I have so many friends going through divorces right now, and I will say one thing, your choice in your partner says a lot about how things are going to go, whether the relationship lasts forever or not. You chose well, and even though things are coming to an end, it would have been so much worse if you had chosen someone different. I’ve seen dramatic differences in outcome and generally if people make a good ‘‘team’’ in marriage they also make a pretty good ‘‘team’’ in divorce.
I have a couple of guy friends who like him, are childless.
The advice I would give him is to be an awesome uncle. He didnt say if he had nieces or nephews but guys like him can be great. So if you can, please try and be a part of their lives.
If that isnt possible maybe try working with a local youth organization like the Boy Scouts. Maybe just help with neighbors kids. You can still be an adopted “Uncle” to them.
From early adulthood I thought I could have a good life whether I had kids or not. My life would be very different depending on which path I went down, but both can be awesome.
Sure, I missed some good things by not having kids. I also get to miss some bad things, like burying a child (happened to both my parents and one of my sisters) and watching a smart, athletic, responsible child become permanently mentally disabled (happened to the same sister who lost a child).
On the other hand, because I don’t have kids at home I was able to help both my dying in-laws and my dying parents more readily and in ways my family members who were parents could not, and that was a good thing for everyone involved. Because I don’t have kids I do sometimes wind up covering for parents needing to leave early or not come into work - you should thank people like me for that, it’s a real kick in the teeth when one of those folks I cover for natters on about how the childless are so “irresponsible” or “stunted” or whatever.
Basically, there’s more than one way to be an adult and contribute to society. In fact, having different people contribute in different ways is sort of essential to modern society.
We all have dreams that we think would be “sweet”. Because they are dreams. In reality, usually the sweetness comes with a lot of bitterness. Whenever I start having regrets about the paths I’ve gone down, I try to remember this fact. And this is what I would tell anyone who has regrets like the guy’s in the OP.
There are a ton of the wonderful experiences that I will have never have. But I don’t feel butthurt about this since I’m able to enjoy the experiences that I do have. I also have the ability to find meaning in those experiences and use them to become a better person. A while ago, probably back when I was a teenager, I figured out that I don’t have to have what everyone else has to be the kind of person I want to be.
I’m totally fine granting good parents a certain amount of respect above what I give everyone else. But giving someone respect does not require putting myself down or believing my life is inferior. A parent–even a good parent–is not necessarily a better person than me. They just have a different skillset than what I have.
Like, I know that my boss is better than me at focusing on the bottom line and dealing with people. I defer to her expertise in these areas. But if everyone was a manager, my workplace would be an absolute mess. So we need all types–not just folks who want to be boss (or have someone call them “Dad”). I guess it’s sad that the dude in the OP has regrets, but I don’t think his disappointments are any more tragic or special than the trillions of other disappointments that people manage to cope with throughout their lifetimes.
I’ll second that you chose wisely and this is why you separated amicably. And there does seem to be a lot of variability on how kids turn out. I’ve seen the best of families turn out a number of very stable children and one kid dedicated to self destruction. You are lucky.
I don’t think having or not having kids makes one inherently better or worse. And who cares about some nebulous “what’s best for society”? You have to do what’s best for you.
The fact is, there are some days I love being married with a children. Then there are others…well…I wouldn’t want them to get run over by a bus…but if they suddenly wanted to get on one and not tell me where they were going, I might be ok with that.
OTOH, I still occasionally see single people in their 40s or older who get to focus all their attention on their career, their interests and hobbies and what they want to do. Heck, I even get to experience that when I travel for work and get to eat a nice dinner without a toddler taking a glass off the table and smashing it. But I imagine that can get lonely if you are by yourself for weeks and months at a time. Particularly as you get older and people tend to marry off.
It can be lonely, sure. But for me, it’s not so much loneliness that I deal with as much as a frequent feeling that I am an invisible nobody compared to everyone else. I don’t have the kind of stories that others have, and those stories are all hear now that I’m middle-aged. I find myself in the role of the interviewer all the time just because it’s a socially appropriate way for me hide my alienation. It can be tiring sometimes…always asking questions and knowing the favor won’t be returned because of the presumption I don’t have anything as worthy of being discussed.
It sucks to feel this way sometimes. But I know it wouldn’t be wise to let this feeling convince me that I’m doing something wrong or that there’s something wrong with me. Yes, peer pressure is incredibly powerful and I’m affected by it in some ways. But there are a lot of ways for me to mitigate the “invisible nobody” feeling that doesn’t involve me being someone’s mother. If a person can’t relate to me unless I have a baby on my hip, I can’t help but feel that’s really more of their problem than mine.
Agreed. And I have sympathy for such people and am happy that they have more options these days than ever before to become parents, although for some that is still not enough.
On the flip side, there are some people for whom having children would be the opposite, and such people should not be pressured to have children nor thought less of for not having children.
In other words, different people are different and should be treated as individuals according their their needs.
As the parent of a child who will be off to college in a week’s time, let me just say that I enjoyed the experience. Someone once told me that the days are long, but the years go by fast. And, hey, they do.
The last time we had a parenting thread, I got absolutely blasted for saying that in the parent/child relationship the child comes first. I honestly don’t believe that the dope on the aggregate has a typical relationship with kids. If you took a comprehensive poll of all of the members, you’d probably find that the childless are over-represented compared to the general population.
One little bit of anecdatum: I’m a parent, and I believe a side benefit is that it changed me for the better.
That does suck! If you and I were buds in the meatworld, I would make sure to know your interests and ask about them in conversation. Nothing bugs me more than when people want to talk about only either 1) my kids, or 2) their kids.
There’s room in polite conversation for things other than the babies! After catching up a bit on our kids, lets talk about the latest dumb thing the Toronto Maple Leafs have done, or how my motorcycle is running, or how your work is going! monstro, I remember you told me you were going to do XYZ the last time we talked, how did that go?
I don’t understand. The article is literally just the author saying he feels the way he does. You agree that he is telling the truth about how he feels. But you also think it’s a load of crap. If you take him at his word, which part is crap?
That is true for you, but not everyone on earth has identical feelings for their offspring. Plenty of parents won’t give up their next hit of meth for their kids.
As long as there are people advocating child bearing over common sense, people like me are needed to counter the pro-natalists propaganda. Abuse has existed for so long in human history because no one wanted to admit that “typical” parents might abuse their children. It was “hostile negativity” to dare mention that some people aren’t suited for raising children and that encouraging them to do so is wrong.
The author of the article is focusing on wanting kids, but he seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy over his general situation in life. It sounds like he’s still grieving a past relationship that didn’t work out and hasn’t completely moved on.
