I kinda stole this idea from the game, but here goes:
One person gives a bad scenario, the next poster gives the WORST possible solution, and then another scenario. This probably won’t go anywhere, but here’s an example-
What do you do when being chased by an alligator?
Run circles around the gator, the closer the better. This will confuse the animal and it will eventually give up.
Next scenario: What is the best way to avoid being attacked by a polar bear?
What is the best way to avoid being attacked by a polar bear?
Always travel around polar bear territory with the your elderly grandmother. Should you encounter a hostile, hungry polar bear simply toss grandma to him, then make a run for it while he is thus occupied disemboweling her. For good measure you might want to break her leg with a crowbar beforehand to preclude her sprinting to safety or maybe smearing her with steak sauce to ensure the bears interest in her rather than you.
Next scenerio: You find yourself locked in a closet with somebody with ebola virus.
Start a small fire between you and the infected person. Do not try to escape the virus, as it will most likely follow you. Remain as quiet as possible, and do not make a sound-diseases are attracted to noise.
Whats the best way to find water in the jungle?
Cut your arm and leave a blood trail. When a large enough creature begins
tracking you, tie a rope to it and let it lead you to water.
You’re on the top floor of a ninety storey building, and a fire has started two floors below you. How do you escape?
Obviously, you jump out of a window, then catch a ledge two or three floors below the fire. Climb back into the building and take the stairs to safety.
You’re out winter hiking, and you take a wrong turn and get lost. You have minimal provisions, and night is coming fast. How do you survive?
Dig a hole in the snow for warmth. Drink as much alcohol or caffiene (soda or tea will suffice) as possible to keep warm. Try move as little as possible, and remember, snow acts as insulation against the cold!
What is the best way to navigate a vehicle through an area where quicksand is common?
First, ditch your provisiions…they’re not enough to survive on, and will only attract predators. Then, strip naked, and bury yourself in the largest snowbank you see, and try to sleep. As your body temperature lowers, your body’s need for food and energy decreases. Add to this a deep sleep, and you should be able to survive on your natural fat reserves until you are rescued.
You’re flying a “ride along” on a FedEx cargo jet over the East Coast, when the pilot suffers a major stroke and keels over, shattering his skull against the only radio. What’s the best way to signal to the ground that you need help?
Whats the best way to handle a double answer? uh oh… Guess I’ll light myself on fire and sing ina calm, low voice… heh, you guys can figure it out, but I liked Ranchoth’s advice better than I liked my own…whee!
Should the Pilot of your Fed Express die tragically, and the radio is dead, you will need to write SOS on the plane wings in red. To do this, simply dissassemble any parachuteand use the chords to anchor yourself to the planes door. With a technique similar to mountaineering you should climb carefully onto the wing, and write SOS on the top side of the wing. Use the pilots blood for this job. If the pilot has lost too much blood, then use your own blood as well.
Once the three letters have been written. Climb back into the plane and take the pilot seat. Fly towards the nearest population center and when you get there pull hard to the left on the pilots joy stick in order to achieve a barrel roll, this will make the SOS written on the top of your planes wings visible to people in the city or town you fly over. Someone is bound to phone the police who will be able to assist you further.
Should you find yourself tied naked to a lamp post in the middle of San Francisco Castro region at 1 am in the morning. How do you survive?
Bump …
Obviously too many people consider this a best case scenario, oh well, try this one for size.
You find yourself in the queue at airport security check desk. The person in front of you claims to security that she is carrying a bomb, and they should be careful. The security guards laugh at the obvious joke, at which point the person infront drops their trousers revealing 20 sticks of dinamite are tucked into their boxer shorts. How do you survive this common occurence?
First you wonder WHY a female is wearing boxer shorts. You realize it’s really a guy in drag, so you do the obvious: Knee him in the balls, while singing “Hot dogs. Armor hot dogs.What kind of man wears Armor hot dogs.”
You wake up on a park bench bleeding and realize someone has stolen your kidney.
As always, rely on your education for survival!! You are missing A kidney. This means you still have your *spare *kidney! No worries, Mate! Just use some trash and old newspapers to stuff in the hole to stop the bleeding and you’re right as rain.
You go to complain to your wife that the flavored coffee she serves you tastes too strongly of bitter almonds. You find only plain coffee next to an open bottle of cyanide. You’ve been poisoned! What do you do??
Finish off the coffee so that you can be mentally alert for your exhaustive research at the local library in search of an antidote .
You’re lost in the woods with one match and have to light a fire. What do you do?
Oh yes, and just add a few more spoonfuls of sugar to get rid of the bitterness.
You obviously light the match to look under things for more matches!
You are in a bank and all of the sudden bank robbers show up with guns and knives. What do you do?
This is one of the classic situations where you must not give the impression of being a victim. Statistics prove that 100% of innocent people who get shot or seriously injured are victims! Quickly in the first few seconds of confusion you must rip the stokings off the nearest female (or rip off your own stokings if you are female). Carefully slip the stokings over your head and standup looking mennacing. From now on you will blend in perfectly with the bank robbers, and so won’t get shot or stabbed. If questioned as to identity by the robbers, just say you’re name is Dave, and that Fat Freddie sent you allong to help out with the job.
When camping in a dangerous foreign land, like France, you find that your traveling companion is pregnant and her waters have broken. You are in a tent in the middle of the night in France!!, what should you do?
Wait until the baby starts comming out, then shove it back in! You may need to use some strength, 'cause they’re not going to go back in too easily
You’re in the middle of a pressure sensitive floor. If you make any step, the floor will sense it and cause the celing (which is covered with many downwards pointing spikes) to fall on you. What do you do?
Well, duh. Jump up, grab a couple of spikes and use them to get to the door overhead without touching the floor.
My solution to the previous one would be to get the hell out of there and go to the closest French eye doctor because if you didn’t notice you were going camping with a 9 months pregnant woman, your eyesite obviously isn’t vingt-vingt.
You are alone in the office and the electricity goes out, the phone goes dead, and a tiger walks in the door.
Catch the tiger completely off guard. Attack the tiger, and attempt to bite it in the face. Tigers hate to have their tongue damages, so try to reach in and rip it out.
It’s the night before a 50 page paper is due in college, and you hadn’t started. It’s midnight, and you must pass this class. What do you do?
Ambush the professor on his/her way to turn in grades, and change yours surrepticiously.
You’ve in the air lock of a space station nestled in a LaGrange point between the Earth and the moon. You’re naked. The outer doors just slammed open.