I learned that women fart long time ago. This is kind of disgusting, but heres what happened. Way back in my single soldier days I had this german girlfriend that would come visit me in the barracks. Any old troops here remember linen turn in? I haven’t lived in the barracks for some time, so its a distant memory. Anyway, my girl and I were making the beast with 2 backs one evening when she let one rip…an impressive one, too. It was loud and lasted for about 30 seconds. It sounded like two wet slabs of meats being slapped together rapidly too. (Which I guess was the sound of her buttocks hitting each other) I think it actually lifed us off of the bed. We kind of laughed it off and kept doing what we were doing though. After she left I was straightening up the bed and I noticed a long brown streak on the linen. UGH! She shit my bed!
No problem, the next day was linen turn in. I stripped the bed and used my sleeping bag that night. The next morning I took the sheets to turn in. The supply sergeant would take the old ones and give me nice clean ones. And no one ever went to linen turn in, most folks had gthier own sheets. Plus, the supply sgt NEVER checked the sheets for holes or anything. He was supposed to, but he never did. Except he wasn’t there, his assistant was. And it seemed this one morning the entire company decided to show up. And of course the assistant unfurled the sheets before throwing them in the take away pile. In front of ebveryone. Showing the giant brown streak. And as is natural with my lousy luck, the commander happened to be there. All he could say was “GAWD DAMN! What did you do, Shit yourself!?”. (and of course, everyone is laughing at me…sigh)
I told him that it was actually my girlfriend that made this huge stinky skidmark, and everyone said in unioson, “Suuuuure it was”.
I had to endure about 2 weeks of having nicknames like “The Streak”, “Skidmark” and “Specialist Shitty pants”.
We laughed at the fart, not the…shit. I don’t think she even realized that there was more than gas in it. I’m not crazy…I mean if she had blow large chunks of brown matter all over the place I think it would have sunk any boner into the ground no matter how hot she was.
I think the championship fart goes to this guy named Ruiz, though. It was in Fort Jackson, right after a 5 mile run. The platoon was marching back to the barracks in formation. He let one go, that was barely audible but had the power of Galactus behind it. This girl that was right next to me was behind him and she instantly started gagging and groaning “OMIGOD…I’m gonna get sick!” She immediately fell out of formation and started vomitting. Ruiz was laughing so hard he almost fell out too. We had to give it to him…a fart that can make an otherwise healthy and fit person instantly throw up is a lethal weapon. I mean, I caught some of it, too. It was awful. I think I had to burn that PT uniform since that funk could only be cleansed with fire.
There was this one guy in clerk school named Kisamore. The latrine was at one end of a big bay full of bunk beds. He went into the can and proceeded to serenade us for a couple of minutes with huge butt blasts in between what sounded like a flock of otters diving into a kiddy pool.
Then the stench rolled into the bay.
Oh, God…it smelled like burnt, used diapers. A couple of tons worth. Maybe more. A Kisamore Kiloton.
Nobody has ever, to my knowledge, achieved that level of stink.
By the way, it is possible to be admired and ostracized at the same time.
OK, I take it back. These are not mere farts, but ass cataclysms. If the odor is more than a little smelly and is better described as a manifestation of Satan’s Own Bunghole Eruption, call an exorcist.
Sorry, that made me laugh. Of course, I read it in Cartman’s voice. But seriously, I feel your pain.
I have a co-worker who will not only fart in MY cubicle, but insists on scratching his nuts about a gazillion times a day, while standing right next to me.
I swear, one of these days I’m going to put a tube of jock itch cream and an air freshener on his desk!!
(and if I’m feeling evil, I’ll take pictures and send to everyone on our interoffice email list)
There was a guy in my A school class named Grupe. Seaman Grupe cleared the room on more than one occasion with his highly potent gas. It got to the point where he was ordered to go to medical to be diagnosed and treated. It turned out that he was lactose intolerant but insisted on drinking milk with every meal. Once he cut the dairy out, life for the rest of us got easier.
I know women fart. I do sometimes, though I do try to contain things unless I’m by myself, but sometimes they just happen, ya know? And my 87-year-old grandma does, a whole lot. Every time she gets up, in fact. She doesn’t even notice anymore, I don’t think.
Like my husband’s late grandmother, she probably can’t hear them, so doesn’t realise the rest of us can.
I made some delicious homemade chili one time, and my husband got up in the night and left the bedroom for some reason, and when he came back in, his nose had un-climitized itself from my post-chili poofs. He said he couldn’t believe he’d been sleeping with that scent all night.
That’s how I finally won the “bedroom door OPEN for fresh air” battle. With my FARTS!
My BF made his famous bean soup Sunday night. It was defiantly one of his best batches. We woke each other up several times with our loud explosive farts.
When I woke up at five and let out a boisterous fart he stirred and stated he was glad he took out the air conditioner and we had window open or we would have killed each other with the methane gas.
But seriously, I feel your pain.