The Kevin Smith Appreciation Thread

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just received an email from a friend reminding me of the August release of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

I am a HUGE Kevin Smith fan and thought I’d start a thread for other fans to share their favorite lines and/or scenes from Clerks,Mallrats,Chasing Amy and Dogma.

Since I’m here…

Clerks:
The scene with Randal ordering the movies.
“I’m a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class…especially since I rule.”
“I’m not even supposed to be here today!”
The “Berzerker” scenes.

Mallrats:
“I’m going to bust on them X-Men style.”
The scene with Stan Lee.
The elevator scene.

Chasing Amy:
The scene with Holden and Alyssa in the car::sigh:: if only a man would say that to me…
The song Alyssa sings at the Meow Mix:
don’t know who wrote it

I’m feeling awful
But all alone
Just missing someone
I’ve never known
But until I find him
I’ll wait patiently
Just feeling nothing
Inside of me
And where are you baby?
Where can you be?
Why aren’t you here
Loving me?
Cuz I want to kiss you
And make you feel right
I want to lay with you
All through the night
Chorus
I wanna feel passion,I waan feel pain
I wanna weep at the sound of your name
Come make me laugh
Or come make me cry
Just make me feel alive

And so I wait
For that glorious day
When the one I dream of
Comes my way
And when our lips touch
So tenderly
I know I’ll feel something
Inside of me
Repeat chorus

That hits home in ways I will not go into ::sigh::

Dogma:
I’ve only seen it once…it’s not for sale yet on VHS and I’m not buying a DVD player for one movie…

The airport scene.
Jeff Anderson’s cameo
The scene at the end when Jay realizes they may only have five minutes to live.

2

I love Kevin Smith movies. I’m not sure if I’m going to get these quotes 100% right, so please bear with me. You already got most of the good ones, but I’ll fill in a few of my other favorites.

Clerks:
“Try not to suck any dicks in the parking lot!”
That one just cracks me up.
The sex with a dead guy scene is pretty disturbing, but always good for a laugh.

Mallrats:
“All sons of Jerel, kneel before Zod! Snootchiebootchies nahahahahaha!”

Any of the scenes where Jay gets all pissed at Bob and slaps the cigarette from his hand while he is trying to use the force.

The stink palm scene. Not so much the scene itself but when he say something “its worth it for the smiting” to rationalize it.

“you mean like the back seat of a VW bug?”

I’ve only seen Chasing Amy and Dogma once and I can’t think of any scenes that really stand out. The part where Ben Affleck talks the nun out of her religion is pretty bad though.

3

Well, I’ll throw some Dogma quotes in here:

Bethany: “So, you were martyred?”
Rufus: “That’s one way to say it. Another is that I was bludgeoned to death by big f*$#*&! rocks”

Jay: So, tell me something about myself
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone else alive
Jay: Everyone knows that.
Rufus: Yeah. But when you do it, you’re thinking about GUYS.
(Bob gives Jay a really weird look)
Jay: Not all the time, dude.

Then there’s the whole Buddy Jesus thing…and the platypus digression in the opening credits…

and, hardygrrl, you’re welcome to come visit and watch the movie any time :wink:

4

I’m one of the few people out there who is not a Kevin SMith fan. Surprisingly, as he obviously aims square for my demographic. But I think I am slightly askew (HA!) of it, and it glances off me instead.

Having said that, I appreciate his skill and talent - I just can’t relate to his movies.

5

Dogma has been out on video for over a year. But don’t buy the Dogma DVD! The current DVD version is a basic copy of the movie with no special features. However, in the immediate future, there will be a special edition DVD with director’s commentary, deleted scenes, outtakes, etc. So wait for the good DVD.

A few favorite scenes:

Jay and Silent Bob dancing in Clerks.

Brody finding out the definition of “callow” in Mallrats.

Hooper X shooting up the convention meeting in Chasing Amy.

Jay telling everyone how kissing God gave him an erection in Dogma.

Randall becoming a dealer in Star Wars collectible toys in the Clerks comic book.

Jay and Silent Bob working on a porno movie in the Jay and Silent Bob comic book.

“Clerks was filmed live before a studio audience” from the Clerks cartoon series.

6

How about for four of them? View Askew puts out wonderful discs that really do kick ass when you’re a Smith fan. The deleted scenes on just about all of them tend to showcase both how funny the guy can write, and his sense of timing and when he needs to trim back to maintain it. And the commentary tracks all showcase just how much fun they all have working together.

The current “Dogma” disc is bare-bones, sadly, just the movie, and I’ve been waiting impatiently for the deluxe edition due out in a couple months finally, not to mention “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.”

Quotes not likely to be exact:

Clerks:
Another vote for “try not to suck any dicks on the way to the car!” bit. What really makes it is the random guy looking up as Dante shouts it after her, then casually turning and strolling after her.

Randal ordering a whole string of cheesy porno titles, and thoughtfully ordering the favorite video of a customer’s child along with it. “…Cum Guzzling Sluts, and…oh yeah, Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.”

