Run. Run fast, run far. Get out of there.
I had my doubts about your relationship after your OP. Then I had more serious ones as you posted your responses to people’s questions. At this point, I’m with dahfisheroo on this completely.
This guy is ignoring your needs–which you’ve been pretty clear about, I assume–and he’s neglecting his daughter’s needs, too. You might want to ask yourself whether or not someone who treats you like that is really someone you want to spend your life with. He might be happy to cuddle with you, he might make you laugh like crazy, and he might be irresistibly physically attractive, but he certainly doesn’t seem to respect you or consider your priorities important. I can’t imagine blowing off the needs of anyone I love, and I can’t imagine trying to manipulate anyone I loved when they came to me with a problem they were having. Someone who really loves you treats you, your needs, and the things you really want from life with respect.
Not to mention that you’re going to end up with one very screwed up family if you marry this guy. You’ll end up with an even more screwed up family if you have kids with him. Even if your family dynamics don’t end up in the way dahfisheroo describes, you’re not going to be happy. (And, like dahfisheroo, I’ve seen some pretty dysfunctional blended families that follow the trajectory dahfisheroo discussed.) At the very least, you’re going to end up with a stepdaughter you have a really lousy relationship with, the sight of whom is going to to make your blood pressure rise, and a husband you’ve come to resent enormously. Not a good combination.
Add your own kids to the mix, and you’ll end up in a constant battle against your husband and stepdaughter. In the process of fighting to raise your kids in the way you see as appropriate, you might end up alienating not only your stepchild, but your biological kids, too. It’s hard to feel all that cuddly about any parent who’s so often angry or depressed. And even if you’re not always angry or depressed (though it’s not likely you’d be too happy), the kids will see you as the “harsh” parent and run to their father, who’s a much easier touch, even though you might be the better parent. You won’t like that. (This is a pattern I’ve seen in lots of families, too.) From what you’ve described of your SO’s parenting philosophies, it seems to me that, when you lay down rules, your husband won’t back you up on them. That will undermine your authority, which will make you very, very angry and resentful.
I’d like to ask the same question that dahfisheroo is asking:
Don’t you deserve better?