Umbrellas and hats? Pffffft. That’s for sissies. Tough it out, Tippecanoe, and give just as long a speech as you have to. Talk by the hour, if you’ve got a lot of important stuff to say (and I’m sure you do). Remember, in a job like yours it’s the effect upon the citizenry, and not your own health, that counts.
I run a major agricultural operation that’s fallen on hard times. A war, regional upheaval, the loss of most of my labor force, etc. You don’t want to know. Long story short, there’s this man I’ve always deeply loved, but I can’t seem to help driving him away. Now he says he doesn’t care what happens to me (although he put it a bit more pungently than that - shocking language, really). What am I to do? Need answer fast.
Frankly, I don’t give a damn about your problems.
Look we landed on a planet because we located a distress signal there… Now one of my landing party members has this face hugger thingy and he’s in sick bay right now, unconcious. I’m a bit worried about having this xenomorph on our ship. What to do, need answer fast.
Activate the nuclear self destruct and launch the alien into orbit. There’s only one way to be positive.
I just flew through jetwash on a training flight and am now in a flat spin. What the heck should I do? And why is there a “balance exceeded” warning light on the HUD?
Eject! Eject! But make sure your reo waits until the damn canopy is clear this time. Goddamit, I want somebody’s ass, now!
What does it mean when your urine comes out black and thick like snot? Need answer fast!
Why would you need a fast answer to that question?
My mom died and this guy - who may or may not be my dad - is taking care of me. He just drives around the Plains states selling engraved Bibles. He’s a con artist, I just realized, who preys on grief-stricken people. Now he’s taken up with this screechy woman who likes me as little as I like her. This sucks. How can I turn my life around? Need answer fast.
Well, you could roll over to the authorities and tip them off to where your dad and the screechy woman will be, whereupon the law will cut them down with a hail of bullets in a slow-motion, almost balletic scene.
Oh, wait, that’s for people who drive around the Plains and rob banks.
Here’s my question. I’m a teenager and accidentally knocked up my girlfriend. Her mother is pretty well-known around here (she’s the governor) and everyone expects us to get married. Meanwhile I’ve dropped out of high school and am working on my GED. I don’t even want a girlfriend at this point, let alone a wife and kid. How do I get out of this?
I’ve just woken up from ten years of suspension and for some reason went through puberty in the process. Now I’ve got all these strange urges AND I’m supposed to be in charge cuz the boss died. What do I do?! Need answer fast!
Strange urges huh? Call me on 555 7692, I have just the thing you need.
My girlfriend and I, plus another couple took the week off college and went to an abandoned cabin in the woods. I found a book in the basement called the necronomi-something, and read a few passages out loud.
Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea because I can hear things outside trying to get in. They don’t sound very happy or very human. What to do? Need answer fast!
Gather everyone up in one room and then tell them that you forgot your glasses in the car and really need them. Tell everyone to sit tight until you get back. Go to the closet in the back room. In the ceiling you’ll see a loose tile. Move it aside and climb into the crawlspace. Wait at least 2 hours after the screams have stopped. Exit the building and never admit that you were there.
My high school football team is losing by 5 points with 1 second left. We are 70 yards away from a touchdown, and the state championship is on the line. I am literally 1 second away from saying “Hike!”… WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Kick the ball into touch and admit the better team won.
I have a neighbour who lives in a shoe, who has so many children she doesn’t seem to know what to do. Should I phone the CPS, or take over some tinned goods to try and help out?
Move to France. There your crime passionnel will be excused by a very understanding judge.
Took the day off work to indulge in a little R 'n R. Mainly hookers and blow, if you know what I mean. By ‘hookers’ I mean ladies of the night who will perform certain sexual services in exchange for cash, and by ‘blow’, I mean columbian cocaine. Great now that’s clear, anyway the boss dropped over to my place to check on me because he was concerned and he found me on all fours in a leather ball gag and two chicks riding me like a bronco. He’s standing here speechless. Need a good excuse and I need it FAST!
My co-worker left his computer unattended and the web browser open to that damn message board he’s on all the time. What should I do? Quick, his meeting’s gonna end any second!
Quick, start another thread in which he admits to enjoying felching goats!
This mad scientist I know invented a time machine, which he put into a sports car. Long story short, now I’m stuck in the Fifties with my then-hawt mom and my future dad, who’s an even bigger dweeb than I suspected. My place in the universe is at stake. My hands are fading out of existence before my very eyes - help! Need answer fast!
Your problem has much to do about nothing. I suggest you just fade out of her life and let them get back together. That will solve their problem and thus yours. Theoretically you should just pop back into existence.
Need answer fast!
My fiancee’s father’s farm had a meteor strike one night. The crops and animals have grown quit huge. The old guy in a bit touched in the head and scares us all. The pigs he raises in a shed are the size of elephants. I’m stuck in the rafters with his daughter and the pigs are knocking down the shed. What can we do to save ourselves?
The Biology Department of Miskatonic University awaits your call. Don’t delay - call today!
Until recently I was a powerful executive with the world at my feet, a giant jet to take me wherever I wanted, and an enormous staff that would slavishly obey my every whim. Now I’m stuck in a new house (smaller than the one I was just in), practically alone, unpacking boxes while my wife goes out to every luncheon and charitable event in Dallas. No one returns my calls anymore. My life sucks. What should I do? Need answer fast.
