The greatest joke ever told.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Little Timmy was walking to school one day in New York City. All of a sudden, a homeless guy ran out of an alley, grabbed him, shook him, gasped “purple box!” and collapsed. He was dead. Timmy was a little shaken up, but he continued on to school, where he arrived a few minutes late. He saw his friend in the hallway, and his friend asked him “Hey Timmy, how come you’re late?” “Well,” said Timmy, “I was walking to school when this homeless guy runs out of an alley, grabs me, shakes me, says two words to me, and dies.”

“What were the two words?” asked his friend. “Purple box,” replied Timmy.

His friend ran away screaming. That was strange, thought Timmy.

When he finally arrived to class, Timmy’s teacher also asked him why he was late. “Well, I was walking to school and this homeless guy ran out of an alley, grabbed me, shook me, said two words to me and died. Then I told my friend about it and he ran away screaming.”

“What were the two words?”

“Purple box.”

“What?!” shouted the teacher. “Go to the principal’s office! Now!”

Now Timmy was really confused. He had always been very well behaved, and the principal was surprised to see him in his office. “What are you doing here?” he asked. Timmy repeated his story. “I was walking to school when a homeless guy grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to you.” “What were the two words?” Now, Timmy was understandably a little hesitant at this point. “I don’t know if I should tell you…” he said to the principal. “Well,” replied the principal, “I’ll make you a deal. If you tell me, I promise not to give you detention.”

This sounded good to Timmy. “Purple box,” he said.

The principal’s face went red, and he said to Timmy, “That’s it! You’re expelled! Pack your things up and go home.” Timmy did as he was told.

When he got home, his mother asked him why he was home so early. He told her. “I was going to school when a homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told the teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me.”

“Oh my!” said his mother. “What were the two words?”

Well, Timmy figured he could trust his mother, so he told her.
“Purple box.”

She gasped, and then yelled “Go to your room and wait for your father to come home!” He went.

A few hours later, Timmy’s father came into the room and said “Son, your mother’s all worked up about something. What happened?” “I was walking to school when a homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told Mom and she sent me to my room.”

“Well, what were the two words?”

“Uh…” said Timmy.

“Look son,” said his dad, “I’m your father. What’s the worst I can do to you?”

“Well…OK. Purple box.”

His father’s eyes bulged from their sockets. “Get out of my house,” he said. Timmy didn’t wait to be told twice.

Fortunately, his family was fairly well off, and Timmy himself had quite a bit of money in the bank, at least enough for an airplane ticket to Europe, where he could stay with his relatives. He caught a cab to the airport. The cabbie tried to strike up a conversation. “So what’s your story, kid?”

“Huh?”

“How come you’re goin’ to the airport, is what I’m askin’,” clarified
the cabbie.

“It’s kind of a long story.”

“We got time.”

“Well, I was on my way to school this morning when some homeless guy runs out of an alley grabs me shakes me says two words to me and dies. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told my mom and she sent me to my room. I told my dad and he disowned me. Now I’m going to stay with my relatives in Europe.”

“That’s rough,” said the cabbie. “What were the two words?”

“Well, I’m not sure I–”

“Listen, kid, I’m a cabbie. I’ve heard everything. Just tell me. What am I gonna do?”

Timmy sighed. “Purple box.”

(predictable) screech “All right, get out of my cab. Go!”

Timmy walked to the airport.

The plane he took was a small one, with only a few passengers. He was even able to go up to the cockpit and chat with the pilot when he got bored.

“So,” said the pilot, “if you don’t mind my asking, what brings you to Europe?”

Well, Timmy figured that he had a long flight ahead of him and the pilot would get it out of him eventually, so he got it over with. “I was walking to school, and this homeless guy ran out of an alley grabbed me shook me said two words to me and died. I told my friend and he ran away screaming. I told my teacher and she sent me to the principal’s office. I told the principal and he expelled me. I told my mom and she sent me to my room. I told my dad and he disowned me. I told a cabbie and he kicked me out of his cab. Now I’m going to stay with my relatives in Europe.”

So, of course, the pilot asked him, “What were the two words?”

Timmy said nothing.

“Come on, you can tell me. There’s not much I can do to you up here, you know.”

Timmy reflected on that, and decided the pilot was right, so once
again he repeated the words. “Purple box.”

“There are parachutes in the back,” growled the pilot. “When I turn around, I don’t want to see you.”

Timmy put on a parachute and jumped.

As luck would have it, Timmy landed on a very small, nearly uninhabited island in the middle of the Atlantic. It had a hermit living on it.

“Hey, what are you doing on my island?” asked the hermit. Timmy took a deep breath.

" IwaswalkingtoschoolwhenahomelessguysranoutofanalleygrabbedmeshookmesaidtwowordstomeanddiedItoldmyfriendandheranawayscreamingItoldmyteacherandshesentmetotheprincipalsofficeItoldtheprincipalandheexpelledmeItoldmymomandshesentmetomyroomItoldmydadandhedisownedmeItoldacabbieandhekickedmeoutofhiscabItoldthepilotandhekickedmeoutofhisplaneandnowImhere."

“That’s quite a story,” said the hermit. “What were the two words?”

Timmy looked at the hermit, and figured he could probably overpower him. “Purple box.”

The hermit looked at him for a while. Finally, he said, “You don’t know what ‘purple box’ means, do you?”

“No,” said Timmy, surprised.

The hermit gave this some consideration. “All right,” he said, “listen closely. Here’s what I want you to do. Take my raft, and go back to New York. Then go to the top of the Empire State Building and look north. There will be your answer.”

So Timmy took the raft and paddled until he finally reached New York again. He ran to the Empire State Building and ran up the stairs all the way to the top. He looked north, and he saw a huge billboard with the words “purple box” and an arrow, pointing to a building across the street. He ran down the stairs all the way to the bottom, and as he was crossing the street, a truck ran into him and killed him.

The moral of the story?

Always look both ways before crossing the street.

82

chique-- Same as my Purple flower story, but… with a flower instead.

83

Oh, do tell!

84

There’s a company in the UK called the Laugh Lab that did a huge online survey- the biggest survey of it’s kind ever, app.- to find the ‘funniest joke.’ Check out the book link and web site. The funniest joke ever according to this survey is:

*Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson,” he said, “look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Sleepily, Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered this a moment. “Astronomically,” he said, “it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.”

Taking Holmes’s silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, “Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. “So, Holmes, what does it tell you?”

Holmes shook his head in disgust. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!.”*

I couldn’t find the longer version. :smiley:

If you ask me, the funniest joke ever told is the last 2,000 years of YHWH-centered religiously-screwed up the arse horrible history, and how, even now that the Enlightenment seems to be winning, religion will never die. Ever. This story can be summed up in The Story of Bob. I think it’s the funniest freakin’ thing I’ve ever heard!!! :smiley: :smack:

I thought the story was okay- but can I offer what I thought would be two funnier punchlines?

[list=a]
[li]At the very end, the car crashes, the man realizes he is lying on the same dune he first crawled his final crawl onto. He hallucinated the whole damn thing! The moral of the story: never, ever, drink windshield wiper fluid.[/li][li]Right before the climax, the author realizes ‘Hey, I forgot the punchline!’[/li][/list]

85

Actually, Uncommon Sense, instead of going with the same joke as chique, but with a different character and somewhat different events, I have decided to impart with you the story of The Pink House.

Once there was a woman. This woman lived in a [COLOR=Pink]Pink House. She loved pink. She had [COLOR=Pink]pink [/COLOR] furniature, pink sheets, a pink table, pink silverware, pink refrigerator and cabinets, tv and phone, The Works. Everything this woman had was PINK!

One morning, she awoke from her pink bed, put on her pink slippers, and went down the [COLOR=Pink]pink [/COLOR] stairs, through the [COLOR=Pink]pink [/COLOR] hall, and into the pink kitchen. While eating from a pink bowl (next to which there were some pink napkins), she heard a knock at the pink door.

She arose from the pink chair, and went down the pink hallway, walking on the pink rug, and opened the pink door.

There stood a biker. He said, “Excuse me ma’am, but my bike broke down, so if i could use your phone to call a mechanic, I would be really grateful.”

She says, “OK, come on in.” He follows her through the pink living room, down the pink hall, and into the pink kitchen. She hands him the pink telephone and then sits down to drink from her pink coffee cup. When he finishes his call, he says, " My mechanic says he can’t even look at it until tomorrow, and I am new here, so…"

The woman says, " No problem, you can stay here until your bike is fixed. She leads him up the pink stairs into the first room on the left (which just happens to be pink) and gets a pink pillow out of the pink closet. “here is your bed” she says. The biker says thanks and then the woman invites him downstairs to watch a program on the Pink tv.

While sitting on the pink couch with her feet on the pink coffee table, they hear another knock on the big pink door.

She opens the pink door and there is another biker standing on the pink doormat. He says," My bike just broke down. Can I use your phone?" She says sure and leads him through the pink livingroom, down the pink hall, and into the pink kitchen. She hands him the pink phone, and he makes his call. He then tells her, “My mechanic is out of town until tomorrow…”. “No problem” she says. “You can stay here.”

She leads him down the pink hall, up the pink stairs (holding on to the pink bannister, of course) and into the second room on the left. It was, you guessed it, pink. He gets situated, and goes into the pink bathroom to use the pink toilet. When he is done, he washes his hands in the pink sink while using pink soap. He dries his hands with a pink towel and joins the other biker in the pink livingroom for some TV.

