The Importance of Being Gandalf-LotR spin-offs

For Tolkien fans, here are some spin-off films related to LotR. Please feel free to add your own!

:slight_smile: AreYouGonnaEatThat? aka “Texas-hobbit”

Elves Don’t Cry–explains Legolas’ inability to openly grieve as well as revealing his true gender.

The Importance of Being Gandalf—a classic ‘mistaken identity’ film, offering a merry mix-up of Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, etc.

Arsenic and Old Lembas—Hilarious, but shocking story of Legolas’ two crazy aunts, who try to poison Elrond.

Weekend at Saruman’s–Merry and Pippin are invited to a party at Orthanc, but are determined not to let their host’s untimely death spoil their chances with the babes.

**Balrog on a Hot Tin Roof–**a closer look at the sultry, sexier side of the Balrog.

**North By Northwest…or Is It East…or Over That Ridge???----**Frodo and Sam wish they’d taken a better look at that map before leaving Rivendell.

Throw Saruman From the Train–reveals Wormtongue’s secret plot against Saruman.

Mary Pippin–Pippin takes a new name after his secret life as a cross dresser is revealed to all the Shire.

**Grease! [In My Hair, On My Face…]–**a lighthearted musical starring Lurtz, the Uruk-hai, who turns out to be a surprisingly talented dancer/singer.

One Flew Over the Wizard’s Nest–revealing portrait of the life and times of Gwaihir, the Windlord.

National Lampoon’s Vacation-Meandering Through Mordor----The hapless Griswold family, heading for Laguna Beach, somehow hits a time warp and ends up in Mordor. Never realizing their danger, through a series of bumbling mishaps and ridiculous predicaments, they unknowingly aid Frodo and Sam by distracting (and exasperating) the Lidless Eye. The family is so irritating to everyone in Middle E., that an unprecedented alliance is formed between Gandalf, Saruman and Sauron. Using all the magic at their disposal, the three finally manage to send the Griswolds back to their own time.

Soylent Lembas–After Charlton Heston appears to them in a dream, Frodo and Sam discover the horrific truth about the source of the tasty Elven treat.

Hobbits of the Corn–years after the War, hobbit children begin murdering anyone who reaches the age of 33

**O Glorfindel, Where Art Thou?—**a documentary in which disappointed movie fans conduct a search for the missing elf. He is later discovered playing in a bluegrass band, having amnesia and a mysterious lump on the back of his head. It is suspected that Arwen, wanting more screen time, may have had something to do with his disappearance.

Breakfast at Butterbur’s—a comedy in which the Fellowship returns to The Prancing Pony. Merry falls in love with a Audrey Hepburn look-alike.

Support Your Local Wizard—Gandalf goes West to help his friend, James Garner, after he is wounded by a gun-totin’ young whipper-snapper.

The Secret Life of Frodo Mitty–Frodo becomes known as a fraud throughout Hobbiton when it is discovered that the events described in his book are merely daydreams.

**Who’s Afraid of Ms. Sauron Woolf?–**sympathy is created for Sauron as this film tells the bitter story of his abusive, alcoholic wife.

Mr. Holland’s ORC-estra—After the Great War, Frodo’s cousin, Freeto, a hobbit music teacher, attempts to help the outcast Orcs’ children develop their music skills. Things come to a violent end when Freeto uses one of the orc’s head for a drum and the orc reacts badly.

The Seven-Year Itch—After seven years of marriage, Sam gets restless and contemplates an affair with a new hobbit in town, who bears an uncanny resemblence to Marilyn Monroe.

Dial M for Moria—Film-noir about a mysterious phone call which Gandalf receives, warning him of his fate should he enter the mines of Moria.

The Grapes of (ring)Wraiths—Sad tale of the descendents of the Nazgul. Exiled from Middle-Earth, they struggle to make ends meet in the vineyards of Lower-Earth.

Dances With Wargs—Sam’s great-grandson, appalled by the generally poor treatment of Middle-Earth’s misunderstood populations, chooses to live among them and defend their rights.

My Fair Hobbit–After the War ends, Gandalf takes on Sam as a project, determined to improve his grammer and social graces.

Cool Hand Legolas–the title says it all

**Lady and the Tramp—**A remake, starring Arwen and Aragorn

**Beauty and the Beast—**A remake starring Legolas and Gimli
**When Legolas Met Gimli—**Fans of the above film will not want to miss this one. Directed by Billy Crystal, with a cameo by Meg Ryan.

