Whenever the computer/printer/copy/fax machine isn’t working around here, they call me. I ask “What did you do to it?” And get the standard response:
Nothing.
Yeah, the machine just screwed up all by itself. So I have to spend the next half-hour figuring out what you did, instead of the two minutes it would take if you fessed up.
or, “do you have a light?”
“Yes.”
long pause.
“Can I use it?”
“possibly. do you need the instructions?”
and in reference to the OP, the ‘what you looking at?’ can be known as ‘The Harlow Pub Quiz’, also featuring questions asked by a nasty looking dude, generally with tattoos and lots of jewellry, such as “Do you want some then?” or “Who the fuck are you?” to which there are no right answers.
or do like my dad never got tired of doing when I was a kid:
Me “Dad, make me a sandwich.”
Dad “VaVoom! you’re a sandwich!”
still hilarious the 1000000000 time.
Once upon a time in the vast cornfields of Iowa, my college roommate wanted to know about the weather and asked:
“What’s it like outside?”
My response: “It’s really big, and there’s no ceiling.”
It was a very rare thing to leave that boy speechless.
Back to School. The quote was spoken by Robert Downey Jr.
“Hey, Nott. What’s going on?”
“Everything!”
“Everything?”
“Oh, yeah, and simultaneously!”
“Are ya hungry? How does a pizza sound?”
“Like a giraffe.”
“How are you, Dennis?”
“I was doin’ great, but I got over it.”
A coworker of mine went into one of the restrooms in my office building and saw Bono, of U2 fame.
Coworker: “Hey! It’s not every day you go into a bathroom and see Bono there.”
Bono: “Happens every day to me.”
Maybe it’s just me, but some of the “snappy answers” in this thread come off as smug and smart-assy, and would not endear you to me if you shot one of them in my face when I was asking a serious question. There are some phrases that are conversational shorthand at this point, and you run the risk of sounding like an asshole if you get all punctilious about it - for example, when someone calls on the phone and asks if someone is there. We all know that when you do that, you are actually asking a two-part question - “Is he there?” and “Would you call him to the phone please if he is?” If the second part of the question is understood, do you really need to say it every time you call someone on the phone? Is there anyone out there who thinks people really call up just to ascertain if someone is, indeed, there?
That kind of attitude just sticks in my craw, is all I’m saying.
I think I just fugured out what to do with my evening… “Is Bob there? Yes? Thank you. [click]” “Is Linda there? Yes? Thank You. [click]”
Can you close the door.
Yes I do believe I can.
<remains in chair>
Raise your glasses.
<raises spectacles>
Would you like a sweet?
If?
(think about it)
Newsreader: They say you could roll the millenium wheel under it [the arch for the new Wembly stadium] if you wanted to.
Me: No I think it would be too heavy.
I’ll see you tomorow.
Probably
Can I see what’s on?
No.
Why.
Because you haven’t got the remote.
Is that dave on the phone?
No I think he’s probably holding it against his head.
How are you?
I think.
Give me a ring.
No. Buy one yourself.
Send me a letter.
<weeks later, an envelope arrives in the post. It gets opened, there’s a piece of paper inside on which is written…>
P
What’s on the TV?
A clock and a photo.
Do you have the time?
Yes.
(not sarcastic but worth a mention…)
Loan Ad guy: Sick of loan adverts?
Me: Yes <click>
I disagree. You actually said the following…
Whenever I am on the recieving end of this kind of wit I find it just as amusing as when giving it. If it does not endear us to you then you are not the kind of person we want to be endeared to. I find it endearing because it shows a sense of humour and, also, something which I strongly admire in today’s over-commercialized stupefied society - a well developed sarcasm.
I have been known to reply to “What’s up?” with “Up is the region of space that is perpendicular to the area of equal gravitational potential energy at your location, and in the direction of higher gravitational potential energy.”
Usually just earns me blank looks though…
No wonder people think I’m weird! 
A. I don’t think of this as wit, because it doesn’t seem particularly witty to me.
B. I don’t find it amusing to give or receive.
C. You’re right - the kind of people who think this kind of stuff is funny aren’t my kind of people.
D. It doesn’t show a sense of humour to me since it doesn’t strike me as funny. I don’t find practical jokes funny either. As usual, your mileage may vary.
Deliberate obtuseness is rather, uh, low wit.
A coworker of mine was walking along the street when a van pulled up next to him. Inside the van was a load of musical instruments. The driver asked “How do I get to the Albert Hall?” and my friend said “It’s just over there” (pointing)…
And thus pissed away a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to say “Practice, practice, practice!”
When someone approaches me and says, “May I ask you a question?” my response is, “you just did.” I also annoy people who ask me if I know what time it is and I say, “yes, I do” but don’t give them the actual time.
Q: “Excuse me, have you got the time?”
A: “Yah … but not the energy.”
(yes, this actually happened)
And once at the coffee shop I worked at, a customer pointed at a fridge full of juice and said “What’s that?” (presumably meaning, “what kind of juice is that one on the second shelf, on the left?” or something, but since she was four feet away it was hard to tell)
Deadpan response: “It’s a fridge.”
Or, the old classic:
“Can I be frank?”
“Okay, if I can still be cowgirl.”
Bwa ha ha !
One that I use quite often is:
(receptionist) “May I tell him who is calling?”
(me) “Certainly.”
YES! That’s it exactly! Some of the stuff in this thread is indeed witty and funny; the deliberate obtuseness is what I don’t find funny or amusing. There’s a fine line between a snappy answer to a stupid question and deliberate obtuseness, I guess.
The Mechanical Engineer’s joke:
“What’s new?”
“mu over rho.”
(kinematic viscosity of a fluid, Greek letter nu, is defined as dynamic viscosity, mu, divided by density, rho)
I think that qualifies as deliberately obtuse.
A similar exchange at my house one night, about dessert:
“What’s that?” (pointing)
“German chocolate cake.”
“What’s the stuff on top?”
“[pause] German.”
I use that on my kids, too, only I get to expand it to “because I’m the Mommy.”
Actually, I’m considering using that on people other than my kids. I bet it’ll work just as well.
Of course, my son gets his own back. His guaranteed response to a question such as “Would you like milk or juice?” is “Yes.”