passing 10 year old?

20

Well, that’s not really an option, since it’s a question being asked. I guess I could completely ignore them, but if I do that, I suspect I’d be even a bigger monster than if I had responded truthfully in the Pit thread.

My problem is with playing these little games that serve no purpose. If all I care about is your ability to answer the question whose answer I don’t care about properly, then why start this little game at all?