I was playing soccer with some friends, and one took a shot straight to the nads. Unfortunate, but it does happen. Later he fell and hurt his wrist a bit. He was complaining about first hurting his nuts, and then his wrist, and I said, “Yeah, your love life is really taking a hit tonight.”
At this factory where I worked, we got a Big Visit. It wasn’t anybody with big titles, just the team of consultants for the new management software, so we weren’t completely frozen. The “factory team” for the implementation of the new software included myself representing Quality, and another “weekend shift extract” representing Production. At lunch I have Production Guy on my left, Finance Guy (30-year winner of Most Serious Guy in Factory award) on my right.
One of the dishes was tender onions. I pass, and Production Guy says “you know, you should try everything at least once”. I say “well, in that case I know a guy who’d love to help you try some stuff… aaaat least once. He’s a sucker for big fellas.”
Finance Guy could barely finish his meal and we all absolutely refused to translate for the non-Spanish-speaking visitors.
I have a hot English teacher story too, it was one of my favorite moments in high school, though it wasn’t so much “wit” as simply, a funny moment of honesty for me.
The class was fairly small and we were sitting in a circle discussing some literary element or another, and got to talking about how a person’s clothing/appearance affects how they are perceived. My teacher said, disdainfully, “I mean, how would you feel if I showed up to work scantily clad …”
I “whispered” to my friend next to me: “It wouldn’t be that bad…” but apparently, I whispered a little too loud and everyone, including the teacher, heard it, and started cracking up. She teased me playfully about it afterwards, which was also interesting. 
Once the owner of the company I worked for called to get a file. Problem was, he couldn’t remember the name of the customer. Because my boss had been talking about the problem, I asked him if it was XXXX Co. He was astounded that I came up with the name, asking haw I’d done it.
Without a pause, I said “This is no ordinary housewife you’re dealing with!”
No one dared speak to him like that.
From that moment forward, he thought I walked on water. 
I’ve had far too many L’esprit d’escalier moments to count, and one that I thought was so incredibly funny thought up way too late that I vowed to remember it in case the (unfortunately rare) subject came up again. Sadly, I don’t remember what it was…
But anyway, the two more amusing, completely unconscious zingers I remember:
The first may be a litle TMI, but many years back (late 80s/early 90s) two friends and I were doing our usual hang-out-at-the-coffee-shop thing before it became a fashion statement among teens. My one friend, Oliver, suddenly and without warning let rip a fairly impressive, but short air biscuit. Not to be outdone, I floated my own, slightly more impressive one. Richard, seated across the table, then decided to get in on the action, but only managed to let a wee little “peep” out. I immediately said, in my best gay voice, “Virgin!” (I can’t take credit for it, as the exact same situation was posed in a joke I’d heard several years earlier. It had the same punchline. For some reason it had just immediately popped into my head at that exact moment) It had Oliver it stitches for a full five minutes though.
The other was a bit lame, but kinda funny at the time. I worked with people of various ages in a retail establishment. Dmitry was a younger fellow of 17 who worked the floor there, and he was dating a younger (14) Lolita-type chick. Naturally, the jailbait jokes abounded. One day he’s talking to some older woman, who then leaves and gets into her car.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“My girlfriend’s mom.” he replied.
“Oh,” I said, then after a pause for effect I added, “Is she closer to your age?”
Like many others, I usually come up with the best ripostes far too late, but the other day I was right on cue. I was in a restaurant with a large group of friends, chatting after the meal. A girl at another table said: “people keep taking pictures of my bum!” Quick as a flash, I replied: “they don’t mean to, it just keeps getting in the shot.” Of course, she wasn’t fat otherwise the joke would have been too hurtful to say out loud.
[Ron White]
“Yeah? Well I’ve got a van. And it’s got a place to have sex* with your sister.”
[/Ron White]
- Not his phrasing, obviously. But swearing is frowned upon in MPSIMS, no?
Obviously I’m so witty that I don’t make a point of remembering all the beautiful bits of repartee I’ve lightened the world with over the years. However, I do remember an exchange between two of my cousins (who were brothers) while we played golf with our respective dads. I was about 15 at the time, older cousin was about 18, and younger cousin about 13. Older cousin had just putted from the edge of the green, only to miss by a few inches.
Older Cousin: Ooooh… it was in the hole in mind, just not in body.
Younger Cousin: Just like your sex life.
What made this so funny for me was how young my younger cousin was, and that our dads were there too.
The only one I can remember right now was the time I was sitting across from a co-worker and her jerk of a boyfriend in the factory cafeteria. They had both cheated on their spouses to be with each other, and acted like they were the hottest shits around.
On this day, she suddenly says, “You know, I have a perfect ass.”
I shot back, “Yeah, he’s sitting next to you.”
I think this was back when my brother and I were in high school. It’s important to this story that I’m, well, fat, with a big fat ass. I’m a pretty easygoing person, but I must’ve been in a “my way or the highway” mood, because my brother said to me, “The Weird One, you’re such a hard-ass!”
I stuck my lower lip out and pretended I was about to cry. “But . . . my ass is soft and squishy!”
My brother turned pink and walked away, shaking his head.
Standing in line to pay at the local IHOP, I noticed that the girl running the register seemed as though she didn’t want to be there that day. She never looked up and always asked the same question in a robotic, gotta-get-through-this manner. When it was my turn to pay the conversation went like this:
Her (monotone): How was your meal
Me (growling): Lady, I had better food in prison.
Her head shot up, eyes wide, and she looked at me in utter confusion.
Me (smiling broadly): Made you look!
Long ago in high school study hall I was, as usual, bored out of my mind. Our study hall consisted of sitting in a regular classroom, while the class was going on. This day I was amusing myself by shooting spitballs at my buddy across the room. The teacher happened to turn around just after I had launched a shot:
Teacher: DJ, did you just throw something across my room?
Me: No, sir, I threw nothing!
Teacher: I saw something fly across the room and it was coming from your direction.
Me: Yes, sir, probably a fly.
Teacher: IT WAS WHITE!
Me: Yes, sir, albino fly. Very rare. Would you like for me to catch it?
I’m proud to say I was personally involved in the best one I know of. A coworker was complaining about his workload, and even though his conversation was none of my business, I told him to quit whining. For some reason he turned, exasperated, and gave me the following softball: “Go pimp!”
To which I replied: “I tried, bu your Mom is too lazy.”
In private, with friends, I tend to be kind of witty, but usually in public I never have a good comeback ready. Not too long ago, though, I had a good one.
I was buying milk at the convienience store, which also sells gasoline, and when the cashier rang up my milk, she asked, “Did you have gas?”, and I managed to reply, “No, its just a new cologne I’m trying.” Got some good laughs from everyone in line and the cashier.
Oh yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife!
Out of sequence, I know, but I always thought that line was funny.
This reminds m of a similar comeback I heard on Third Rock From the Sun:
Man (in condescending tone): “Do you like girls, Tommy?”
Tommy: “Yeah. Sorry.”
I got off a joke at my own expense that I was pleased with this afternoon. My voice teacher friend was telling me how to get a better “ah” sound. She explained, then paused, and just said “Tall and pleasant.” I went into Carnac mode, and said.
“What are two words people never say about me?”