The joys(?) of being an evil stepmom

In My Humble Opinion
41

[QUOTE=Maureen]
Of course she was happy. She sees this as a win. Even if he does foist her off on his parents, you taking yourself out of the equation still sends the message that you’re not going to enable his bs anymore. Have you talked with his parents about this? These are your prospective inlaws. I’m sure princess is painting mean ol’ lezlers in a not very nice light to them. Take your future mom in law to lunch, feel her out about it. Tell her you don’t want to come between him and his daughter, but you feel like maybe he’s using you (both) to avoid dealing with his daughter. Which he obviously is.
Well…she’s wanting for her father’s love. She thinks. He loves her, he’s just clueless about how to deal with her. And when she has real trouble in about 6 years, he’s going to wonder why she’s having so much trouble. He isn’t doing either of them any good.

I feel for you; the situation sucks.
[/QUOTE]

His mother caters to his every whim. Just as she caters to his daughter’s every whim. Then she complains that they’re both spoiled and honestly does not see the connection.

She knows he takes advantage of her and she doesn’t care. She’s the type that likes to feel needed. She’ll actually call and ask when we’re going to have her and when we do have her, she’ll keep calling asking if we need to drop her off or if she needs a bath, ect. I had to go to a conference one weekend so I had to leave at 6:00 am Sat and Sun. He leaves for work around 7 am. She actually came over at 6:45 to sit with his daughter until she woke up, then took her home. Unbelievable.

Also, as far as connecting with her one on one about the situation goes, she’s always the one thats provided the mothering to his daughter when she visited (before I came along) so I think she sees me as a little bit of a threat on that front. Not to mention that she sees me as a big threat on the “taking away my baby boy!” front.

I guess it’s because I truly think his refusal to discipline stems from the whole “guilty weekend dad” syndrome and that if he was a full time parent he wouldn’t be so passive. Wishful thinking, probably.

42

How long has he been split from his wife? Are you his first girlfriend since the divorce?

That’s scary. Because it means your boyfriend probably thinks this is a good way to be in a family.

The birthday party trip? He should have apologized for not giving better directions and thanked you for taking the time to drive her. In fact he should be extremely appreciative that you’re caring for Princess on his visitation weekends. Are you getting any of that from him? If not, maybe the problem isn’t just with Princess. Is he as spoiled as she is?

43

[QUOTE=lezlers]
The girl is not wanting for love, that’s for sure.
[/QUOTE]

Like hell she’s not. She’s got two parents who don’t discipline her-mom’s a psycho and Daddy’s too selfish to bother spending time with her and too lazy to CARE enough to discipline her, so he pawns her off on others.

No wonder she’s such a brat.

44

It bothers me that you say that she gets lots of love. The problem here, at least on your end, is that she doesn’t get anything much in the way of dad love, which is a real and serious situation. You must know that girls that don’t have real relationships with their dads don’t do well in life, generally speaking. And it doesn’t sound to me that she’s getting much real love from mom, either. Sure, she gets stuff and catering, but deep down she knows perfectly well that that is not love.

As dad’s live-in girlfriend, you have very little power. You aren’t a step-mom, and from her POV, you’re not only an intruder and the person she gets stuck with because her dad won’t spend time with her, there’s the possibility that you might vanish at any time. You’re also a good safe person to vent all this frustration on. You haven’t got the authority of a family member or even a teacher.

I’m not you, and I realize that you’re madly in love with this guy (though from this thread it’s hard to tell just why he’s such a great catch), but the fact is that I would not marry or have children with a man who shirks his responsibilities like this. It will not get any better once you marry him; any change will have to come first. Love is not enough to make a good marriage; love can die if it doesn’t get enough support. There have to be other things, like respect and responsibility and unselfishness and generally being a grown-up. I do hope that you can work this out and have a happy relationship, but this is absolutely not something that will go away or get better on its own. It is a serious indication of your boyfriend’s character and of what you will be getting yourself into.

45

This might not be entirely her fault. Who said a kid is supposed to be jumping for joy because dad has a new girlfriend. She’s probably just acting out which is normal. Your looking at her behavior a little more objectively than a parent does. And no parent, I don’t care who they are likes when people criticize their kids.

You just have to decide if you want a relationship with this much baggage. You have a kid that’s probably not thrilled that your there. A dad who feels guilty because he doesn’t spend time with her and grandparents who probably spoil her because her parents are divorced.

