The Final Theater Whine Thread

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve wanted to see the most recent installment of The Matrix since seeing the first movie. Before they’d started on it, when it was just a glimmer in the Wachowski’s eyes.

Ticket sales began on Monday at 6 PM for the opening week’s shows. The first showing was Wednesday at midnight – 00:01 Thursday, to be precise. I had to work Monday at 6 PM, and was unable to buy a ticket. They were sold out by 10:30, when I returned from work.

Wednesday I got off work, and thought it might be interesting to try sneaking in. Using time-honed bullshit skills, I infiltrated past the ticket takers, going so far as to make them feel sorry for me. Those of you in the know just noticed two things: one, exactly how I got in; and two, that I wasn’t using my powers for good.

Karma noticed. Midway through the movie, Karma stepped up behind me, placed a SIG Sauer P228 to the base of my skull, and fired a single deadly shot.

The creature beside me pissed into a cup.

Let me re-iterate, since thankfully that’s not a sentence a person would stumble upon regularly.

The creature, for I can not call an entity capable of such a man, urinated into a plastic cup while sitting right next to me. Sharing an armrest with me. A plastic cup, to better amplify the sound.

I will probably see The Matrix again in the theater. I will probably buy it when it comes out on DVD. And because I couldn’t wait one day to see the movie, I will probably remember this film not for the fight scenes, the special effects, or the sex, but for the thing that pissed into a cup beside me.

2

Could have been worse… could have been erect.

3

There IS no piss cup.

4

Obviously if you had paid for a ticket everyone in the theatre would have been well behaved.

5

And then what happened?

Fagjunk Theology: Not just for sodomite propagandists anymore.

6

Ha! That’s nothing!! :smiley: (teasing) I was accosted by one of those “creatures”. It was during “the Devil’s Advocate”. My bf and I had just found seats and settled in, the second to the last row in a nearly empty theatre (we’d decided to avoid the crowds and gone to the 5:20pm Fri matinee right after work).

There were maybe 20 people in the theatre. So…anyway, good ole Keaneu is doing his court room scene, tellin’ it to the jury brothers!!

When, from directly behind me, I hear a “Jack Daniels” moan, and this creature rises up from the floor in the back row.

Pointing one grimy hand with finger extended toward the ceiling he pontificates along with Keaneau (sp?), “AaaeeeagggUuu RR,UH HUH gggghuuuRRRrrrUUUHhhhu HUH”!!!

And then “THUUUUD” as he falls back to the floor. BF and I look at him, and at each other, and crack up!!!

Onscreen Keaneau continues, he reaches a particularly salient point, at which time our “creature” again arises from the depths of the back row floor.

“AAAARrrrAAAAWWWW HA HA!!!” he argues.

“THUD” 'rrrrrrrrrmmmmgeeerrrrrHUH HA" “THUD!!! shuffle, scuffle< MRRRRRPPPPPHHHHHH”.

Suddenly a hand clamps itself around my ANKLE!!! I jerk both feet up and put them on the row ahead of me (thank goodness for a nearly empty theatre).

“What’s wrong” the BF asks. “It grabbed my ankle”!!!

“You’d better pick up ypur purse then”!!

Which I do, and place in my lap. We keep hoping the thing will just pass out and let us enjoy the show, but it’s not to be.

“ARRRGGGHH, grraaawwwwppppffffffffffft”, and then a hand grabs the back of my seat and it pulls itself up (pulling out a good bit of my long hair which had been across the back of my seat).

Again, it began it’s courtroom closing arguments, only more loudly this time.

“MAHGUUURRRRGGGGG HA!!!”.

A man sitting in our row, but several seats away looks over at us (no one in the theatre has missed this excitement, but like us we were just hoping he’d pass out, or go away).

He says “would you like me to go get the manager”? My boyfriend and I nod, we are pretty much too helpless with laughter to speak at this point.