Mallrats:
Jay and Silent Bob being chased by mallcops. Jay’s booking, flat-out, then turns to look as Silent Bob flies right on past in an exaggerated fake run.

The dude having a real bad time with a Magic Eye poster. Staring fixatedly at it as people wander up. “Oh yeah! A sailboat!” and glaring at them.

Chasing Amy:
Holden and Alyssa in the car when Holden finally tells her how he really feels. Just damn fine writing.

Banky drawing a cartoon of a man-friendly lesbian, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and a glaring, man-hating dyke, who are all going to race for a prize.
“Now, which one of these is going to win the race. Go ahead, tell me, just guess.”
“<sigh>The man-hating dyke.”
“That’s right! Do you know why? BECAUSE THE OTHER THREE DON’T FUCKING EXIST!!!” (he had a lot of good spasms of rage in that film)

“Snootchie boochums? Who talks like that? That’s fucking baby talk, man.”

Dogma:
The Buddy Jesus unveiling made me choke the first time I saw it, and while it doesn’t have the same impact now I remain very fond of it.

All is lost, the exiled angels are going to walk through the door, there’s nothing they can do to stop them. Remembering a promise made, Jay begins stripping out of his pants.

Clerks: the Animated Series (killed far too soon, out on dvd at least)
“Well played, clerks…well played.” --Leonardo Leonardo

“Why are we walking like this?”

7

How could I forget from Chasing Amy…

“What’s a Nubian?” and “Oooh Yanni.”
In the comic books (Thank you Little Nemo, I feel less geeky now) how Dante brought Caitlin out of her catatonic state.

I’m going to save up for a DVD player but one question-I’ve seen Clerks in the laserdisc format-with the original ending:(-does the DVD have that as well?

8

Clerks
Try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot! Hey! Get back here!

This one always makes me laugh:
Yeah…hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: “Whispers in the Wind”, “To Each His Own”, “Put It Where It Doesn’t Belong”, “My Pipes Need Cleaning”, “All Tit-Fucking Volume 8”, “I Need Your Cock”, “Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers”, “My Cunt Needs Shafts”, “Cum Clean”, “Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts”, “Cum Buns III”, “Cumming in Socks”, “Cum On Eileen”, “Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum”, “Men Alone II: the KY Connection”, “Pink Pussy Lips”, and, uh, oh yeah, “All Holes Filled with Hard Cock”. Uh-huh…yeah…Oh, wait, and, what was that called again? [sub](btw, it’s Happy Scrappy, Hero-Pup)[/sub]

Mallrats
Brodies stories about his cousin Walter, the cat-and-the-gerbil and the jerking-off-on-a-plane ones. Also his dissertation on the food-court versus mid-mall snacking units.

Chasing Amy
(only saw it once, don’t recall any lines…gonna have to get that)

Dogma
Jay and Silent Bobs reasons for hanging out at an abortion clinic (“We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?”) and for heading to Shermer, Illinois (which doesn’t exist)("…there’s all this fine bush running around, and we could kick all the dude’s asses because they’re all whiney pussies. Except Judd Nelson - he was harsh. But best of all, there was no one selling weed.") Heh, Judd Nelson :smiley:

Jay driving: “What gear are you in?” “Gear?”

Alan Rickman as the Metatron and Chris Rock as Rufus, the 13th Apostle…great selection!

The cartoons and comics
(ever got to see them :frowning: )

9

thinksnow…

You forgot “Girls Who Crave Cock” and “Girls Who Crave Cunt”.

I am the master of all Clerks trivia :slight_smile:

BTW…here’s one for ya…What time was the Quik Stop supposed to open and when did Dante actually open it? And you’re not allowed to watch the movie to find out.

10

Supposed to open at 5, but he opened it at 6:15 if I am not mistaken.

Clerks:
Jizzmopper scene still rolls me everytime.

Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that’s offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from porn mag.] I think you can see her kidneys!

Mall Rats:
My favorite movie quote of all times.

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can’t start some shit!?

Chasing Amy:
Hooper at the Minority Comic Panel.

Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky Edwards: What’s a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the fuck up!

Dogma:
Loki and Bartelby talking in the gun shop

Loki: Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur takes a huge level of endurance. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.

Animated Series:
Randal questioning George Lucas in court

Randal Graves: Do you think Phantom Menace is as good of a movie as Empire?
George Lucas: Well, certainly, I think it’s the best movie I’ve made yet.
Randal Graves: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars Obi-Wan tells Luke when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he’s just a little boy?
Lucas: Well, my kids thought…
Randal Graves: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trains him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains him?
Lucas: Um, well, the power of myth…
Randal Graves: Isn’t it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but told people you had it written for years?
Lawyer: Objection! The pod race was pretty cool.

