Thanks to the ever-groovy Yosemitebabe for being the first to bring this up! This one’s for YOU, YB!
Title: Abortion: Murder of an Innocent…or something MORE?
Panel 1: Consuella, a suburban Hispanic girl in her late teens is holding her tummy. Tears are running down her face. Outside, through an open window is a gardner, mowing the yard.
*Consuella <crying>: I’m pregnant! If ONLY I had read those tracts that talked about waiting 'till marriage. THEN I wouldn’t be in this mess! What am I going to do? I am a devout Catholic. <resolved tone of voice> I will have the baby and put it up for adoption. That is the correct choice for me! It will be difficult, but it’s the right thing to do for both me and my unborn baby. *
Sound effect: knock! KNOCK!
Consuella: Why, whoever could that be?
Panel 2: The gardener, strangely clean for someone doing yardwork and Aryan is at the door. His hat is being twisted in his hands, yet he has a strange, determined expression on his face
Gardener: Miss Consuella, I couldn’t help overhearing you. You can’t be serious about bearing this child!
Consuella <confused>: Why…yes! I am! Why shouldn’t I?
Gardener: Bearing Children saves a living murderer!
Panel 3: Consuella collapses into an overstuffed chair. She’s as stunned as a pig hit by a ball-peen hammer at what the Gardener has said
Consuella <shocked>: WHAT?!
Gardener: You are a Christian of some sort. Isn’t that right, Miss Consuella?
Consuella: Why…yes I am!
Gardener: Don’t you know that 70% of all murderers are Christians? By having this baby, you stand a SEVENTY PERCENT CHANCE of spawning a murderer! And Christians start all wars over small pieces of land! Do you want to spawn a WARMONGER?!
*Panel 4: Mr Iodine, the gardener is standing over Consuella. He has a stern look on his face. Tears are running down Consuella’s face. *
Gardener: Who knows anything about biology? Not you and your stupid, stupid mind! A fetus is not a human being. It is not a counciouss being, it cannot comprehend it’s own existence, it cannot even comprehend pain! The reason that a fetus reacts when it is poked or why it kicks is simply a spinal reaction, it has nothing to do with it being alive. Many things with spines are not alive. Books have spines as to many varieties of quartz. Neither of them are alive are they? There is a similar premise with seeing a dead person open his eyes of raise his leg. Does that fact that he does such mean he is alive or has come back from the dead? Of course not (unless Plan Nine, where we bring the dead back to life has taken effect…but it hasn’t…YET). It is a muscle reaction (in this case), although the premise is slightly different with a fetus, they are essentially the same. A fetus is about as alive as jello. Have you never heard of a Jelly-Baby? That is what the British, who are silly, and uncultured, unlike I, call fetuses. Jelly-Babies. The correct term is “Jello-Babies”. It is latin. That should convince you!
Panel 4: Consuella is crying. Her face is buried in her hands.
Consuella: Please God! Send a sign! Mr Iodine’s logical arguments sway me! Please help me resist them!
Panel 5: An ANGEL OF THE LORD appears. Strangely, the angel has no face. But it’s surrounded in a nimbus.
Panel 6: It points it’s flaming sword at Consuella:
Angel: Consuella, I have appeared here to help you make your choice. I am the Angel of Depressing Possible Futures! I will show you what the future will be if you don’t change your course!
Panel 7: Consuella is holding a baby. The baby’s eyes are fluttering open
Consuella: Aaw! OO is jus’ the 'ootest thing! I hope you go to a good home. I don’t want to give you up for adoption, but it’s best for both of us.
Panel 8: The nurse is carrying the baby out of the room. The baby’s eyes are open. An evil expression is on the baby’s face. Almost a knowing smirk.
Panel 9: <Months later, back at school> Consuella is walking down a corridor. Throngs of people are mocking Consuella. Literally every person in the corridor is pointing at Consuella. Her shoulders are stooped and there are tears in her eyes.
Student 1: She’s the slut who had the baby!
Student 2: Can you BELIEVE?! She gave it up for adoption! How selfish!
Student 3: And since she’s a Christian, there’s a 70% chance she’s birthed a murderer.
Studenf 4: We hate you Consuella! We hate you!
Panel 10: A sillouetted figure (clearly Consuella) is putting a noose around her neck. She’s standing on a chair.
Consuella: If only I had listened to Mr Iodine the Gardener and had that abortion. I can’t stand it anymore. I just hope baby’s happ…urggggggg!*
Panel 11:<Caption: Junior at age four is a troubled lad> Junior is playing behind the house. He’s holding down a puppy. The puppy is on it’s back and Junior is holding a knife, preparing to stab.
Panel 12: <Caption: Junior in high-school> Junior’s wearing a letter jacket. He’s also drinking and driving. The shot should be over Junior’s shoulder looking out the winshield. A busload of nuns can be seen coming straight at Junior. Junior is taking a swig from a beer bottle.
Panel 13: <Caption: Junior in College> Junior, looking remarkably 1967 for a future sequence is throwing a molotov cocktail at some policemen. There’s a small riot going on around him.
Junior: Down with the facist-oppressor insects! Down with Democracy! Down with World War Two War-Widows!
*Panel 14: <Caption: In college, Junior developed…a DRUG HABIT! To feed the monkey on his back, here’s how he satisfies his addiction> Junior is running out of a bank holding a bag labeled “$$$”. He’s shooting over his shoulder. A very young-looking cop is holding a gun at him. *
Cop: <stuttering> Sss.t.t.op!
Junior: Eat lead, Pig!
Sound effect: Bang!
*Panel 15: <Caption: At his hideout, surrounded by police> Junior is in an old warehouse. He’s shooting down at the cops through a crack in a boarded-up window. *
Police Chief O’Shaunissy: Junior, why ‘n begorrah is a foine, foine lad like yerself doin’ this? Yew’ve killed 27 policemen and over 100 civillians! What would yer mother have said?
Junior: MY MOTHER HATED ME! SHE GAVE ME UP FOR ADOPTION! SHE BROUGHT ME INTO THIS STINKIN’ WORLD! She didn’t like me! She NEVER liked me! Take that pig!
Sound effect: BANG! BANG!
Police Chief: Urk…
Sound effect: thud.
Junior: That was my last bullet, too.
Panel 16: Junior throws himself out of the window, to plunge to his death
Junior: If only I had never been born. How many lives would have been saved? Top of the world, Ma! Aaaaaaaaggggggg.
Sound effect. Splat!
Panel 17: Back to the present. Consuella’s eyes are wide. She says to the Angel and Mr. Iodine, the gardener.
Consuella: I had no idea it would be so bad. I now believe in abortion in all it’s many ways! I am now pro-choice and tomorrow morning, I will go to the family planning clinic of my choice and have this non-living …thing…removed from me!
Angel: This is good. We should all have abortions. As often as possible.
Gardener: Yes. Since fetuses are non-living, we should call abortions “Waste removal” rather than ‘birth control’. Let us all have more abortions!
Angel: And why wait until tomorrow? Many “family planning” clinics are open 24 hours a day! No waiting at all!
Consuella: Thank you both so much for helping me with this hard choice!
Panel 18: The Angel, Mr Iodine the Gardener and Consuella are all very happy. As they look straight at the camera,
They say in unison: Remember: ABORTION STOPS A LIVING MURDERER! Get them before they get you!
Fenris Chick
