Give him the Old Yeller treatment. Use silver buckshot in case he was infected with lycanthropy.
Through some sort of malfunction, my Sham-Wow has become a conduit to an alternate dimension of moisture and is spewing liquid all over my home. I’ve got the German manufacturing plant on hold, but the water is already up to my ankles. What do I do?
He obviously needs a cuddle and a treat to reward his valiance. Don’t be a jerk - that dog saved your life.
I have recently been elected Minister of Finances in an African nation, and am faced with a difficult monetary situation that would involve the help of a Western individual citizen. For some reason, my emails are not answered, or with sarcasm and spite. What should I do ? Need help soonish.
EDIT : too late. Damn.
First congratulate yourself on having an incredibly well-sealed and weather-proofed home. Then donate the Sham-Wow to a water-deprived village in Africa, or maybe to the state of Arizona. Be a hero.
Ask the head of the Nigerian Lottery Association for advice. He sometimes gets serious responses. Also, a little attention to mechanics, usage, grammar, and spelling goes a long way.
My job is to hunt down and kill people who refuse to willingly submit to execution once they reach their government-mandated Lastday. Tomorrow’s my 21st birthday. What should I do? Need help fast.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And again. And again and again and again and again. Ask as many people as you possibly can - embrace technology; you might even want to use email to reach the biggest possible number of people. Sooner or later you’ll find some helpful soul who will redeem your faith in humanity! P.S. It’s not me.
I just started work in a sweeeeeet CEO post, but my number two guy, who I handpicked but admit I’d been warned about, keeps shooting his mouth off. It seems every week he says something in public for which my management team and I then have to go into damage-control mode (I’m younger, he’s older, if that makes a difference). For reasons I won’t go into, I’m stuck with the guy for at least four years. He does have his strong points, but I’m starting to wonder if I made a mistake by picking him. What should I do? Need answer fast.
Fake your own death. Watch him fail miserably. Point and laugh.
I’m in the middle of enacting my grand evil plan, only the heroes have just broken into my lair and are currently searching the entire place for my control room. Meanwhile, my second-in-command just announced his intentions to betray me, and is–presumably–enacting his assassination plot right now! As if that isn’t bad enough, the senior scientist found a miscalculation in the scorching desert ray currently sweeping the map, which will leave a gaping hole right over a small, fertile town with enough people to rebuild the human population. What do I do?
Obtain location to small fertile town from the senior Scientist. Then kill him (or tranquilize if you’re feeling non-violent, but I figure this shouldn’t be a problem based on your OP). Before killing him, ensure no one else knows location of small fertile town.
Then get ready to Activate the Secret Self-Distruct Mechanism that will destroy your fortress (you DID Opt for the silent one right?) Stealthily withdraw your finances and leave them to “long lost uncle Bob” in said sleepy quiet fertile village. Record a Long winded Victory Gloating speech detailing your master plan in glorious details, and make sure the length of it will exceed the Countdown timer to the self-distruct mechanism in your base. Save the recording, have it play from some obscure and far off portion of your base (Make sure you dropped enough clues to your location for your would be successor to waste time trying to find you). Active Self destruct countdown.
Press Play in Recording.
Steal Heros’ Vehicle preferably from the clumsy and aloof sidekick that has fallen asleep in his vehicle, or one left behind by the plucky sidekick who is told to guard the cars, but will inevitably leave his post in order to bumble upon the heros at an untimely moment and become a hostage. Forget about the Hostage hijinks, and just STEAL HIS CAR!
Start Driving like a Madman towards the sleepy fertile Village, and visit “Long lost Uncle Bob” give him a will to sign, and then execute him and mourn him as suddenly you have become the sole heir to uncle bob’s crazy fortune hidden away in the mountains.
As the world is destroyed all around this town, your base is destroyed (Killing your would be assassin and the heroes who burst in at the climax of your speech only to see a recording being played and the countdown timer already at 0), you should sip on your Mint Julip and scan the fertile town for any young nubile females with which you can charm with your wealth and convince to repopulate the world anew.
