In a can.
Thomas à Becket
Annoys the other Historical Action figures by denying them permission to do what they wish, then disappears when no one in authority is looking at him.
Robert Falconer Scott
No such person.
Robert Falcon Scott comes with its own ice cube tray.
Mark Twain
Greatly exaggerated.
John Brown.
A-moulters in its own grave! Truth sold separately.
Kaiser Wilhelm II
Massacres your other action figures. Mouldering in the grave makeup sold seprately.
Helen Keller
Squeeze his tum-tum, & hear him say "Give me a voman vho truly loves beer, und Hy vill conquer de vorld. "
Lee Harvey Oswald. (And make it good, darnit!)
LHO figure: comes complete with USMC Sharpshooter badge, magic bullet, CIA brain implant, and Alek Hidell wallet card. “Mexico Lee” vendió por separado.
Spiro Agnew
Manufacturer’s consumer update:
Due to an error in the factory, we cannot be certain that the action figure in the Lee Harvey Oswald package is actually Lee Harvey Oswald. We apologise for any inconvenience or assassinations that may have taken place as a result of this error.
Tax forms not included.
Blackbeard.
Basic model in minimalist style comprises skull and bones only. Accessories include eyepatch, piratical look and large weapon. Beards currently out of stock.
Ché Guevara.
Handsome, intelligent, hedonistic, GSOH. Full of charisma, bullshit and urban guerilla chic. Seeks female action plaything (with no strings attached) for games etc. Goes like clockwork. Nice ‘bit of rough’ for the discerning older model.
Nice beret.
Limited edition.
Vlad the Impaler.
Vlad the Impaler comes with My Lil’ Staking Kit, a dozen Ottoman warriors with pre-bored holes in their posteriors, a cool sword and a gallon jug of fake blood. Kids today - they just love that Vlad!
Geronimo (not done earlier, after posting by Chez Guevara).
Plays hide-and-go-seek for years and years with the GI Joe action figures then, when finally found, becomes a catchphrase. According to rumor Ken dolls use the box Geronimo’s action figure comes in as a relic/decoration in their Barbie Entitled Legacy Collection Ivy League Playset.
Rasputin
Non-toxic. Waterproof. Will not leak if punctured.
Czar Nicholas.
Pull her string and she talks about the need for women’s rights and the stupidity of racism but unfortunately short circuits when she gets to the glories of Marx, Lenin and the Red Revolutions all over the world. Requires an Annie Sullivan Doll to be understood.
Brigham Young
The Czar Nicholas doll is interchangeable with the King George V doll, to which he bears an uncanny resemblance. He comes with a Czarina doll, several foxy Grand Duchess dolls, and a Czarevetch doll with Gushy Hemophiliac Action ™, which will leak badly if cut or damaged in any way. Bolshevik Revolutionary Firing Squad ™ playset sold separately.
Brigham Young.
I think that should be The Wests that chase him. And Sam Cobra.
Each of his 50 wives sold separately.
Jean-Paul Sartre.
Act now while supplies exist.
Buy now and receive coupons for 50% off his Super Arch Enemies, Being and Nothingness!
Bob Dole