Hold your breath, then start making swimming motions until you get to earth. There’s only about 1 hydrogen atom in every 30 cubic meters out there, so you’d better be a strong swimmer with a large lung capicity.
You’re in the bathroom masturbating. Suddenly, you hear you mother say, “Open Up!” and the doorknob start turning.
Grab the nearest tube of superglue and spread it on the door handle. Use both hands to spread it around and into the crevice where it meets the door. Holler, “I can’t, the handle’s stuck!” Resume masturbating.
Pop quiz, asshole. You’re on a speeding bus that is rigged to blow up if it drops below 50 mph. The bomber is watching you via closed circuit TV and threatens to set off the bomb if you try to disable it. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Call a friend with a pick up truck. Have him place a matress in the back. Get him to pull up alongside you. Jump off the bus into the pick-up bed. Get the hell out of there, cause when it blows, it will be messy.
You have woken up in the middle of open heart surgery, and notice that the doctor’s breath smells fasintly of cheap brandy and cuban cigars. What do you do?
Best to make sure the guy isn’t bluffing. Stop the bus and make sure there really is a bomb. If you find one, better listen to him and not try to disable it.
Uh, KidCharlamagne, you’re supposed to create a new one.
Oh well, here’s a new one in your stead.
As a means of dealing with anger, your therapist suggests you write one of those “letters that aren’t supposed to be sent” to someone you have problems with. So you do, detailing in the letter to your boss everything you hate about her, from her annoying high-pitched voice, to her complete incompetance, to her grating little tapping of her pen during meetings to her inexplicable urge to take no responsibility whatsoever, but still demand all credit.
You put it in an envelope and set it on your desk. Suddenly, before you have the chance to tear it up, you are interrupted by a phone call.
Unfortunately, your SO sees the letter and, attempting to be helpful, puts a stamp on it and mails it.
What a to do?
File for divorce, that way you can explain to your boss that due to the marital strife, your SO wrote and mailed the letter as a means of revenge against you. That way, you can keep your job, and be able to keep your therapist in business for years as you come to terms with your everlasting guilt over such a boneheaded choice.
You have woken up in the middle of open heart surgery, and notice that the doctor’s breath smells fasintly of cheap brandy and cuban cigars. What do you do?
You hand your doctor a breathmint and then ask for some of that booze so you can get back to that dream about you and the stranded beach volleyball team.
You are with your SO in a cabin in the middle of an abandoned campsite. Your tonsil hockey session is interrupted by a banging on the door. You send your loved one out to investigate in the skimpiest clothes because you have a cramp. Its been half an hour since she left. What do you do?
You simply head for home, because your SO has obviously gone off with the person who made the noise for another tonsil hockey session. Who needs a slut like that?
You are 9 months pregnant, and go to see a Steve Irwin crocodile show. In the middle of it, you give birth. Irwin immediately comes over, grabs the baby, and starts heading for the crocodile area. What do you do?
Sorry, I was really just tacking on an additional answer to xayoz306’s .
Call Michael Jackson and ask him to hurry on over with his son so he can substitute your baby for his.
I have to ask and answer this one that I heard yesterday:
You have crabs! What do you do?
Using lighter fluid, you light one half of your pubic hair on fire, then shoot the little bastards with a .38 as they jump over to the other side.
Next Question:
You’ve been given a mind-controlling drug and when you finally come to, you find yourself on stage in San Francisco wearing a feather boa and an SS hat.
Look around the stage. Are there any other people wearing only a boa and an SS hat? If so, try to follow along with the dance number as well as you can. If not, start singing “Springtime for Hitler” in a notably off-key tone… This should keep the audience distracted enough so you have the time to fashion the boa into a makeshift g-string. Finish the song, throw the hat into the crowd and exit the stage (stage right, of course)… Head out onto the streets of San Francisco in your makeshift feather boa g-string and blend in with the crowd. You should fit right in.
Next Question:
Your lobotomy has gone horribly horribly wrong, and instead of the spledid existence of ignorance, you’ve somehow developed the ability to read other people’s minds with only the tiniest of effort. The problem is this: it turns out you were right all along, all of your friends, family, and even strangers are out to get you. On your way home from the hospital, you “hear” of at least 50 different plots to kill you within the next week. What do you do?
You construct an underground bunker in your backyard. The purpose is twofold: first, it will hide you effectively from all those who wish to do you harm. Second, if you line the bunker with inch-thick lead plating it will shield you from the telepathic noise of your surroundings. In order to produce full shielding, though, you need it closed up really tight. Tell all your “friends” that you’re leaving town for a few days so they wont notice your absence and then secretly seal yourself inside the bunker. Bring appropriate equipment to do the job right. An arc welder should suffice.
You are driving a tanker truck over a mountain pass when you lose control of the vehicle. The cab is dangling over a thousand-foot drop. The tank has sprung a leak and as a result the center of gravity of the truck is sloooowly shifting forward. The nose begins to tip ever so slightly down. What do you do?
Turn off the iginiton. Wait for the truck to begin falling. Carefully climb out of the truck, onto the roof. Remain there until the last second. Just before impact, jump straight up. This should counter the effect of gravity, and you will land gracefully on the obliterated wreckage that was once your truck. It will not explode because you have thoughtfully turned off the enginge.
While attempting to develop technology to allow us to send the president to Mars, you have invented a new-type of weapon, a sort of 1920’s style death ray! Suddenly the whole world is against you! You’re so misunderstood! What do you do?
