Let me put it to you bluntly.
Texting you, etc,in the past has lead to sex.
In addition, in you he has a free therapist that is telling him what he wants to hear.
He can use you as an outlet for emotional needs. It’s win-win for him.
I agree–we both are fucked up. But, I don’t get off on the drama. I can guarantee you that. So I should just block him, not respond to messages, and have him figure it out?
I see where you’re coming from with his possible reasons to text… but sex isn’t in the future.
With the ‘boundaries’ as he so says, he won’t emotionally drain his issues on me.
With the above being said, whats the reason to have contact?
To me, keeping this as a friendship is not feasible. Too many emotions on my end. You would think it would be easier to block and end this, and move on. I have to just let go, start fresh, and allow him to take care of his issues.
A fallback, another option, something that keeps him from having to suck it up and make a real effort. Though I suspect he could find someone else to fill that role, too, when push comes to shove. Whatever happens, you need to cut him off, IMO. You can do it kindly (at the risk of giving him more hope that if he texts you more, you’ll give in and text him again) by just saying straight out that you are giving him space to get his life in order, and that if he gets a finalized divorce maybe there can be something.
Thanks… I know the answer, and you would think it would be easy to just dump the turd. I need to grow my own pair and do just that.
The thing is- I don’t stroke his ego (or anything in that matter), unless me just answering does that. I keep the texts completely platonic. We chit chat about sports, running, and work. There is no exchange of emotions. I don’t see how topics like that can lead to sex.
Ferrett- I would think the role would be easy to fill too. Unless he uses to his advantage knowing how I feel for him. Easier to lure me back in than to go out and try to find new.
I just need to end it and have him work on his issues with his family.
Doing it kindly as you suggested can potentially backfire. I told him last year he needs to focus on his marriage when I ended it. I didn’t hear from him for 3 months. I thought then he wouldn’t contact me as I was giving him a clean break.
Responding is stroking his ego.
So fine, be friends with an asshole that you still have feelings for. By all your responses, it’s what you want to hear. So go ahead, be friends. Surely nothing bad can happen.
I acknowledged I can’t just ‘be friends’ with him.
I need to cut him off
So do I just cut him off and quit responding, or do I tell him-- hey I can’t do this…you need to focus on your issues, and I need to move on.
It doesn’t matter as long as you move on.
Yes, you should just block him and move along. If his marriage pulls itself together, great, if not, fine. But it should follow it’s course without you.
I expect and hope you will both find all the happiness you deserve.
Regards,
Shodan
Shouldn’t it be “…Love affair triangle” (Or actually just: love affair.)
That thread title makes my head meat hurt.
Tell him to contact you when he is single again and you will pursue a relationship if you are also single. Tell him you won’t speak or text with him until then.
You obviously want to be with him. He needs to make up his mind.
You don’t owe him anything including an explanation.
Quit responding with or without telling him. If you have to tell him, don’t go into any reasons that he can argue with, just text him this sentence “Do not text me any more, I will not respond”.
If he continues to text you with no response from either change your phone number or tell him that he must stop or you will tell his wife. If you are not able to stop responding to him get a new phone number.
You will feel better sooner than you think, at this point he’s just a bad habit that you’re tired of.
Be strong. Be someone you can respect.
most people can not handle more than one relationship at a time.
both you and him seem to be that way.
stop messing yourself and him up.
tell him that you are done with it and not to contact you.
Not rough enough in my opinion.
His marriage is going to fall apart with or without you in the picture. I’m sorry, but if it wasn’t you, it would be someone else. Forget about his family. The whole drama there is a red herring. The stuff about the wife’s brother? There is no way you can affect the situation, if it’s even true, and there are other people a lot closer who can look out for the kids. Your job is to walk away.
Your man isn’t going to change.
You need to figure out why this worked for you for so long, and how you can change so you don’t need that.
Step one: Tell him, “I’m sorry, but it’s over.” Steel yourself to ignore his response: any explanation or excuse you give just opens that door again, and you want it closed. Trust me, you really do. Just repeat “I’m sorry, but it’s over” until his gets the message. THEN stop responding to texts, calls, emails, letters, whatever.
Vent here about how hard it is, if you want. Some of us will be mean, others sympatheric, but we’ll listen.
As long as you willingly give him all the power in this scenario, you will never be in control of your own life, and you will be feeding the drama yourself. “uses to his advantage,” “lure[s] you back,” being nice “backfired” (because you somehow became a sucker again?).
Look, until you take responsibility for your choosing to go back to him, you’re never not going to get out of this crappy, fulfilling (in some ways) relationship.
It doesn’t matter what he says, or what “advantage” he has. You are encouraging his behavior by responding positively, and he is continuing his behavior in return.
Either you have to break contact, or continue on exactly as things are until someone somewhere in this scenario blows up in an ugly way.
I can’t imagine why not. All of this sounds extremely typical of an affair. How old are you?
Talk about lack of self introspection. Maybe when you fucked him?
I appreciate all around the advice.
Re. the comment about this being typical in an affair-- I’m 28. It started when I was 26 and he was 31. He’s been married now for 9 years.
It took two to tango during this ordeal, and I am in the wrong just as much as he is. Now I need to do what I need to make myself happy.
I agree with the posters-- he doesn’t need an explanation for my reasoning of wanting to end this. I’m tired of the cycle, and if I tell him that, he might try and tell me sweet nothings to keep me. Or, he may be okay to say ‘bye’ as he’s in a not so good place right now. Thus, he’s in a good position to drop me. I’ve asked him questions about his family situation, and he’s beat around the bush. I can do the same with this.
Dr. Drake- the thing with his brother in law is true. I think this will lead to a bigger strain on their marriage. The brother-in-law told married man directly over the phone. Married man in turn is starting to tell family and friends who have kids that his brother-in-law was around as to what he was told. That is how I found out as my sister’s kids were around his brother-in-law at one point. We don’t think anything happened with my sister’s kids at least, but its being told. I know I’ll be venting throughout the end of this.
I need to take the power back for my own sake. He’s called the shots the entire time. I know I portrayed myself as the ‘victim’, but its nobody’s fault but my own for this mess as I allowed it to continue thinking something would change. Instead, it got worse with him flip-flopping and floating in and out. I acknowledge that.
Eonwe- if anyone blows up, it’ll be me. His wife isn’t stupid, and she’s trying to keep the family together. I’d be shocked if he blows up at me. So if anyone loses their shit, its me. I’m getting very close to doing so.
Yes, Shodan-- I hope I do find the happiness I deserve.