Buy a couple corks, put 'em in your ears.
My friend and I were talking, and then she kissed me, and now she’s looking at me and I have no idea what she wants. What do I do?
Quickly disinfect your mouth before the girl germs infect you!
Help, need answer fast.
The boss was turned into a zombie during lunchhour, and he just sent me this voicemail:
“Jooooones.
I need the brains, um , I mean ‘numbers’, on that Evans Report. Bring them and your large head to my office immediately.”
What should I do? On the one hand I don’t want to get fired but on the other hand I don’t want my brain eaten either. It’s a real dilemma.
Yous has nothings tou feaaaarrr, Comes intos mys lair…euhm office, and bringsss yours tasty co-workers
Ate all my employers braainnnns, need freshs braaiiiiinnnns, where to look?, need answer fast…braaaiiiiinnnsss
Go to your local IRS office. I fear the meal will be quite light though, but it’s a start.
I need to shoot a boss zombie in the head, but he’s wearing a helmet. Need help fast (or slow as I don’t really know if he’s a fast or a slow zombie).
Lay on the floor and shoot upward at the nose. It should go into the brain from that angle.
Need answer fast!
Some old wrinkly bitch is complaining about my talking on the cellphone. I’m at the Cineplex with friends, but the movie is lame. How do I get this lady to shut up so I can hear the person on the phone?
Do you have a Jumbo bucket of popcorn? No worries if not. Tap her on her shoulder with your weaker hand, and as she turns, karate chop her neck at a 45 degree angle.
My jacket has just been caught up in the doors of the train, the train in starting to pull away from the station, the platform guard has headphones on and is smoking a ciggy in a doorway…help…
You paid good money for that jacket, dammit, and there’s no reason to lose it just because of the incompetence of the Transit Authority’s flunkies. Hang for dear life onto the outside of the car until you reach the next station, then simply step off when the doors open again. Easy-peasy!
Thought I’d been stranded on this world of advanced primates far from Earth, but I just saw a time-honored national monument and now it seems I may have gotten back “home” after all. What to do? Need answer fast.
Destroy all life on planet with a nuclear device, but let a few of the apes escape back to the 20th century so you can have more sequels.
My box of facial tissues doesn’t have that certain youthful vibrancy I fell in love with. I feel that the chemistry is gone from our marriage and it is now just going through the motions. How can I save our relationship? Need answer fast. plzthxbye
Use a little witch hazel on the tissues. this will add a little zing back into your life, and add a blush to your cheeks. You will have so much energy you’ll feel like running with the excruciating love you now have for your tissue.
Need answer fast!
I used my nieces Easy-Bake oven and and I got my hand stuck in the door. It burns but I can’t get my hand out. What can I do?
This is an ideal opportunity for you to imitate a cheesy Japanese monster movie. Walking around with your hand stuck in a major appliance while screaming in agony is sure to delight your niece and provide a family anecdote that will last for generations!
I’m facing an impeachment trial by my state senate. If I’m convicted I’ll be removed from office and may be forbidden to ever serve in government again. I’m also facing criminal charges, and if I’m convicted of them I’ll almost certainly be made an example of and wind up in a federal penitentiary for the rest of my life. Should I go on The View or Larry King Live first?
My advice is, scrap the media blitz, resign right away and then cop the best plea you can with the Feds. Good luck!
I’m an adorable orphan with a compelling life story, but right now I live in a pretty gawdawful place. They hardly feed us anything and when I ask for more, they get all offended and incredulous. I’m a growing boy - I need my food! What to do? Need answer fast.
Find a rich man. Shave his hair off. Get a mutt. Name it Sandy. Get a sex change operation, dye your hair, and hold a fork in an electrical outlet for 20 seconds. The rest should take care of itself. Avoid people named Fagin like the plague.
My pants are on fire. What should I do. Need answer fast.
Stop Lying.
There’s too many bleeping snakes on this bleeping airplane. What do I do?
Start actually using profanity, and start now.
Ants, ants, ants crawling all over my body. They’re pinching me - OUCH! - and it really hurts. What should I do? Need answer fast.
Ok it’s a three step solution.
- cover yourself in honey
- find a cave with a bear
- poke him with a stick repeatedly
You won’t care about the ants anymore.
It seems that the parachute I took with me to go skydiving isn’t working properly, how do I fix this quickly? Need answer fast. Preferably in the next 10 seconds or so.
aim for the ground and miss
woke up dead, what do I do?
Lie down and go back to sleep.
Need answer fast!
Some guy is humping the neighbor’s dog that froze to death from in my original post. The dog is only ten years old but is 53 in dog years. I don’t know if the dog corpse is a minor or adult. Can I legally take pictures and sell them without a signed consent?
Yes, but only if you send me 8x10 glossies free, two copies each.
My older brother and I, and this prissy but kind of endearing kid who’s visiting next door, are bored with smalltown life. Really bored. Bored bored bored. When my dad shot a rabid dog recently, that was kind of cool, and there’s a big trial going on downtown, but otherwise, jeez, this is Snooze City. Now we hear some idiot psycho killer might live in a creepy house nearby. Should we try to meet him? That could spice things up, don’t you think? Need answer fast.
Suuuuure, go ahead and meet him. If you wanna be chopped up in his freezer! Christ, kid. Nothing good ever comes of endearing yourself to nutcases. That trial going on downtown? Why not go pay a call to the plaintiff’s family some night?
Need answer fast, was patching the ceiling in the kitchen today and fell onto a carrot and now it’s stuck. I’m well-known in my community and you know how people like to assume the worst. What should I do?
Shove some lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, radishes, croutons and raw eggs up there and pour a bottle of Caesar salad dressing over your butt. People won’t know what to assume.
My trusty dog defended me and ma against a wolf. Now he’s acting a little standoffish and foaming at the mouth. What should I do?