This breeder's lament

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t have the literary strength to make a pit thread about this, but it’s bugging me, nonetheless.

I’m a parent. I have kids. I have daycare, a clothing budget, playdates and birthday parties.

I also have a severely cramped budget as a result. (well, that and we’re down one income, but that’s temporary, and still doesn’t account for what I’m feeling.)

Now I fully understand the desire to NOT be burdened by rugrats. But.

When you whine to me that, gosh, your budgets strapped because you just bought $17,000 worth of airplane propellers…I’m not going to feel that sorry for you.

Another example is my kid’s godfather. He’s so damned busy in his single life, doing his day job, dealing with his 4 or 5 rentals, taking trips across the world, and hanging out with his girlfriend du jour, that he’s booking his calendar 5 months out. He cannot cannot cannot take a couple of hours off on a weekend to see the kids.

I asked you to be their godfather as I thought they could learn from you. You accepted that duty. Thanks a lot.

I no longer have the racing budget I once had. I cannot afford to fix the racecar if it’s broken being the weekend warrior…and yet, I don’t really miss it. I guess I’ve moved on to other things, but racing just doesn’t ‘do’ it for me much anymore. Friends toyed with shifterkarts…heck, a used one’s just $5k, and a season’s racing can be done for $1-$2k. But I guess I didn’t want to do so bad enough.

I’m struggling to find why I’m bent out of shape…as near as I can tell, it’s because the complaining about not having the time or money from these people just seems so…shallow. so selfish.

Believe me, I miss some of it. But whether it’s the years, the mileage, or they’re doing stuff I’m just not interested in anymore, I don’t have a lot of empathy for their plight.

Or, it could just be sour grapes. :smiley:

2

From Desiderata by Max Ehrmann:
“Do not compare yourself to others, for you will always find greater and lesser persons than yourself”

It sounds like you are making yourself miserable by looking at all the shiny stuff other people can afford, when your own budget is mostly eaten up by the kiddies. If you focus on what you can’t afford, until you reach Bill Gates status, there will always be people who can afford more than you.

Instead, try focusing on what you have, not what you want.

This morning, I got up early in order to outfit my 8YO for a day-trip to a local amusement park with some friends. I called her into my room to get her clothes and she hugged me and said “Thanks for getting up early, mommy. I know you like to sleep later. You’re the best mom ever”.

You can buy stuff like that!

3

It’s not the money, really. I’ve had more and less money than I have now. I’ve purchased and not purchased shiny stuff now and in the past…it’s the shallowness. And I don’t want to come across like a-holier-than-thou-soccermom-zealot, it’s just that kidless folk’s concerns seem so…empty. My feeling is ‘That’s it? THAT is what keeps you entertained when you’re not working?’

I guess someone could point that same finger at me and say: You’re not volunteering to make the world a better place, to end hunger? Boy you sure are concerned only with your family. How small minded.’

Speaking specifically to the godfather (which is what is really bugging me) is that he’s always been perpetually busy…he has to be doing more than everyone else around him…by double. But in doing so, it feels like he’s betrayed a trust, and his hectic lifestyle he bemoans is completely of his own making.

4

Well, that does clarify. :wink:
Perhaps you could try being smugly (but secretly) superior while smiling and nodding? (thinking to yourself: “Fool; do you really think this is important in the scheme of things?” :stuck_out_tongue: )

Just remember: everyone else has their insecurities, too.

5

Unintentionally Blank - But did you know he was busy and had that lifestyle when you named him godfather? Expecting him to change because you had a child was shortsighted.

Kidless. And I have to get home after work to let out the dogs and feed the horses. my family makes claims on my time, and I will indulge them when I feel like it, but I enjoy my time at home on the farm with the animals.

StG

6

I’ve got my bipolar father-in-law, Alzheimer’s-suffering mother-in-law, and a whole drama queen chorus of inlaws to deal with. (Fortunately, none of them in my home, and I intend on keeping it that way.) Your aforementioned no-kids friends may or may not have any of that in their lives - if they don’t, thank goodness rather than “wishing” bad things upon them inadvertently!

Other than charitable work (or one’s own work) I can’t think of any responsibility/activity similar to children that has benefits as well as tough responsibilities, so… you’re kind of inadvertently stacking the deck. Yes, nothing is similar to having a child. I’ve chosen to avoid it for many reasons.

I have to know - why’d you make him the godfather if he’s always been so busy? And did he know you expected him to actually do anything? My family doesn’t have any tradition of godparents so I wouldn’t have had a clue, and my husband’s family picks their other siblings for the Catholicism-based godparent tradition so it’s not like they never see their godchild and it doesn’t really come with anything other than the “this person will be sure you’re raised Catholic should something happen to the parents” expectation.

7

Well, to be fair…your lifestyle is completely of your own making as well. No one forced you to have children.

(I’m not trying to excuse the godfather, he accepted the responsibility of his own free will)

8

The man was always busy, but he was our best friend pre-kids…we’d see each other two or three days a month, easy. Then once a month…then once every couple of months, til now “I’m booked up til October”. I haven’t seen him in close to a year.

So he’s always been busy, but now it’s also as if we’ve lost a good family friend and the only reason he’s given is ‘he’s just too gosh darned busy’. I didn’t expect him to change, or not be busy…but heck, two hours a year wouldn’t break the bank. (Christ, I sound like a grandparent that doesn’t get visited enough!)

