(For me it has to be the following. I will try to tell it right.)
So this guy wants to join this Irish fraternity. And the head of the fraternity says, to join us, you have to do three things. Drink a fifth of Irish whiskey in one gulp, stab a grizzly bear and rape an Eskimo woman. So he chugs the whiskey, and staggers off into the forest for the second thing. So hours pass by. Then days, and finally weeks. And the fraternity members grow concerned. What happened to the guy? Is he okay? Then suddenly he appears from the forest out of nowhere. His clothes are ripped, he’s covered in mud. He looks like a wreck. And the fraternity members ask him. “What on earth happened to you?” The guys responds, “Never mind me. Now where’s that Eskimo woman you want me to stab.”
*ROTFLMAO! Well, that’s the best one I know. BTW, true story, when I told that one above to my parents about 30 years ago, I even got a chuckle out of my father. You see, my father was very religious and very moral. So it was rare for him to laugh at dirty jokes. But even he couldn’t resist for this one.
I can’t do my favorite one here because it’s waaaaaay too long and it really needs to be heard rather than read. And my husband need to tell it - I can’t do it justice. But trust me, it’s hilarious!!
No it’s not “The Aristocrats” - more of a shaggy dog tale.
This is the funniest joke I ever personally made up:
Three Wise Men were invited to pay tribute to King Herod. On the way, they stopped to rest in a stable, only to find it was occupied by a couple who had just had a screaming, poopy baby. They continued on their way to the palace and their audience with the king.
“What have you brought me for tribute?” asked Herod.
“A bottle of the finest scotch” said Johnnie Walker, the first wise man.
“Why, that is better than gold” said Herod. “And you?” he asked the second wise man.
“A bottle of the finest whisky,” said Jack Daniels, the second wise man.
“Why, that arouses my franken senses” said Herod. “And you?” he asked the thir wise man.
“A bottle of the finest bourbon,” said Jim Beam, the third wise man.
“I love that myrrh and myrrh” said Herod.
However, when Herod opened the bottles ,all that was in them was some cheap, rotgut red wine. When he threatened to kill the wise men, they said “We stopped at a stable with a couple and a newborn child. They must have switched the bottles.”
“Yeah, right” said Herod. “Or maybe the newborn boy turned all the great booze into cheap wine.” And he killed Jack, Johnny, and Jim. And, for good measure, all the newborns in the kingdom.
A young Indian brave goes to his Chief to ask for advice. “Chief?” he asked. “How do you choose the names you give us?”
The old man responds, “You see your friend there? I named him Soaring Eagle after the first thing that I saw when he was born. That goes for everyone I name.
But you of all the braves should know this, Two Dogs Fucking.”
A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office and says ‘Doc, you gotta help me. My wife is having an affair with my best friend, my kids hate me, and I lost my job to an offshore contractor.’ The podiatrist says, ‘I’m a foot doctor, sounds like you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?’ The moth replied, ‘Your light was on.’
A recently married and devout young couple decide to give up lovemaking for Lent. To avoid temptation they decide that the husband will sleep in the guestroom and the wife will keep the bedroom door locked. They are able to successfully maintain their abstinence through the six long weeks of Lent.
Come Easter Sunday morning, there is a loud banging on the bedroom door. “I bet I know why you’re hammering on the door” the wife calls out. The husband answers “Yeah, but I bet you don’t know what I’m hammering with!”
An 75-year-old man complained to his doctor about problems in the bedroom. The doctor, after hearing the specifics and giving him a check-up, prescribed him Viagra with specific instructions about the possible side-effects, and to be careful. They scheduled a follow-up visit for two weeks.
Two weeks later, the old man returned to the doctor’s office, looking despondent. The doctor asked if he had had any trouble getting the prescription. “Oh, no, that went fine.”
“So?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I tried and tried. I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. Doc, then we even called the lady next door and she tried too, first with her hands, then with both hands at once, then with her mouth, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, but Doc, it just wouldn’t work. None of us could get that little bottle open.”
(Possibly so funny because I heard it from my mother.)
This comes in a lot of varieties, but this one is representative of the group:
One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2. His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.
“Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.”
The teacher said, “I’m sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft.”
The Ace said, “certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Messerschmidts.”
An elderly couple is sitting at home watching television. The old man gets up and announces “I’m gonna go fix myself some ice cream. Do you want any?”
The old lady says “Sure!” So the old man heads off to the kitchen. After puttering around for a few minutes, the old man sticks his head around the doorway and asks, “Do you want any chocolate syrup on your ice cream?”
The old lady says “That sounds good.” Off he goes, puttering around some more, then he’s back. “Would you like some whipped cream?”
“Whipped cream would be fine,” she says, and off he goes again. A few minutes later, “Do you want a cherry on top?”
“That would be great!” says the old lady. The old guy disappears back into the kitchen, and about fifteen minutes later comes walking out with two plates piled high with scrambled eggs, bacon, and hash browns.
He hands one of the plates to the old lady, who looks at it dubiously, then looks up at him and says “Where the hell’s my toast?”
So this ugly guy walks into a bar. Bartender thinks, “This is the ugliest motherfucker I have ever seen”. The ugly guy walks up, looks around, and put’s a 100 dollar bill on the bar.
“Hey, barkeep.” says the ugly guy. "See that couple over there? The hot blond sitting in the booth with that guy? Well, this hundred dollars says I’ll walk over there, and she’ll leave with me. "
Bartender raises his eyebrows and the ugly slaps another hundred dollar bill on the bar. Ugly guy says, “Tell you what, she’ll even grab my ass on the way out”
So the bartender thinks there is no way this dude is going to pull it off. He puts the matching two hundred down and the guy walks over to the couple. Sure enough the woman gets up, and then walks out with the ugly guy - but not before she grabbed his ass and he takes the four hundred dollars off the bar.
Now, the bartender knows something is up here, so he walks over to the guy still sitting in the booth and says “Dude, what just happened? What did that guy say?”
The guy in the booth just looks off in the distance a bit. Shocked expression on his face. And says:
“He didn’t say nothing. He just stood there… licking his eyebrows”
This one reminds me of a hilarious joke Redd Foxx used to tell, involving Lady Bird Johnson and Carl Rowan (a black reporter, back in the day). I’m not going to try to tell it, maybe it’s online somewhere.
Now, now, those jokes have been banned by the Geneva Conventions. I think they should be redacted by the moderators before anything unfortunate happens.
