I can’t rightly say why I’m posting this up here, cept for two parts vanity and one part a vague feeling of contentment over it. The column is a small piece I run in a local gay newspaper.
The Gift
Well it seems Christmas-time has rolled around again, as it always does, sneaking up with blatant commercial ploys earlier each year. This time it was before Halloween, wasn’t it? Ahh America, land of the quick buck, how I do love thee and they charming ways. Still, mixed in with all that Hallmark fluff and money is a message which remains timeless, has been around since before a bunch of Jewish men and their rabbi were killed in various disturbing ways by the Romans. Other cultures celebrated a day of giving, and its a good idea. It is a time where affections can be truly shared by tokens and words without, if done properly, some sort of debt being incurred. But we often forget that its about taking as well, and thats not an evil thing. We tend to reflexively dismiss taking as shallow or irrelevant. “Tis better to give than to receive”, as you’ll often hear about this time of year, but receiving is an act of good will too. Anyone who has ever had a gift rejected can tell you that it feels miserable, like a rejection of the person who wishes them to have it. By giving a gift, whether it be wrapped with a bow or with kind words, we say “You are one I appreciate, respect, care about. Please take this and remember the spirit it was given in”. It is a talisman of something beyond just a woolly sweater or a pair of socks that play a little jingle (I know you’ll end up reading this column, Mom, so don’t even think about it). It stands for the person and what they mean to the giver. By accepting, we say “I care about you as well, though I may not always show it, and I will care about this gift even if I’ve got no use for it because the item came from you.” I have been given many gifts in my life, but perhaps never properly taken them until now. With your patience, I would like to take this time and this space to do so.
For the gift of my parents, I say “thank you”. For showing me that their trust is absolute and love with boundaries a meaningless phrase, I can think of no way to repay either of them. Indeed, they would not wish me to repay them in some way because it is not a debt to either my mother or my father, merely (and such a large merely to me) the way of acting out a good truth which lies deep inside both of them. Whether I was the worst deadbeat ever or the next President of the United States, I know they both would love me equally because, once you love with all your heart, infinity cannot be exceeded. Whats more, I know they are both proud of me even with my foibles and annoying habits. I know that as long as I make my way in this world the best I know how to, they always will be proud of me. Their faith in my abilities has remained boundless. When I was in pre-school, my father would drop my brother and I off, and he would tell us we could do anything we put our minds to. I think he still believes that to this day. Their faith sustained me through dark times when I couldn’t always depend on anything else. It kept the spark within, the hope for better things, alive when it felt near to guttering out and plunging all my world into darkness. To Arthur and Linda Meredith, I can only receive these gifts and write this small thank you for a lifetime of giving.
To all my friends both past, present and future, I also must acknowledge gifts given. You who encourage my insane schemes, acknowledge what I’m good at, and tolerate what I truly stink at. You who help support my world, and who I’ve tried, from time to time, to help in return. There is not a word in the English language which sufficiently describe what these people have meant to me, but if there were it would encompass truth-teller, comfort-giver, caretaker, thought-provoker, and sometimes a sharp smack upside the head when necessary. Finding such a good group of people is almost certainly one of the rarest gifts a person could ever be given.
Finally, I think it only fair to extend thanks beyond those I know to people I don’t, but who still have given me a gift beyond price. I want to extend a thanks to the entire gay community which has provided a space for this one unworthy writer to find his true self in, without judgement or anger. Many have given me chances which others would have greatly hesitated over granting one so young, and I’d like to think that I’ve followed through with them. More importantly, many have given me a time and a place where it is safe to be me, sometimes at great costs to their own lives and dignity. I will perhaps never see most of your faces, but I know you’re out there and I know that I love you all for your gifts.
Thrice-blessed beyond measure, I extend this blessing onto you, dear readers: Pax vobiscum. Peace be unto you. May you find a warm place in heart and home, may you find others to share your warmth with and, in the immortal words of a small sissy boy on a crutch, may God bless us, everyone.