I’ve been the closest relative to sick family members, that’s certainly un-fun.

9

It seems so…empty…to you. My life seems wonderfully fulfilling to me, without kids. Many of us feel that procreation and child-rearing are not the end-all/be-all of existence. :wink: I wouldn’t trade places with you for the world, nor you with me, so it’s all good. I’m glad you’re a parent if it makes you so happy and fulfilled (and you’re a good one, which I assume you are.) And I’m even MORE glad that I’m not a parent. :cool:

10

Do you make time for him without the kids? Maybe he’d magically find more time on his calendar if it meant hanging out with his friend, not his friend +2.

11

Really? Where at? Ehh, I probably can’t afford it anyway.

:smiley:

12

To me, this:

doesn’t sound much different from this:

It seems to me that both of you are bitch-bragging and deserve equal amounts of sympathy: little or none. Hobbies are optional. So are kids. You choose to have them, you choose to invest the time and money needed to make them grow. Propellers are not automatically less interesting, less meaningful, or less worthy of these things than kids.

Granted, $17k is a lot to blow at once, but so is $50k/year for college. As long as you both aren’t living way beyond your means, neither of you is doing anything more admirable or foolish than the other.

Just as you look at your friend’s life and think how shallow and empty it is, he might look at yours and find it ordinary and requiring excessive personal sacrifice. Neither of you is so right or wrong that it means anything. You’re just living very different lives.

I agree. If you and the kids automatically became a package deal, it’s not surprising that the eternal bachelor your friend seems to be is suddenly not available for months on end to hang with The Family. It’s nothing against your kids; he probably just would rather hang out with his buddy rather than these kids’ dad.

13

Well, don’t get too used to the lifestyle there, Unintentionally Blank because no matter how all encompassing/engrossing your kids and your family life are to you NOW, kids do eventually grow up and then you’re going to have to remember how you managed to amuse yourself pre-rugrat, y’know? Unless you plan on having another child every three-four years for the next twenty years or so it’s pretty much a dead game certainty that someday you will find yourself at loose ends unless you keep in touch with who YOU are independent of your children.

Sure, there will be grandkids eventually but there’s no guarantee that they’ll come along in the time frame you prefer and anyway no matter how involved you are with them it’s not the same as raising kids yourself. (Thank all benevolent powers that this is so!)

Couldn’t your single friends just as easily say the exact same thing about you?

14

Yes. Yes, it is. My hobbies, my volunteer work, my friends, and my family all keep me entertained and fulfilled when I’m not working, and my career (which involves teaching the children of other people) keeps me fulfilled when I am working. Having biological children is not required in order to have a sense of fulfillment in life.

15

If it’s any consolation to you, at least you have a decent chance (not guaranteed, but at least a chance) that your kids will end up being more solace to you later on down the road than your pals’ possessions will be.
Working in healthcare, I’ve seen some sad situations when an elderly person who doesn’t have kids has outlived their spouse and most of their friends. There are many times at that stage in life when it’s good to have a loved one around to be an advocate for you. It’s nice if you have kids that like you enough to be by your side and look out for your interests at that point (although, as childfree folks are often quick to point out, not all kids actually do that for their parents).
I am hoping/planning to have kids myself, but if I was childfree, I’d try to make friends with some of my pals’ kids just in case. :slight_smile:

16

I agree with this except on the final sentence, where I’d say “having biological children is not required in order FOR ME to have a sense of fulfillment in life.” Obviously you, the OP, have mileage that varies. But for some of us, we don’t feel that need, so we don’t feel empty.

The sooner that both sides accept the other for the choices they make, the better off we’d all be. And no, I’m not saying I’m perfect in that regard myself.

17

SmartAleq’s comments have brought me up cold, compounded with AudreyK’s post. I guess what I’m looking at is not an ‘us vs. them’ kinda deal. It’s more like folks going through different phases differently. From where I’m standing (father of 5 year old boys) it’s damn near impossible to remember life before kids.

Further, that $17,000 for airplane parts sounds just about like what I pay a year in daycare.

I honestly hadn’t considered that the Godfather might not want to hang with the family, based on us being good friends pre-kids.

My Grandfather lived to 95. He wasn’t near me, but I was the closest family member. He outlived his wife by 27 years, and outlived nearly everybody else he’d ever known, so those statements kind of resonate too.

18

I’m being extra nice to my nephews! :slight_smile:

19

You know, he might not realize what being a godfather means to you. Was that laid out when you asked him? He may just think it a nice honorfic title. I didn’t realize the meaning of that at all until asked to be my nephew’s godparent, and the ceremony seemed par for course. I wasn’t raised with a traditional knowledge of that role, didn’t have 'em myself— not baptised. :eek: yep.

But, getting older, I understood that role more clearly, and try to be another guide for my nephew.

So, just tell the godfather what his role means to your family, and that you want his kids to benefit from his presence, that’s why you chose him. Have you told him why you chose him ?

20

I don’t have any particular job requirements for the godfather position, but I would like to SEE him once a year. I suppose I could mention this, but the reality is, it’d just be a guilt thing and not something I think would actually help things. I guess I’m okay with letting things drift apart. I’d just rather it didn’t happen, and am a little sore that everything else in his life is apparently a higher priority. All this is kinda counter to the OP, though.