In life there is a set of situations in which the average person gives a predicted response to a stupid question. It is rarely the right response but it is usually the knee-jerk response. Such as when some dolt says “What you lookin at!”. The knee-jerk response is usually “nothing”. But the correct response would be “You” (and then a logical conversation should follow along the lines of “People tend to look at things and other people. You must have been looking at me to notice that I was looking at you” Or your prefered variation)
I sometimes delight in imagining such situations, giving the unexpected and correct response to a stupid question. I then find myself wishing someone would say “What you lookin at” to me.
What are the other examples of stupid questions with knee-jerk responses (and what is the correct response in your opinion)
(The holy grail could be the ‘famous’ person coming up and saying “don’t you know who I am?!” and the response being “As a matter of fact I do. How is that relevant to this situation? Does the ability to read a script or sing give you any special priviliges? I don’t think so”)
One I’ve actually, legitimately used Detroit taxi driver: where to? me: follow that cab!
One I plan to use lunch-counter waitress: what’ll it be? me: probably salmonella.
One I’m perfecting doctor/nurse/hygienist/librarian: and how are we doing today? me, hunching, panicked, looking over both shoulders: you see him too?
On Preview, I’ve just noticed MrVisible. [Gollum]Spoil a nice anecdote.[/Gollum]
.
What’s up?
(looking up) the ceiling (or wahtever is above my head)
Though since I’ve used that one far too many times to be funny anymore, I usually try to find another appropriate, though correct, response. Like ‘my temper’ if I’m having a bad day.
This thread reminds me of an actual event that I had the good fortune to witness first hand.
We were on a job for the state,doing some installation of traffic lights. The state inspector was an intollerable smartass that had just gotten his promotion and this was one of his first jobs to oversee in his new position.
Our crew leader We’ll call him Ray caught this inspector relieving himself behind the door of his truck one day. “Whut ya got in yer hand there Fred??” Ray asked. “AWW nuthin much” replied the inspector …Ray then responded “Yeah thats what yer wife says too!!”…We all rolled with laughter!
A few days later the inspector caught Ray relieving himself behind HIS door… “What ya got in your hand there Ray??” expecting the same answer to be given! BUT 'Ol Ray came back with " A D**k YOU STUPID SUMBITCH!!"
Sorry to hijack but kinda gives an example of the OP?
The canonical story for this is a fellow who’s cutting in line at the airport.
Clerk: Sir, please wait your turn and I’ll deal with you as soon as possible.
Person: Do you know who I am?!
Clerk: microphone Attention please. There is a gentleman at gate 14 who does not know who he is. If you know the gentleman’s name, please come to gate 14. Thank you.
Person: Fuck you!
Clerk: I’m sorry, sir, you’ll have to wait in line for that too.
I actually got to use the “Do you know who you are speaking to?” line.
I was in grad school. My work-study job was to write a little program that professors could use to update their online resumes.
I was working out the kinks, and the secretaries in the various offices were not pleased with some of the directions.
One called me one day, complaining about what I was telling her to do. I responded with the classic line, “do you know who you are speaking to?” It stopped her, and I could hear her start to worry. Then I added, "I’m a grad student! I can’t tell you to do anything! " We got along fine after that.
One of my favorite Monty Python bits was Eric Idle doing a voice-over for a faux announcement of what was on BBC-1 where he said that on BBC-1 was this show and that, etc. and ended it with, “And on BBC-2 is me telling you this.”
Other person: If I don’t see you again before you leave, have a nice Christmas.
Me: So if you do see me again, I should NOT have a nice Christmas?(smile)
Usually results in other person giving me a dirty look, because she knows I know what was meant, and now she can’t think of another way to get the point across. The polite, non-frustrating response is of course"And the same to you" or “You have a nice Christmas” or whatever.
My dad used to do this when he answered the phone:
Caller: “Is jweb there?”
Dad: “Yes, he is.”
<silence, sometimes lasting for 30 seconds or more>
Dad: “Did you want to talk to him?”
Or, perhaps the more annoying permutation:
Caller: “Can I speak to jweb?”
Dad: “Yes, you can.”
<silence>
Dad: “Would you like to speak to him?”