Hey, if you can’t destroy the world, at least you can force them to join you through bottle-neck evolutionary tactics, right?
Anyways, so- I’ve got a Physiology Exam, and thanks to advice from a recent Thread, I’ve been cutting classes and have only gone to 1 of the 12 1.5 hour long lectures. I need an A on this test or at the very least an 80%. What can I do to best maximize my studying time? Oh, and the test is in 5 days. Oh, and there’s a Superbowl that I wish to watch as well. NEED HELP FAST!
Physiology? You have a body, don’t you? So, sneak it into the exam - the physical form is a great cheatsheet when answering questions about the physical form.
Time is running backwards! I need help ten minutes ago, literaly.
TLDR
The Discrepancy between my posting ( i.e. not reading their posts and not addressing their issues,hostile posting style, and inserting NSFW links without warning) and and my elaborate signature is causing me to be pitted on a regular basis, need advice fast
Hoping this message finds you in good health,
A Humble servant to you and your brethren,
Warmest wishes and kisses,
And say hi to Marge for me
As always
Will
p.s kittens
Spend a day reading youtube and imdb comments, that should convince you to follow proper posting etiquette.
No it’s not, it’s just your brain that is stuck on rewind. To reboot, stick your tongue into the closest electrical outlet.
There’s damn kids on my lawn. How to get rid of them? Need answer fast.
Put on a scary clown outfit and stalk outside. You could purge the whole neighborhood, if you find another 12 willing souls.
Need answer fast!
I was fishing and when all the fish floated to the surface after the explosion something fifty feet long broke water. It attacked my boat and sunk it. It’s been eating my fish for 15 minutes now. How do I get it to stop eating my fish? How do I recover my boat? I can take a picture with my cellphone of where my boat sank if it will help.
Punch the giant fish hard, on the nose, and say very firmly, “No! No, bad fish!” Glare at it if you must. That should do the trick. As to finding your boat, just give me your coordinates and I’ll make a report to the Coast Guard for you.
This woman and I are living in a really nice garden. We like it a lot. The only rule is that we can’t eat any of the fruit from the tree in the middle of it. Well, you guessed it, we went and ate some (it’s the snake’s fault, really!). Now Management is pissed. What should we do? Need answer fast.
Whatever you do, for the love of Management, don’t procreate!
I sold some wine before it’s time. What should I do to fix this? Need answer fast!
Tell them their $2 bottle of plonk will actually be the equivalent of a $10,000 bottle, if they can only refrain from drinking it for 10 years. That should give you time to sell the rest of your stock and liquidate the business.
I think a fellow Doper might fancy me but I don’t want to upset him by telling him I am not gay, any suggestions to let him down gently?
Out him on the boards!Accuse him of molesting you. Then call the police.
How can you make a sharp rock climbers grappling hook safely “catch” a baby dropped from a cliff face?
What is a polite way to tell women who insist on bringing their babies when they rock climb, that cliffs and ravines are no place for babies?
Need answer fast.
While she’s not watching, sever every rope that you have. Oops! Faulty equipment, can’t climb today.
I accidentally my nose. What should I do? Need answer fast.
You accidentally your nose what.
My advice is to find a verb.
Tell Pat that you want to buy a verb, cause that’s what’s happening.
I’m upstairs having wild, passionate sex with Angelina Jolie, and I hear my wife coming in the front door. What should I do? Need answer (and to “finish”) fast.
If you can do all that, and still post on the Dope, you don’t need our help.
I’m “hunka hunka burnin’ lovin’” a long retirement after years in show biz and a lot of hard living, and now some nosy tabloid reporter seems to be on my trail. I’d just as soon stay out of the public eye and not have to run away in my blue suede shoes. What should I do? Need answer fast. Thankyew, thankyewverramuch.
Go to Vegas. Nobody will find you in the crowd.
Need help fast!
Someone has pilfered my gnome collection. I went to add the Eskimo gnome and found some had been purloined. They took every last one of my Wizard of Gnome collection, but left the ruby slippers. I think there is monkey poo on the ground. What can I do?