Does her mother know that when it’s his weekend with his daughter that his girlfriend is the one watching her? Because to be honest, if I were her mother I wouldn’t like it.

46

You know, I’ve been in a very similar situation.

My boyfriend has two daughers. One’s mom is completely psychotic, and so we don’t get to see her as often as we’d like. The other, well, I get along with her mother very well, but the daughter is spoiled. She’s normally very nice, but just very spoiled. She’s the princess.

I once snapped at this girl, who is five, for being incredibly rude to me, and the Tashaboy freaked out, telling me I wasn’t her mom and I had no right to tell her what to do.

I told him, very calmly, that there are certain rules that everyone, adult or child, had to follow in my house, and if he didn’t like it he could get out, too. That ended that discussion.

47

Ouch, lezlers!

Dad of two, step dad of three here, just for the record.

We’ve made it work well, and all the delightful kiddies are now grown, out of the house, and alleged to be adults, so I’ve got some experience.

Main points;
A) The parents have to be solid together on just about all issues. It must be plain that no matter what the widdle darlin’s do, they do not have the power to come between Stepmom and Stepdad. Rub their nose(s) in this fact until they accept it as a universal truth.

B) The parents must back each other up, unequivocally, in all cases. When there’s some confusion, take it out of sight and hearing of the kid(s), get it worked out, then get back to them with a unified front.

C) Routinely dumping one or more kid off on a step parent while the biological parent goes off to do stuff is a no-no of the highest magnitude. Stepmom taking Janie shopping or Stepdad taking Johnny fishing is great on occasion, but it can’t be a constant. An occasional call to unscheduled work is one thing, but if somebody’s work schedule is a serious problem that person needs to get another job pronto.

To start on this path, your guy is going to have to stop avoiding the issues, taking the easy way out, and getting angry when he’s called on his behavior.

Hope you can get this done. You know I wish you all the best.

48

Gotta agree with Dangermom. His daughter is most definitely NOT getting the love she needs - things don’t equal love, they never have. What kids need is attention. And spoiling is a form of abuse because it turns the child into an object, a toy. Look at people with spoiled dogs, how neurotic the animals turn out to be b/c of how their human uses them for their own needs instead of recognizing what the animal’s true needs are.

Spoiling ignores a child’s need for a strong adult in her life, someone who’ll say No and care enough to make it stick. Kids deserve to be treated like children (who are learning and making mistakes) instead of short adults. How frightening and confusing to have all that “power”, and yet be ignored.

Everyone in this girl’s life is using her for their own needs, to make themselves feel good. Parenting (and grandparenting) isn’t a constant feel-good experience.

Your parents’ treatment of this girl is out of line, too; they’re not a permanent fixture in her life, and it’s way too soon for them to “adopt” her. If they were really invested in her they’d be teaching her some boundaries and manners, instead of just doting on her like she’s some kind of Barbie doll with accessories.

If your boyfriend was any kind of father he’d spend time with his daughter, period. His ex’s behavior is completely beside the point (and beyond his control). You think this girl’s behavior is bad now, just wait until her adolescent hormones hit.

It’s been said a relationship’s over when the man falls out of love, or when the woman loses respect. This guy’s apparently sufficiently charming to sustain things now, but if you marry him (or have a kid with him yourself) there’s going to come a point where you’re going to look to him to be a man, instead of a child.

And it doesn’t sound like he’ll be one to deliver.

49

Hmmm…he sounds like a jerk. I know you love him, but he’s pushing off his inadequacies in parenting on you so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy. If he can’t defend you, you’re fucked. You have to ask yourself…is this the way you want to live for the next ten years?

  1. Get together with the mom and dad and tell them how it’s going to be. If the dad doesn’t agree to giving you the RESPECT you deserve on this issue, you will probably face more shabby treatment in the future. It’s a red flag. Heed it’s warning.

  2. Simply make yourself unavailable to care for the kid unless he’s around.

  3. Ditch the above options (and the guy). I know you love him, but if he’s not willing to work with you on this, what choice do you have?

50

But not only does he refuse to discipline or even spend time with his daughter, he’s apparently content to let her be raised by a psycho hosebeast. If the mom’s as bad as she seems, why hasn’t he sought full custody? Or at least petitioned for a more equitable custody arrangement? Why doesn’t he try to move closer to his child? It sounds like he doesn’t want to be a full time parent.

