The Authorized edition. 
(Actually, M.E. Buckner’s is really funny, but I was halfway through mine and didn’t want it to go to waste.)
The Scene: A park. A young gay tough (he’s wearing an earring and a hankie is hanging out of his back pocket, so he MUST be gay) is engaged in another night of Straight-Bashing. The young gay tough (Trey) is kicking a Christian, Biff who is lying on the ground. In the distance, two figures can be seen pointing at the incident.
Panel 1: The two older men rush up to stop the Straight-Bashing. One is Dan: a balding, heavyset guy. He’s got a beard, moustache…the classic “Bear” look…like Merlin Olsen from his “Little House on the Prarie” days. He’s wearing a leather harness across his bare chest, leather chaps over his torn jeans and is wearing work boots. He’s also wearing one of those hats like the Skipper wore on Gillian’s Island, but it’s also made of leather. The other guy is Bruce. Short, skinny, blonde wearing a paisley shirt and a cravat. Classic “twink” look.
Dan: <pointing at Trey> What’s all this! You! I’ve seen you at the Young Gay Males Association youth center!
Bruce: <hands on hips> I an so upset with you! You make me want to give you such a pinch! This is not how we recruit for our lifestyle! This is not how we undermine the AMERICAN Way of Life. This is not how we recruit Christians! I am tho mad at you that I could just thpit!
Panel 2: Trey, cocky little snot that he is, is defiant. Hands on hips he leans forward to argue with Dan and Bruce. Tight camera shot of Trey
Travis: You don’t understand! He said he was a Christian! Our mission is to destroy Christians. YOU SAID SO YOURSELF at one of our secret meetings!!
Panel 3: Dan and Bruce are shocked.
Dan: Yes, of course we wish to destroy Christianity with our lifestyle choice. Do you not understand? We will not do it with Christian Bashing? Do you not remember our motto: “Love the man, hate the Christian?” We must reach out to them and subevert them.
Bruce: I, personally, support the “Pollute their precious bodily fluids” method mythelf.
Dan: Now you go and watch as I show you how it’s supposed to be done. Bruce, keep an eye on him.
Panel 4: Dan helps up Biff. They sit on a park bench.
Dan: I am sorry that you were roughed up. I have spoken harshly with those people who have done it.
Biff: I am a Christian, so I will turn the other cheek, but I would like to kick their backsides! My name is Biff. [sub]I don’t know why homosexuals try to bash us Christians all the time.[/sub]
Dan: And I am Dan. I am gay myself.
Panel 5: Biff’s eyes are very wide. He draws himself back a bit.
Biff: You are homosexual? I find that repellent [sub]and yet somehow strangely arousing![/sub].
Biff: This must be why we don’t want you people teaching in the schools. When we know that you are homosexual, we become…[sub]aroused[/sub]. But the bible says…
Panel 6: Dan smiles. He’s been waiting for this.
Dan: The Bible says “Any tree that doesn’t bring forth good fruits shall be hewn down” and “By their fruits you shall know them” right?[sup]*[/sup]
Biff: Y…yes
Dan: Well, what group of people are called “fruits”? Do you want to be hewn down because you aren’t a good “fruit”?
[sup]*[/sup][sub]Matthew 7, 17-20[/sub]
Panel 7: Biff is shocked, but clearly intrigued. He doesn’t notice (or mind) Dan’s hand on his thigh.
Biff: I am shocked, but clearly intrigued. Please go on.
Dan: I will level with you. I am currently recruiting you for the Gay Lifestyle.
Biff: But what benefits will I get if I make this choice?
Panel 8: Close-up of Dan looking very sincere
Dan: First, you won’t have to suffer all the anti-Christian bigotry that you currently do. You will get to go to all the good parties and live a promiscuous and liscentious lifestyle.
Biff: That sounds good! What else?
Dan: You will be given a membership ring in the Gay Mafia (which also fuctions as a secret decoder), you will join our hivemind, since all of us think, feel and believe the same way and, of course, you will be able to live the safe, protected life of a Gay man in America!
Panel 9: Dan adjusts Biff’s wrist so that it hands limply from his arm
Dan: How does this feel?
Biff: Sooo…relaxing and loose! I feel so…FREE! I want to join. I have made my lifestyle choice! Where do I sign up?
Panel 10: Bruce, Chad and Trey have returned. Chad is carrying a large radio. Trey is holding out his hand towards Biff.
Trey: I was wrong to try to beat gayness into you. I now know that the proper way to recruit Christians is with subversion, love and reason. I am sorry for what I did
Biff: Oh don’t be thilly, girl! Give us a kiss!
Chad: Let us have one of our exciting Gay Parties that Christians don’t get to go to!
Panel 11: BIG panel, croweded with many colorful people. It looks like a combination of Fire Island and the Village People movie. Everyone’s dancing. Bruce and Dan can be seen dancing. Biff has transformed somehow and is now wearing a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a cowboy hat. A hanky is hanging out of his back pocket. He’s dancing with his new friend Trey. A happy ending!
Chad’s Boom-box: <playing>**
Oh not I,
I will survive
As Long as I know how to love,
I know I’ll be alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
I will survive,
I will survive
Yeah, yeah!**