Forrest Stump—A woodsman accidently cuts off one of Treebeard’s arms. This touching film chronicles the many accomplishments he is able to achieve, despite his handicapping condition.

Sister Act II:Back in the Hobbit—On the way to Mordor, Frodo and Sam are forced to hide out for awhile with an order of Gondorian nuns. Out of boredom, Frodo works to improve the nuns’ orchestra, who are using harmonicas, tin whistles and flutephones. Much excitement ensues when Sam heads a fund-raising drive to purchase proper orchestral instruments just in time for the Pope’s visit. The Pope (played by Howard Shore) is so impressed by the nuns’ talent, he hires them to do the score of a new movie he’s working on.

**Sam Soup— ** A dark comedy, written, directed and produced by Gollum (after spending an evening watching Groucho Marx films on AMC). Sam’s worst fears come true when he awakens from a nap to find himself bound and stewing in his own cookpot as Gollum gleefully adds salt and pepper.

Frodo Got Fingered—A bootleg film of scenes which were cut due to censorship. The censors thought the scene of the strip-down and full body search of Frodo by the Orcs in the Tower of Cirith Ungol was too ‘risque’ for PG-13.

Rosemary’s Balrog–A horror flick, “prequel”. Gives the backstory on how the Balrog came to be.

**Whatever Happened to Baby Balrog?–**A continuation of Rosemary’s Balrog, following him into adulthood.

Some Like it Hotter—the tender story of the childhood friendship between the Balrog and Smaug (Bilbo’s dragon). Following Smaug’s death, the Balrog retreats into the depths of Moria to grieve, eventually becoming embittered towards all Hobbits and their friends.

Horsefeathers—[one of the last movies produced by Bob Hope Films] Resenting being sent away from the Mines of Moria, Bill the pony betrays Sam’s trust by telling the Crebain from Dunlands exactly where the Fellowship is headed.

Jay and Silent Bill Strike Back—the first “Bill” film was so successful, that a sequel followed. In this immature farce, the Crebain introduce Bill the pony to a blue-jay gone bad. The pair experience a series of humorous mishaps and comical predicaments as they attempt to thwart Sam and the Fellowship on their mission. Expect low-brow humor but lots of laughs.

Pippin Scared Stupid—Wandering alone through ME, Ernest (Jim Varney) is the first to discover Pippin, frozen in fear after peering into the Palantir. He notices a sticker on the bottom of the stone saying, “If found, return to Saruman”. Always willing to help, Ernest takes the seeing stone and sets out towards Orthanc . However, disaster is avoided when Gandalf awakens in the nick of time and stops him. Pippin and Ernest are humiliated when Gandalf yells, “BOTH of you, throw yourselves into the pits of Moria so we can be rid of your stupidity!”

The Second Breakfast Club—A poignant film portraying the angst of Elven teenagers (under 1,868 years old). Two of Elrond’s troubled nephews and some of their misfit friends earn Sat. detention at Rivendell High. Although seemingly sullen and alienated from Elvish society [they are short, clumsy, can’t walk on snow or shoot arrows), the day spent together serves to purge them of their insecurities and paranoid complexes.

**Saving Private Pippin—**Extended scenes of the search for Pippin, (who lies buried beneath the Troll) on the battlefields before the Black Gates.

Never Say Nazgul Again–set in modern England, James Bond is portrayed by Merry; Eowyn is his romantic interest as they battle evil forces taking over Upper-Earth.

The Thin Man II—this is actually an info-mercial, produced by Gollum, in which he he shares his weight-loss methods. It can be seen during the wee hours of the morning, right after Ron Popiel.

A Fish Called Wanda—a sentimental children’s film. Gollum becomes a vegan after a tal king fish he intends to eat saves his life in the Forbidden Pool.

**While You Were Sleeping II–**Audiences get to find out what Gollum was up to each time he left Frodo/Sam napping.

Take the Ring and Run–after seeing FotR,Woody Allen thinks he can do a better job than PJ.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Crispy Bacon—This spoof combines live action and animation. While at Rivendell, Pippin’s incessant hunger drives him to sneak into Elrond’s pantry. His little tummy is full at last after he gorges on everything in sight. That night, he suffers a monstrous case of indigestion (there are no TUMS in Middle Earth). He has terrifying nightmares in which giant tomatoes, strips of bacon, cabbages and broken carrots chase him around Farmer Maggot’s fields.

