The Hardest Choice I Have Ever Had to Make

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So here I sit, just having made a decision that if I were not at work would have my bawling like a child. I have decided to leave the state of Florida and return home to Cleveland, OH after five years. Now, some of you are saying, “Yikes! Leaving sunny Florida for cold as hell Cleveland. No wonder you want to cry.” But that’s not it. Reason why I want to cry is because I will be leaving behind my beautiful nine-year-old son in the process.

Five plus years ago my wife had decided to separate from me and move to Florida with her mom. To make a long story short six months later she wanted to get back together and fix the marriage but only if I moved to Florida to start over with her. I moved from Cleveland to Tampa to do so. Two years later she ended up leaving anyway.

In the past three years since my final separation I have seriously gone down hill in every aspect of my life. I can’t seem to shake this funk of bad luck or negative karma or whatever it is. I am now at a point in my life where I have no place of my own to live, I am hearing rumblings in my job about not meeting performance standards and being let go, no friends or love interests and just a general funk of depression that seems to be slowly but surely overcoming me. I have no family or friends to turn to down here and every day I just sit in the room I am renting and veg out on the PC until I fall asleep only to wake up, go to a job that I had to take or be outsourced and do it all over again.

The only reason I have not left the state of Florida is because of my son. I love him more than anything in this world and I can not imagine not seeing him at least every other weekend like I am now. I know that he would be visiting every summer and every other holiday but what kind of father can I be to my son under those circumstances? What kind of man will I be if I have to return home as a failure and in the process abandon my son? I wouldn’t be able to go to his soccer practices. I wouldn’t be able to help him with his school work. I wouldn’t be his safe refuge for when things are going bad at his mom’s house and he could come and stay with me.

My parents want me to come home. They can’t stand seeing me in my present condition, which I try to rationalize as not all that bad because at least I am here for my son. They are offering me to help me out in anyway they possibly can. Here I am, twenty seven years old, and I still need mom and dad to help me out. I feel like such a loser. But, since I have to go home I am going to take full advantage of the fact that I will have a support network in place. I am going to go back to school and get my Bachelors degree, in what I have no idea. My current degree is in Electronics Engineering from ITT Tech but that was such a huge waste of time and money that I try to block it from my mind. I’m going to go to a real “accredited” school this time. Maybe CSU (Cleveland State University) or Case Western Reserve. I am also going to clean up my credit and get that back on the right track. There are other things that I need to fix but I haven’t put them on my to do list yet.

The only thing I worry about is the fact that moving there won’t change anything. That maybe I am so far down that nothing will snap me back out of this and I will always be miserable. And then the line of thinking continues that if that is the case then maybe I need to stay here in Florida, find a better job, get back in school and do everything down here that I would up there. That way I can stay with my son. Problem with that is I have had three years to do that down here but I haven’t been able to.

I think the best thing for me to do is move some where that I will have a support group and try to put my life back together. I have got to get out of this reactive mode in my life and go back to a proactive mode. But the thought of leaving my son is killing me? I feel that a parent should sacrifice anything in their life, including happiness, to make sure there child is taken care of. With me leaving the state to move 1200 miles away is tantamount to abandonment and I hate myself for it.

Well, I guess that’s about it. I’m really for anything from anyone here. I just wanted to put my thoughts into writing. But if any Dopers here are long distance parents please let me know your experiences and how you dealt with the emotional turmoil because it really is eating me up inside.

Thanks for listening guys.

2

Wow, that’s tough. I’m in the area if you need someone to talk to, or anything.

3

No suggestions, just {{{{Amp}}}}.

4

I’m so sorry, Amp. However, it’s very important that your son have a father who is a good example to him of how to live his life, more than just that you’re there for his soccer games. I don’t think you’d want him to ever have the impression that A) his father wasted his life and B) that it was because of HIM that his father wasted his life.

I’m also fairly local if you want to talk.

5

I have a nine year old boy. The only thing that would keep me going in your situation, is what my boy would think of me when he was 21.

Not much else I can say, except “good luck” - keep it together, guy.

6

I’m very sorry that you’ve had to make such a difficult choice. I’m concerned, however, about the same thing that you are - often depressed people think that if they just make some big change in their life, like moving, that everything will be better, but it dosen’t end up fixing the root problems. If you’re not seeing somebody and possibly considering medication, you really should be, particularly since you know you’re going to be very upset about leaving your son. Don’t assume that moving will fix things, but don’t be so sure it won’t either - if you feel like you’re getting somewhere with your life, with regards to your education and such, then that might be a big help for you. It’s very important that you seek professional help, though, even though it might be expensive or inconvenient or embarassing or whatever. (If you go through school, it may be free, an dlarge universities often have pharmacies where antidepressants are deeply discounted.)

7

First step I recommend?

Get thee to a medical doctor (gem. practicioner fine) and talk about depression.

Trust me on this. If it’s bad advice, you have wasted a little time and a little money.

If it’s good advice and he diagnoses you as having depression…it will make a big difference and you will think more clearly.

I just recently went through this and wow, what a difference…in a short period of time.

8

Been there re the divorced with kids scenario. I moved to the Eastern Shore in 1986 from Virginia, because my wife (now ex) threated to abort our daughter if she couldn’t be near her parents who live near Ocean City. I quit my job in VA moved to the Eastern Shore and sold cars for a year or so before becoming a commercial real estate agent. We tried to make a go of things, but it all fell apart by 1994 when she decied she wasn’t “in love” anymore.

Long and bitter story short, even though the last person in the world I wanted to see was my ex-wife, I stayed for the kids, and I’m glad I did. I’m their father and nothing can change that. I discoved that if you put you mind and attention to it you can make a good life almost anywhere. If I had never left VA I might still be a Radio Shack Manager instead of a commercial real estate agent. There are a thousand ways to make a more than decent income in this world no matter where you are.

You’re a smart guy Amp, and wherever you are, your future and your happiness are only limited by your desire and imagination. It’s easy to see a bleak picture from where you are right now, but your son wants his daddy, and the world wants you to pick yourself up and get moving in the right direction.

Forget about location. You’re an intelligent, grown man in the most opportunity laden country on the face of this planet. You need to take the Olympian view of your current situation and plan what your next move is. Don’t let depression and interia plan it for you.

9

Have you spoken with your son about this yet?

10

No I haven’t because quite frankly I wouldn’t know what to say to him. I know I am going to have to but I am not emotional ready for it right now.

11

I second the above recommendation of going to a doctor about depression. You have had a lot of poo-poo raining down on you and it is very hard to break out of it once it starts. When the brain tends to get into a negative thought pattern it stays in that rut for a while.

You are in the middle of dark tunnel right now. One day, probably sooner than you think, you will be outside in the light seeing colors again. You always have us, the free armchair quarterback-physchotherapists on hand 24/7 for a shoulder to lean on.

I wish you peace and contentment during the coming time.