While sitting in a pink chair with her feet on a pink ottoman, she hears yet another knock on the pink door. On her pink doorstep, there was a biker. He gave the same story to the lady in pink, and she led him through the pink living room, down the pink hall, and into the pink kitchen to use the pink phone.

He tells her that his mechanic is sick, and can’t work on his bike today. She says," Ok, you can stay here tonight. (you see, this is a pretty big pink house.) She leads him up the pink stairs, and into the second room on the right. (also pink). He thanks her and joins the other two in the pink living room for some tv. After an afternoon of TV watching, the bikers decide to retire to their respective pink rooms.

They each go up the pink stairs, into their pink bedroom, and go to sleep in their pink beds.

The morning comes and the first biker wakes up and goes downstairs. The lady is in th pink kitchen, at the pink stovetop with a pink spatula and a pink pan. She says, “Good Morning. I am cooking some breakfast, but you can have Froot Loops if you want.” He says, " Thanks. I’ll take the cereal." He grabs a pink bowl out of the pink cabinet, gets him some cereal and a pink spoon, and some milk, and sits down at the pink table.

The second biker moseys down the pink stairs, into the pink kitchen, and the woman says," I am fixin some breakfast, but there are Froot Loops if you would like those." He says," Thanks, I guess i will have the Froot Loops. He grabs a pink bowl, sits down at the pink table, and starts eating his cereal (with a pink spoon, of course).

The third biker comes down the pink stairs, and into the pink kitchen. The woman says, “I am making breakfast, but there are some Froot Loops if you would like to have some of those.” He says, “Whatever you are cooking smells great, so I will have some of that”.

They each eat breakfast, put their pink bowls/plates into the pink kitchen, and use the pink phone to call a cab to get to the mechanics garage.

A cab comes, and each biker thanks the lady who let them stay in her pink house.

Now we know that two out of every three bikers prefer Froot Loops over a hot breakfast.[/COLOR]

p.s. I made all the pinks pink in colors, and then saw that they were barely readable, so i started from the bottom up undoing them, but i said screw it.

86

What year did Jack meet Nate? Does anyone else think it’s interesting that 2002 would’ve been the 167th birthday of Mark Twain (aka Samuel Clemens)?

…

Nah, didn’t think so.

Anyway, here’s another to torture your friends with (summed up to relieve eyestrain):

Little Billy was about to have his 5th birthday. His father asks Billy what he wants, and all Billy asks for is a ping pong ball. The father tries to offer other present ideas: a puppy, a bicycle, etc, but Billy insists that all he wants is a ping pong ball.

Well, the big day arrives, the father presents Billy with a ping pong ball, and Billy is ecstatic. He plays with the ball all day, and places it promininently in his room. You’ve never seen such a happy little boy.

The next year, the father asks Billy what he’d like for his 6th birthday. Billy thinks for a bit, then says that all he wants is five ping pong balls. Again, the father is confused and suggests other options, but all Billy wants is five ping pong balls.

Again, Billy gets his ping pong balls, and is as happy as can be.

{repeat as often as desired for increasing age and number of ping pong balls. Feel free to throw in details like buying another house to store them, making local news as the “Ping Pong Ball Boy”, etc. Billy never reveals why he wants the ping pong balls}

For Billy’s 25th birthday, he asks his father for one million ping pong balls. This is obviously going to be a tough acquisition, but the father loves his son, and makes the necessary arrangements.

The night of party arrives, and a grand gathering is going on in the penthouse suite of a five star hotel. Billy is greatly looking forward to getting his ping pong balls. But they are nowhere to be found. The father makes frantic phone calls to the ping pong ball company, only to hear that the semi carrying them had gotten into a horrific accident, and a new order of ping pong balls could not be delivered for several days. Billy is crushed, as ping pong balls on his birthday has been a touchstone of his life growing up. He becomes so depressed that he goes out onto the balcony, and throws himself out, falling twenty stories to the ground below.

Miraculously, Billy survives the fall, but is obviously in extremely bad shape. His father, devastated at the sight of his broken son, is sitting by the side of Billy’s bed in the Intensive Care Unit.

“Son,” says the father, “I have to find out. For all these years you’ve always wanted ping pong balls for your birthday. The doctors say you don’t have much time, and I must know: why did you always ask for ping pong balls?”

Billy gathers his energy, and wheezes “Well, Dad, you see…”

And dies.
:smack:

For extra fun, follow this (either immediately or later on) with the “Purple Box” joke, and tweak the moral to be “look both ways before crossing the street, or you might get hit by a truck carrying one million ping pong balls!” Just make sure you can out-fight or out-run the people around you. :smiley:

87

I think you should know I told this to great effect tonight. I took, oh, maybe 15 minutes to tell it. One guy looked at me like he wanted to kill me, a second guy squalked “You mean that’s IT???” and then started to laugh, and the first guy’s girlfriend (I swear this was funnier then the joke) started trying to explain the joke to him! HA!