51

[QUOTE=lezlers]
She’ll actually call and ask when we’re going to have her and when we do have her, she’ll keep calling asking if we need to drop her off or if she needs a bath, ect. I had to go to a conference one weekend so I had to leave at 6:00 am Sat and Sun. He leaves for work around 7 am. She actually came over at 6:45 to sit with his daughter until she woke up, then took her home. Unbelievable.
[/QUOTE]

I’m not sure what’s unbelievable about not wanting the girl to get up at what to many 9 y/os would be the asscrack of dawn. But the bath thing? Does grandma give her a bath? If so, yikes.

52

IMHO, you have to have a talk with your SO and explain that when that child is in your house (and it IS your house, you’re living there) she will behave.

Whether she is “your child” or not, she is spending time under your roof, and you have every right to discipline her when she misbehaves. You also have every right to stand up for yourself to your SO. I’m sure he’s a wonderful man, but you have to remember you’re wonderful, too, and you deserve to be treated with respect. Explain to your SO that if marriage really is in the future, he has to back you up. It’s not a matter of choosing between you and his daughter, it’s a matter of creating a stable household.

Thing is… his daughter will be his daughter for life. You, however, have a choice. And if I had to put up with my SO making me the “bad guy” and letting his child treat me that way, I’d start having second thoughts.

53

I was in exactly the same situation when I was in grad school. I was engaged to a wonderful guy who had a 7-year-old son from his former marriage. Everything was fine until I moved it with D. He had his son every other week (joint custody) and the boy took no notice of me whatsoever unless it was to complain. If I cooked dinner, he wouldn’t eat it - and Daddy would give him milk and cookies before bedtime. What kid wouldn’t rather have milk and cookies to veggies? I wasn’t ever left alone with the child for long periods of time (thank goodness!) but the child would do things like turn the stereo up full blast when I was trying to study, or go dig up everything I had planted in the freshly tilled garden - then deny it, and Daddy believed him even though I had seen him do it.

I broke off the engagement. There was no way I was going to face a fight in my home every night for years. D. and I had discussed the situation before I moved in, and I had agreed that I was not to discipline the boy - but as I told him when I returned his ring - “You tell me now that I am to have no say in how your son is raised, but in a few years you are going to want my help and support when you have to go get him out of jail. I can’t handle the way I see this going, and I am not going to ask you to choose me over your child.”

54

I know she’s wanting for her dad’s love. When I said she wasn’t wanting for love, it was in response to an earlier inquiry regarding whether or not her grandparents spent time with her or just bought her material things. They do both.

Again, it’s not a matter of my not being allowed to discipline her. Outsiders have told me I can’t do to my non-existent status as daddy’s mere girlfriend. However, daddy has given me the green light to do whatever I feel is necessary. Problem is, I’m the only one who does it so all it accomplishes is getting her to hate me and think I’m the most evil “stepmom” on the planet.

So I got to listen to another conversation last night between the psycho ex and him. She’s claiming he needs to take care of “them.” This woman apparently thinks that because she had his child (they were never married, he didn’t want the child, ect.) he is responsible for not only taking care of the child for the rest of her life, but is also responsible for taking care of the mother. Put the fact that the mother is a drunk who can’t hold a job and has squandered whatever goodwill she had with both her family and whoever is left of her friends, and you get quite the little nightmare on your hands.

Anyhoo, that’s not really the point of this thread. This is going to be a really bumpy year (we both work full time and are in our last year of law school) but I’m going to stick it out and keep pestering him to spend more time with her, as well as adopt some of the suggestions in this thread regarding how to deal with her on my own.

Thank you all for all the support and suggestions.

55

[QUOTE=lezlers]
Again, it’s not a matter of my not being allowed to discipline her. Outsiders have told me I can’t do to my non-existent status as daddy’s mere girlfriend. However, daddy has given me the green light to do whatever I feel is necessary. Problem is, I’m the only one who does it so all it accomplishes is getting her to hate me and think I’m the most evil “stepmom” on the planet.
[/QUOTE]

See, the thing is, that you don’t actually have a green light to do whatever you feel is necessary. If he’s not willing to have your back when you refuse to let this kid be disrespectful, then what he’s really doing is showing her it’s actually perfectly fine for her to treat you like dirt. I’d say it’s a case of “do what I say, not what I do”, except he’s not even willing to do the saying in that adage. As long as Princess can simply turn to Daddy every time you tell her “no”, and Daddy immediately caves without even a whimper, you don’t have a green light.

This is all about Daddy. Daddy is failing - worse, Daddy isn’t even willing to try.