The man leaves, and comes back, with a little usherette. She couldn’t have been more than 15 and was about 4’11" and many 70 pounds sopping wet. She tugs on the creature’s shoulder and says “sir? You’ll have to leave”.

That was it for us, we just completely lost it, I managed to gasp “oh sweetie, I think you are going to need a LEEETLE more help”.

We did get free tickets out of it and our money back.

7

What would you have done?

8

I’d’ve stood up in the theater, pointed at the guy, and said as loudly as I could, “This freak just pissed into his soda cup!”

I saw the Matrix last night, and while sitting in the theater, waiting for the lights to go down, this enourmous, shaven-headed, tatooed muscle-man stood in front of the audience and repeatedly bellowed “TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES!” He was celarly a patron, but I think the theater should hire him full time.

9

I would LOVE it if an usher would announce right before the feature starts that people answering cell phones will be removed from the theater.

10

Removed from the theatre? Hell, they should install an automated minigun turret just above the movie screen. Hold a little “demonstration” with a manneguin, and show the audience that they know how to judiciously deal out a few hundred rounds or so into a fleshy human-sized target.

11

Let me see if I’ve got this straight:

You snuck into a movie without paying, no doubt depriving someone who did pay ofr a ticket of their rightful place to sit, and then you get all whiny because the guy sitting next to you pissed into his soda cup.

Boo-Fucking-Hoo. :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

12

I don’t see how one necessarily follows the other.

13

Jesus fucking Christ, Payton, would you lay off the damn roll-eyes already? You use three or four in every post I’ve seen you make. They don’t grow on trees, you know.

14

Hey, these----->:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: don’t make the Baby Jesus cry, so I’ll use them as I see fit.

15

First, when I posted this to the list I wrote it for, I called it “A Moraity Tale”. I know you have poor reading comprehension, but try to notice that I put a thing in at the end, where I showed regret for doing what I did.

Second, I showed up at the theater fifteen minutes before the movies started. Many people had been there for hours. No one came in after me. I took a single seat in the middle of a row, that would have stayed empty. All of the tickets were sold two days earlier; for a theater of that size, there’s a statistical impossibility that every single person would have shown up. To prove that, I actually got a ticket to the movie that someone else hadn’t used. I didn’t deprive anyone of anything.

And finally, don’t try to justify your actions by blaming it on me. That was disgusting, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Go to the fucking bathroom next time.

That was my first thought as well. However, I didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s movie experience just because he did mine. Plus, if it’s even possible to incite a mob of geeks, they would have probably been mad at me, rather than him. I planned to at the end of the movie, but the music was too loud. There was also the possiblity of him using his warm cup o’ piss as a weapon if confronted, and then I’d have had to kill him.

16

Quit trying to rationalize away the fact that you took away someone’s seat, and that they, not you, rightfully belonged there.

As for your incredibly lame attempt to pass me off as the guy who pissed in the cup, I was quite a few states away from you at the time of the incident, namely in Maryland, which, last time I checked, is at least 400 miles away from Iowa.

So, you’re 0 for 2, care to take another swing at it?

17

No, he didn’t. He clearly states he talked his way into an otherwise empty seat. Still new to this whole “reading” thing?

Wait a minute, you’re saying you aren’t the guy Wikkit was talking about? Damn, he sure had me fooled, the rascal.

Hey, you forgot to add a buttload of these: :rolleyes: It’s not a real Payton’s Servant post without at least a half-dozen of them.

18

ME: “So, I was smoking marijuana, and I saw a woman beat her child! That’s horrible! She’s a terrible person!”
PAYTON: “You’re an asshole, SPOOFE! How DARE you criticize someone else, no matter what they did, when YOU were doing something wrong yourself! You’re not perfect, so you lose the right to point out an awful act when it happens! I, however, AM perfect, so I can point out YOUR foibles without having to worry about the beam in mine own eye!”

This parable brought to you by the Get Payton A Fucking Clue And A Valium Foundation.