The Goblin Defense Fund

We’d like to thank the folks at The Straight Dope for recognizing the importance of our mission. We expect that the Weird Earl link put up today will raise awareness of our cause to hundreds (if not thousands) of thoughtful, good-hearted Dopers – and what better allies could there be?

On that note, there can’t possibly be a better place to ask advice than these fora -can anyone recommend a high-end confectionary/bakery that does custom orders (preferably in the Seattle area)? We at the GDF plan to start our bribes with some tasty goblin-shaped sweets. (If those don’t work, we’ll move onto booze, drugs, and hookers, but we figured we’d start with sweets.)

We at the Goblin Defense Fund thank you in advance for your support, and urge you to sign the petition . . . several times ;).

Hey, don’t get me wrong here – some of my best friends are goblins – but a great many of them have just never been properly socialized to live in a modern city. Look, we took in the Hobbits, and what did we get? Farmers, bakers, brewers, good neighbors and occasionally assassins. We took in the goblins, and look what we got: drunken brawlers, sober brawlers, malodorous scamps underfoot in our thoroughfares whose stink is only rivaled by their cooking. Sure, they do a good job maintaining the municipal dump, and we value their labor in many menial tasks as it frees humans and demi-humans for higher pursuits. Theirs is a vibrant community, and we could all learn wisdom from their shamen. But would you leave your sister alone with one?

I am disgusted by this pro-goblin sentiment. Since Seattle passed its Goblin’s Rights laws kidnapping infants and replacing them with wicked dopplegangers has increased nearly 70% in the area. We need to send those goblins back where they came from and build an iron fence to keep them there.

Next on Jerry Springer: Goblin Porn: Bad or Just Wrong?

Along the same lines is Goblins the Comic:

The goblins (at least the ones in this tribe) are the good guys. They even get PC levels and one of them takes Paladin. The Paladin later indirectly saves the world from being conquered by the most powerful and evil demon ever.

Ah, goblins.

In the campaign I was running, my PCs ran into a group of rather innocuous goblins. My “good” PCs proceeded to exterminate them en masse while they slept, and enslaved one of them to be their trap-setter-offer. He had to walk in front of the party with a torch. They called him Torch-boy so much that he (and I) forgot his name.

In the end, the goblin became a somewhat valued member of the party. They would give him small sums of money for his services, with which he would do wicked and disgusting things that are best unrepeated.

Yeah, those “good” PCs ended up with a very different alignment in my book than on their character sheet.

Good times.

I ran a game once in which the party ran into a band of goblin minstrels. The party immediately hired them to follow them around providing theme and incidental music.

I was in a game several years ago where goblins were a slave race. I was playing my character as opposed to slavery (I’m not THAT good of a role-player to overcome this), but as a challenge, my character had somewhat racist attitudes towards goblins, along the lines of “slavery is bad… unless it’s goblins.”

Anyway, one evening we were in a city, and a fire broke out: The goblins were revolting! To which I said, “That’s not news!”

But, what about the Hobgoblins! Won’t somebody please think of the HOBGOBLINS?

If they can make drow, who worship huge-ass evil spider’s, for Gygax’s sake!, into good guys, they should be able to do the same with goblins.

I mean, look at the Drow history. It’s considerably more evil than most other races, but since they are akin to the daisy-munchers, apparently there are allowed to be “good” in certain cases.

All the demi-human and humanoid races have the potential to be good. They need only adopt human values. Preferably the values of the lightest-skinned humans they can find. Except albinos. Those guys are e-v-i-l.

Sir Vorpal Kickasso is such a great character name :smiley:

GURPS Goblins should also get a mention

I’ll have to check if it’s in my Monster Manual or The Complete Book Of Humanoids, but one makes note that Goblins have no notion of privacy. I always wanted to play a goblin and make much of this- walking in on other characters during private moments and not caring, doing private things in public and not caring.

RE Child Snatching

TSR Goblins have never been childsnatchers or particularly vulnerable to iron.

The only one I can think of is the Erotic Bakery in Wallingford. They do custom orders (or used to) and I imagine they’d be willing to step out of the erotic zone to make goblin-esque treats.