Fried Green Tomatoes (& Crispy Bacon)—Merry moves to the southern regions of the Shire and opens a soul-food restaurant. He hires Sam as chief cook and Pippin serves as official taster-of-new-recipes.

The Orc-Bow Incident–shows deleted scenes from the killing of Boromir by the Uruk-hai.

** I Know What You Did Last Summer and the Summer Before That and the Summer Before That One, Too**–In this thriller, long before Gandalf returns with the news about the true identity of the One Ring, the Lidless Eye begins monitoring Frodo. His paranoid behavior causes his friends to worry that he is developing a psychological disorder, as he constantly complains, “I’m being watched! I can feel it!”

Shelob’s Web–An animated children’s film which tells the little-known story of how Tolkien draws inspiration from a small spider who lives on the side porch of his home. As he works, the spider sneaks a peek over his shoulder and is horrified to learn the intended fate of Gollum. She begins a campaign to save Gollum by weaving messages into her web. ‘Terrific Gollum ’ and ‘Radiant Gollum’ are just a few of the miraculous missives she produces. Sadly, even though Tolkien is impressed by the little spider’s efforts, her desperate attempts are ignored in the final draft of the book.

The Nazgul Always Ring Twice–Steamy mystery in which a not-so-innocent Rosie Cotton conspires with the Witch-King to murder Sam.

Elf Trek: First Contact Captian Jean-Luc Eärendil of the U.S.S. Silmarilprize and his crew must go back in time to prevent the evil Sauorg from stopping the elves’ first contact with the Edain.

The Hobbit-trix Middle-Earth as you know it is an illusion generated by artificially intelligent magic rings, who are keeping all the creatures of Middle Earth in the real world and using them for energy. Frodo learns that he is “the one” from Gandpheous, who teaches him to free his mind to combat the manifistation of the ring, Agent Sauron.

Nazgul - The Next Generation - 80 yrs in the future, a new generation of ring wraiths continue the saga. Vulcans look like elves, ya know?

The Good, The Bad, The Gimli - third in a series, the story of a dwarf for hire in the old westron parts of Middle Earth.

Everybody Loves Feanor - the wacky hijinks in the most famous of famous families. Hilarious and poignant.

I Love Luthien - Classic comedy from the Second Age.

Entmoot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Ring Wars: The Phantom Menace
Anakin Baggins (AKA Darth Sauron) was actuallly a nice kid once.

Ring Wars: The Attack Of The Clones
Anakin is slowly corrupted as he learns how to clone Orcs. Steamy love scenes between him and Luthien.

Ring Wars: A New Hope
Frodo Baggins and Sam Solo rescue Princess Arwen from the evil clutches of Darth Sauron.

(Prequel)Harry Baggins And The Gold Ring
Harry Baggins. Frodo’s great-grand uncle, enlists in a school for wizards run by Dumbledor… er, I mean Magneto… no wait I meant Gandalf.

A Middle-Earth Christmas Story
Sauron’s mother’s prediction that “You’ll put your eye out with that,” come true.

Being Frodo Baggins - Gollum accidently discovers a portal into Frodo’s head. After 15 minutes of seeing, hearing, feeling everything Frodo’s feels, Gollum ends up at Isengard.

In the Heat of the Shire - when a vacationing giant happens to stumble upon an inter-species murder and cover-ups his unlikely ally becomes grumpy hobbit BillyBo Took as they solve the crime.

They Call Me MISTER Bombadil- in the sequel, Tom returns to find out his river has been stolen.

Sauron’s Sunset Once the greatest evil wizard of all-time, a now pathetic Sauron holes himself in a lavish gothic castle with his spooky butler, Saurumon, and a down-on-his luck elf as he plans a comeback.

Elvish Has Left the Building A screwball comedy in which a Hobbit who’s jealous of elves getting all the advantages and an elf who’s jealous of Hobbits for not having to take so long doing their hair and trying on tights magically switch places (thanks in part to a drunken and mischievous Gandalf). Stars Jaime Lee Curtis, Jodie Foster and Ian McKellan.

