I can’t believe it. I just got off the phone, and I just can’t believe it.
My grandfather wrote a book. He had it published himself, and now he wants to sell it online. He doesn’t know anything about the internet, and asked me to build him a web site. I once clumsily built a “personal home page” for myself, so I thought I could do it, but said I’d need to learn a lot more about web design to make it look professional. My grandmother saw a commercial for the Internet Toolkit, starring the sidekick from * Home Improvement. * She thought she’d help me out, and paid fifty bucks for it.
Well, I opened the thing today, and was a little puzzled by the contents. I glanced over the manual, but it didn’t seem to be about building web sites; it was just vague marketing info. Hmm, I thought, all of the site-building tools must be on the disk. Next, I came across an Earthlink disk. Sometimes they require you to use their browser, so I decided to call them and ask them if I had to install the disk before running the program. They had called me a few days earlier and given me a 1-800 number, saying that they’d walk me though the whole process when I was ready to start.
I called and was handed over to a guy named Jason. He was a very verbose man, and I must have listened to him talk much but say little for about five minutes. I got the impression that he was using “big words” so I’d think he knew what the hell he was talking about. And instead of talking about building a web site, he was talking about marketing, how confusing and hard it was and how I would spend enormous amounts money buying internet ads, and trying to get traffic on my site. Much time and tears I would spend if I tried to “do it on my own.”
He said that he needed to make a profile of me so that he could match me to the perfect mentor who would help me through the whole process. Great, I thought, someone who will help me build this damn thing. I decided to play along. He then started asking me questions about my income, my husband’s, our financial situation, our credit history, etc., saying that he needed to know my financial goals, and “where I stand now.” Since I hadn’t given him my full name or any other identifying details I answered them cautiously, thinking that maybe this did have a purpose that was unapparent to my untrained eye. I pointed out that this is just something I’m doing as a favor for my grandfather, and he said that that might be so, but I still wanted to make money, right? “Uhm, yeah . . .” I said.
Then he dropped the bomb. After describing how successful I would be (and all but promising I would be in the next infomercial) and how much work they would be doing for me, he said that he needed an investment from me. We would leverage our credit. Don’t ask me how, or why, but that’s what the man said. I was so appalled by the idea that I stopped him right there and didn’t get the rest of the details. “I don’t want to be in an infomercial. And I don’t want to leverage my credit for my grandfather’s pet project. I just want to build a web site.”
He asked if he could speak to my husband. I said that my husband wouldn’t like the idea any more than I did. I stressed again that I was just doing this as a favor for my grandpa, and I didn’t necessarily expect tremendous sales since no one has ever heard of him, or particularly cares what he thinks about the government. I * just want to build a web site and would like a little help. * “Well, have your grandfather call me,” he said.
Yeah. Right. I’m putting the fucking thing back in the box, and returning it.