11

Holden, Jay & Bob at the cafe:

Jay: (Something like this) Hey man, you look all depressed. What’s up?
Holden: Oh, just having a little girl trouble.
Jay: Bitch pressin’ charges? I get that a lot…

and later on:

Jay: What’s her name?
Holden: Alyssa.
Jay: (astonished pause) Alyssa JONES? Fingercuffs? Man she’s done every guy in town, twice, (etc, etc) You know, once, she had this dog…
Holden: Hey, just shut the fuck up and eat your bagel!!
Jay: (To Bob) Well look at this touchy mother-fucker right here…
Any line by Hooper. God damn, but Dwight Ewel nailed that role. Every time I see him now, I can’t think of anything besides Hooper. It’s terrible, I’ve totally typecast him. But he was SO DAMN FUNNY!

Banky: ARCHIE IS NOT FUCKING MR. WEATHERBEE!!
Hooper (looking bored - this is way too easy): Deny, deny, deny…

Hooper: BLACK RAGE!! BLACK RAGE!!! I’LL KILL ANY WHITE PERSON I LAY MY MOTHER-FUCKIN’ EYES ON!!!

Hooper: Bust THIS! “Star Wars” is about how the white man keeps the brother man down… even in a galaxy far, far away.
-Ben

12

Hooper X: “What’s a nubian? Bitch, you almost made me laugh.”

13

robgruver…pretty close but it was supposed to be open at 6 am. Dante moved the sign on the door (opening the Quik Stop) at 6:25 am.
And the jizzmopper scene…“You know,come leaves streaks if you don’t clean it properly.” Next time you watch Clerks…watch carefully what the man who is so offended is purchasing. No spoilers but it’ll make you laugh harder if that’s possible. :slight_smile:
Chasing Amy…Silent Bob’s rant to Jay in the diner “Did you know I wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?” followed by him crossing his arms wildly.

14

At the end of Dogma when she asks god why we are here and god touches her nose and says “boop”.

15

Hardygrrl, if you like Smith’s movies, you definitely need to see the DVD versions. Rent a player if you have to. The DVD versions of Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and the Clerks animated series are ten times better than the video versions. They have commentary by Smith, Scott Mozier, and the actors (significantly none of the actresses appear) and deleted scenes (including the original ending from Clerks and an hour of deleted scenes from Mallrats - it was like watching a different movie).

And for the rest of you, check out the comics. If nothing else, you’ll find out why Dante and Randall ran out of the funeral home.

16

Little Nemo- Going to rent a player tonight.

If you can find it-I bought mine off of ebay-there’s a great home movie tour of all the shooting locations done by View Askew. The Quik Stop,RST Video,the malls,even the park where Alyssa and Holden talk on the swings.
I really need to get a life. :slight_smile:

17

By a staggering coincidence, I was watching this scene when I reached this point in the thread (on TMN3 for the Canadians in the audience). And it’s

and,

This must be about the tenth time I’ve watched the movie.

Oh! There’s Salma…

18

Cool thread, hardygrrl. :slight_smile:
If you haven’t already, go to News Askew and check out the Internet only trailer for Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. It’s pretty cool.

I didn’t see anyone else mention it, but the song Alyssa sings in Chasing Amy is written by Joey Lauren Adams. She’s a big country fan, but Smith convinced her to do it as an alternative kind of thing (thankfully :D).

Clerks (which I just checked out a local theater again):
-“I’m gonna break my crazy neck on this ladder!”
-“Any balls down there?” “About the biggest pair you’ve ever seen, dingleberry.”
-“Everytime I kiss you I’m going to taste 36 other guys.”
-“I couldn’t reach.” “What, your dick?” “Yeah, like you said I guess everyone gets curious and tries it once in a while.” “I haven’t…fuckin’ pervert.”
-“I believe in the philosophy of a ruling class; especially since I rule.”
-“You think that’s bad, check this out. I bet you can see her kidneys…”
-“Hermaphroditic porn. You should see the box: beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.”
-“I don’t appreciate your ruse.” “My what?” “Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.” “I was only pointing out that you weren’t paying attention.” “And I bet it feels good.” “You what?” “I bet it feels so good to point out your superiority to others.”

Mallrats:
-“Poopy trip.”
-“Where do you get these toys?”
-the Superman having sex with Lois Lane conversation
-“That kid…that kid is back on the escalator!”
-so many Brodie lines…
-the “out of his mom’s vibrator” line…can’t remember it right now…

Chasing Amy
-the “permanent injuries” conversation
-the “deep dicking” conversation
-“He’s got the bladder of an infant.” “He says you’re hung like an infant.” “Does his mother tell him everything?”
-the “Archie and Jughead were lovers” conversation
-the comic panel scene (“Black rage!”)
-“Bitch, what you don’t know about me could just about fill up the Grand Canion. Did you know that I always wanted to be a dancer in Vegas??”
-“Yo Flo, get me a bagel with cream cheese…you want one? Two bagels with cream cheese and make it snappy, noonch.”
-“And then, Black Beauty got fed up, and did some of his own mounting.”
Dogma:
Haven’t seen it in too long, but I can’t wait for the Special Edition so I can see the “Fat Albert” seen.