[QUOTE=lezlers]
So I got to listen to another conversation last night between the psycho ex and him. She’s claiming he needs to take care of “them.” This woman apparently thinks that because she had his child (they were never married, he didn’t want the child, ect.) he is responsible for not only taking care of the child for the rest of her life, but is also responsible for taking care of the mother. Put the fact that the mother is a drunk who can’t hold a job and has squandered whatever goodwill she had with both her family and whoever is left of her friends, and you get quite the little nightmare on your hands.

Anyhoo, that’s not really the point of this thread. This is going to be a really bumpy year (we both work full time and are in our last year of law school) but I’m going to stick it out and keep pestering him to spend more time with her, as well as adopt some of the suggestions in this thread regarding how to deal with her on my own.
[/QUOTE]

This is really not sounding good for your situation. If she’s as unfit a mother as he’s making her sound, why does she still have full custody? Why hasn’t he pursued getting full custody? Or having their custody arrangement swapped so that the mother has Princess on alternate weekends? As a third-year law student, he really ought to be aware of his rights in this matter - and his responsibilities. It’s the responsibilities bit that’s sending up red flags in my mind. He doesn’t seem at all interested in the “responsibilities” parts of parenting. From what you’ve posted, it sounds as if he’s shuffled all of that off onto other people - his ex, his mother, you. It really doesn’t matter that at least one of those other people is reputedly doing a poor job of it. The point is he’s refusing to do it.

And I have to wonder if Princess has heard the “Daddy never even wanted you in the first place” bit. She’s certainly not seeing anything to contradict it if she has.

This man is a really, really bad parent, whatever his redeeming characteristics as a person may be. I would think long and hard about signing him up to parent your own children. His track record sucks, and he’s not showing any inclination to improve it. Why would he treat future children any better than he’s treating his current child? And believe me, he is not doing his child any favors here.

56

Have you thought about going to see a family counselor together? One that specializes in step families? I think you all need an objective opinion here and he needs to have someone tell him these things besides you. He feels pulled between his loyalties to you and to his daughter and he needs someone outside the family to give him permission or outright tell him to lay down the rules. If you tell him it will just sound like you want him to pick you over her, even if that is not what you intend.

My husband’s parents are divorced and he had a similar experience as this girl, except it was his mother who let him get away with everything to compensate for all the hard times. (his father was a whole other story, but not really involved in raising him after the divorce anyway.) This is common in divorced families, the parents feel that the child has already been through enough and don’t want to discipline, or they don’t get to spend much time together and don’t want to spend it disciplining.

Let me assure you, his relationship with his mother was not enhanced by this, he fully realized she had no spine and had real contempt for her during his high school years. Now as adults they get along again and she realizes that she let him walk all over her and it didn’t do anyone any favors. He did not respect her for it or love her more because she let him get away with stuff, in fact I think he was crying out for someone to lay down the law with him. He had real respect for my parents partly, I am sure, because they were firm with him and it was clear in my house what the rules were. Kids will push until they find a boundary, that is what she is looking for. If she doesn’t find one she WILL keep pushing. Kids don’t suddenly decide, wait, this is rude and I am being selfish here - they are looking for their parents to teach them what is acceptable behavior. This situation is not going to get better.

If he refuses to go to counseling with you I would advise you to go by yourself. You will probably get good advice from someone who has seen this situation many times before. Make it a priority if you really want to continue a relationship with this guy - and maybe if he sees you going he will realize how much you are willing to try to make it work, and also how serious a situation it is.

57

[QUOTE=lezlers]

So we were yelling and screaming and she was upstairs and heard everything and it was just a big old mess. I talked to her though and told her everyone fights and she asked what we were fighting about and I told her I wanted daddy home more to spend more time with us and blah blah. It was weird, she almost seemed happy that we were fighting. My SO and his ex used to fight like cats and dogs almost daily so I guess she’s used to it. At least we’ll make her mother’s day (she’ll be THRILLED to know we were fighting).

[/QUOTE]

I’ve never been in this situation but I’ve seen it around us. One question for you.
**
What do you want to do for the next 10 years?** You can live like this or you can kick him out. Which alternative do you want because “change” does not seem to be in his vocabulary.

58

“Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot…both engines on fire! Eject, eject eject…!”

59

Velma said what I was going to say. I think you need to tell him that this situation is so not working for you that you think you really want to see a therapist together. If he won’t go, go by yourself.