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IS YOUR PENIS TOO SMALL? WANT A HUGE, SWINGING BILLY CLUB OF A PENIS?
Sorry, there’s no help for it Wee Willie Winkie! Cry! Cry like a baby!
Do you want to get rid of spyware?
Well click here to download some more!
For every email you forward, Bill Gates will cackle with glee because his fortunes were built on the backs of idiots with computers who chose the easy way out rather than learning how to use their damn CP/M machines.
Want to click on a popup ad?
How about this one?
How about this one?
How about this one?
How about this one?
How about this one?
Whoops! You missed the and clicked on the ad, so here are some more popups, a little spyware, and an animated graphic of Christina Aguilera’s uvula!
How about this one?
How about this one?
How about this one?
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Would you like to MEET GIRLS??!!
GetOutMoreYouSadGit.com has details of literally SEVERAL single women in your area!! Well, mostly on the same continent, anyway. And most of them are probably spoof ads, with pictures grabbed from other sites. Or someone’s brother has posted their details, for a laugh.
SEND NO MONEY NOW!!! Send it in a moment when you access our site. We’ll use it to buy Cheetos and beer, and laugh at your inadequacy.
Hello.
I am a professional con-man, but for the purposes of this letter you can refer to me as Mr. Nigambu of Nigeria. Normally I would tell you a long and unimplausible tale of dead relatives, oppression by the government, vast fortunes, and how you can make money by just doing the right thing, but my heart really isn’t in it today.
So why don’t you just send me your bank account number, and all the other information I will need to rob you of all your savings while I sit here eating potato chips and drinking jolt Cola? That way we can both get on with our lives.
Thank you.
“Mr. Nigambu”
Would you like to win a million dollars?
So would we. Christ, do you think we’d be sending out junk like this if we had that kind of money? Catch a clue.
Dear (Bank Of Your Choosing) Customer:
This is an email to let you know that yourchoice Bank Account has not recently been accessed by a number of other computers. But if it had been, we might need to verify your account information. Please click here to send us all of your account information so that we may use it for our own personal gain.
If you do not comply within the next 72 hours, we will have no choice but to send you a number of other emails almost exactly like this one.
Sincerely
Anti-Fraud Dept. of YourChoice Bank (but not really).
WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FAST???
do not TRY OUR NEW DIET PILLS! THEY REALLY don’t WORK! READ THESE TESTIMONIALS FROM REAL PEOPLE!!!
“I TRIED THESE PILLS AND I LOST no WEIGHT RIGHT AWAY! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU do not BUY THEM TODAY!!!”
Buy a cheap mortgage from me! I’m smart enough to crack into some moron’s insecure XP box sitting on a broadband connection, so I must be smart enough to trust with your sensitive financial information! I will have ever so much fun with your credit card numbers and SSN! Hooray for proxies, that you may never know my name or the fact I live with my parents! Hooray for morons, that I may always have an army of zombies to spew my spam through the Internet like heroin through Lou Reed’s veins!
If you want more spam from more sporgers like myself, be sure to click the link comically marked unsubscribe! The unsubscribe link, is it not hilarious? It unsubscribes you from nothing, and it signs you up to so much more! Once again, I praise morons!
And remember, we have a pre-existing business relationship. You once bought something from some website and gave an email address, which was then sold and resold twenty times before it found me! Or maybe you didn’t, and you posted your email address on a website or (most joyous of joys) Usenet! Either way, it’s a relationship! So this is all legal! Huzzah!!!
We have naked movies of Cameron Diaz available for download. That is, if you fork over your credit card number. Actually, they’re not movies of Cameron Diaz. We paid a skanky hooker named Frieda $50 to screw our friend Bob and taped it. But she kinda does look like Cameron Diaz in an Ernest Borgnine sorta way.
Oh, and that credit card? Yeah…we’ll show up on your statement as “SCREW! SCREW! SCREW!” just so you and your significant other will have something fun to argue about at the end of the month. Plus, if you click right now, we’ll fund our next shopping spree at Best Buy with your Visa, Mastercard or American Express. (Sorry, Diner’s Club not accepted. Do you know anybody that takes frickin’ Diner’s Club anymore?)
Stop paying for premium channels. Send us your credit card number and we’ll ship you this itty-bitty black box that will give you all the premium channels on your cable system for free. That is, until the cable company notices and sends the FBI to your doorstep.
They’ll kick down your door, throw you in handcuffs and haul you off to jail. While you’re in prison, the cable company will disconnect your service. Not that you could afford it while you’re in prison anyway, as you’ll be paid only 38 cents a day to wash the skid marks out of your fellow inmates’ BVDs.
So, you see, it is possible for you to avoid paying for premium channels. Click now!
Psst! Wanna buy a watch?
It’ll pass for a Rolex if you look at it in low light situations, such as when you’re trying to pick up skanky women at dive bars by flashing an expensive watch. They’ll never even notice that the second hand ticks instead of sweeping, or that it’s causing your wrist to turn green, or that the movement gets hung up at the top of the hour.
Come on, I’m just trying to make an honest buck. This scam worked for decades in Times Square, so why can’t it work online? It’s not like I’m trying to scam you with a Three Card Monte game like those other Times Square lowlives. You will get a watch. And it will look expensive, provided the person you’re showing it off to has the IQ of a soap dish.