Turn off the iginiton. Wait for the truck to begin falling. Carefully climb out of the truck, onto the roof. Remain there until the last second. Just before impact, jump straight up. This should counter the effect of gravity, and you will land gracefully on the obliterated wreckage that was once your truck. It will not explode because you have thoughtfully turned off the engine.
While attempting to develop technology to allow us to send the president to Mars, you have invented a new type of weapon, a sort of 1920’s style death ray! Suddenly the whole world is against you! You’re so misunderstood! What do you do?
You may think that having a 1920’s style death ray, you wouldn’t care if the world was against you, but such attitude is short sighted and unlikely to get yourself layed. It is better to have the world on your side, to achieve this simply tell the president that you have created a matter transmitter that will place him instantly on mars. Tell him to sit in the nose vent of your 1920’sSDR as you pretend to aim him directly to the martian surface. Once the president is incinerated you may need to death ray a few of his personal guards but once things settle down you will find the whole world will decide you aren’t so bad a chap after all. You still won’t get layed though, but that’s just life.
You have been marooned on a desert island with the entire swedish female naturist volleyball team. Your provisions consist of 3 flares, 2 tins of tuna, 500 bottles of sun cream, 2 gallons of cooking oil, and a box of condoms. What do you do?
Blow the condoms up, put a note inside each one reading “all is well, please do not assist us”, and send them off to sea. Throw the flares in the ocean, you won’t be needing those. Make sure the volleyball players douse each other liberally in sun cream during daylight hours. Ignore the cooking oil and tuna until you absolutely desperate for a snack and a wrestling match. Other than this advice, I’ll just have to say “Use your imagination”.
You are at work when terrorists take the whole office hostage. They keep calling you “the one” and they keep a close eye on you. Their hostile intentions are obvious. All you have is a paperclip, some rubber bands, and the winners of your last M&M gladiator battle. What do you do?
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention…
WOOHOO! THREADSPOTTING!
That is all…
You have been marooned on a desert island with the entire swedish female naturist volleyball team. Your provisions consist of 3 flares, 2 tins of tuna, 500 bottles of sun cream, 2 gallons of cooking oil, and a box of condoms. What do you do?
[/QUOTE]
Its obvious what you should do - start using all of that cooking oil on the volleyball team! Hey, it worked for the soccer team in “Alive!” Next, inflate all of the condoms to make a one-man float to get off the island. COver yourself with the sun cream before shoving off so you don’t get burned! Used the flares as a propulsion device - aim them straight out the back of your ribbed raft and fire! Kinda like what Wile E. Coyote would do. Problem solved!
Issue - you decided to visit Cleveland for the month of January because you needed some down-time and the whole city ets pretty quiet then (except for the annual CWRU Sci-Fi Movie Marathon, bt I digress). Unfortunately, this just happens to be the month NE Ohio is hit with snow, ice, rain that turns into ice and lots of cold wind from an Alberta Clipper, making something as simple as going down the front stairs of your apartment scarry. What do you do?
Patty in Frozen-Over Cleveland
<b>Issue - you decided to visit Cleveland for the month of January because you needed some down-time and the whole city ets pretty quiet then (except for the annual CWRU Sci-Fi Movie Marathon, bt I digress). Unfortunately, this just happens to be the month NE Ohio is hit with snow, ice, rain that turns into ice and lots of cold wind from an Alberta Clipper, making something as simple as going down the front stairs of your apartment scarry. What do you do?
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What? What? There’s a sci-fi movie marathon on, why do you need to go outside? Oh wait, you stupid pothead, smoked your stash during the first movie and now you need munchies. First, put your ice skates on because the stairs outside are doubtlessly icy, so its foolish to go on the ice without ice skates. Then take off your skates and walk to the nearest tree in your barefeet because you need both hands to hold onto the railing and instead of carrying shoes. Then find the tallest tree and climb it till you reach the nest of a slumbering squirrel. While balanced precariously in the tree take off all your clothes so that the squirrel doesn’t damage them. If yer a dude, leave your whitey tighties on because, uh, you know how much squirrels like nuts. Grab the vicious nut-hoarding vermin and throttle him until he tells you where his stash (of nuts) is. Don’t be fooled if he pretends not to be able to talk. Take the squirel with you as you will need some meat during the long winter months ahead. Climb back up the tree because you forgot your damn clothes up in the tree. Put back on ice skates and climb back up stairs, careful not to drop nuts (the kind tied up in clothes or girded into your loins) or smoosh twitching rodent on railing. Go back up stairs. Pry the beastly little fur snack off your wrist and really throttle him this time. Put him in the pot with nuts (wrong nuts buddy, try not slamming the lid so hard next time). Boil until a nice thick gravy is formed. Smear gravy all over your chest while calling random women in the phonebook. Get pissed because you missed “plan 9 from outerspace” while fixing dinner and trying to get a date.
You’ve just been picked up by the CPD for crank calling women (stupid caller id) and have been sentenced to a mental institution because you were wandering around in front of your house with nothing but ice skates and white-tighties filled with sno-balls. You had a hairy brown muck smeared all over your pre-pubescentesq chest. You cell mate is a 350 lb ex biker named “Monkey-Love” who looks at you and slobers. He is scheduled to get his straight jacket off tomorrow. NEver mind that, you’ve an itch on your back that you just can’t scratch. What do you do?
Well you should just politely ask your cell mate to scratch your back. Tell him that you’ll be his friend in the end.
You have won a trip to Thailand. While you are there a 9 year old girl picks your pocket. You got a good look at her and are now going around asking where to find young girls.
You are approched by an American News crew who ask what you are looking for.
What do you tell them?