The Real Shire- a reality show in which a dwarf, an elf, a hobbit, an Orc and a Wise One, all teenaged with great egos and greater buns, agree to live together for several months and have their lives recorded (on vellum).

I LOVE LUTHIEN-Gandalf finally ties the knot with a high spirited elven princess who unfortunately is always wanting to get into his magic act. Wacky landords Freddo and Aethelwin are constantly around for hijinks, such as when Gandalf must cast a new spell based on a hobbit legend or when Cesar Romero comes to dinner.

I see the OP was pasted here pretty intact from this site. Who wrote it originally?

AreYouGonnaEatThat? aka “Texas-hobbit” of course!

Kill Bill - In this alternate history period movie, Bill the Pony bited off Frodo’s finger and ring and went on the rampage, killing Gandalf, Sam, Boromoir, Aragorn, Merry, Pippin, Glimi and Frodo. Legolas suffered a kick in the head and went into a coma for three years. Three years later, Legolas awake and swears revenge, after getting a Katana from a Eastering swordsmaster…

I knew what you did in the last Age - A mysterious Elf has been harnassing Galadriel, reminding her of the Kinslaying of the last Age. Who is this mysterious Elf? And why are her close friends around her dying left and right?

Runes - Maggot the farmer woke up one day to find strange, arachic runes burnt within his wheat field…

Requiem for a Ring - How Biblo cried over the Ring of Power

Maid in Rivendell - A take on the love story between Arwen and Aragorn by a bard-playwright in the Sixth Age of Middle-Earth. Arwen was a beautiful, but mistreated, Elvish maid in the grand resting place.

Yes, Qad., I wasn’t even aware of this board (which I’m finding to be very interesting!), but a friend who is a SD regular asked to me post this here, since for some reason that site is blocked from his work. I pretty much pasted it in as it was. You all have added some really humorous titles to the original ones. :slight_smile:

He also asked me to post a Seinfeld parody I did in one of the SD threads called something like “What if another author had written Lord of the Rings?”, but I haven’t been able to find that thread. It’s a rather lengthy mock script. Not sure I’ll have enough time to figure out why my efforts at searching haven’t been successful.

Thanks for checking, though. The new contributions have made me laugh.

Queer Eye for the Uruk Hai

Here you go: If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

not sure why nobody else thought of this one, perhaps it was just too easy, but…

The Ring II - A mysterious ring is corrupting anyone who wears it. When the victim puts it on, he hears a creepy voice whispering “I See You!” When a young wizard gets involved, it becomes a race against time to figure out what the ring has to do with a tragedy-stricken horse kingdom and a strange creature named Gollum.

and there’s also a few others i can think of…

Hobbit, Interrupted - Sam attempts suicide and ends up in a mental hospital, befriending the other residents and falling in with a wild hobbit known only as “Bolgy”. Will Sam try to recuperate and get out, or end up a lifer like “Bolgy”?

Blazing Staddle - A small town near Bree is the way of Saruman’s Trans-Anorian Railroad, so he sends his minions to coerce the townsfolk into moving. The townsfolk, all of whom seem to be called Heathertoes, are confused and hostile to the newly appointed sheriff, the first Orc sheriff in the West Kingdom.

Gondor with the Wind - Eowen can deal with her nation being at war, but when the tall and stately Aragorn rides into her neck of the plains, she falls for him instantly. Aragorn already has plans to marry Arwen though! Eowen doesn’t realize that Faramir is in the room when she begs Aragorn to marry her instead of Arwen. A long period of moping and riding off to battle ensues, but she ends up recognizing Faramir as her true love after recovering from a nasty knock to the head by the Witch-King.

A Beautiful Mine - Esteemed naturalist Tom Bombadil visits Moria and becomes entangled in a conspiracy with a balrog. When he comes out he tells tales of his trip, leaving the rest of the world believing him to be quite insane. Only his wife Goldberry can help him overcome his condition in this story of internal struggle and overcoming challenges.

What Hobbits Want - Gandalf is a wizard who thinks he’s God’s gift to Middle Earth, until one day an accident gives him the ability to hear what the good people of Middle Earth are really thinking. He retires to the Shire to learn some humility and get in touch with his inner halfling.

that’s all i can come up with off the top of my head, i’ll see if i can think of any more later.

Biblo Baggins and the Arkenstone Under the Mountain