The LAST thing you'd want to hear at your EULOGY!

State the The LAST thing you’d want to hear at your EULOGY!
“Sadly, we could never find his head,
hence the Vader helmet…”

“He was a man of few words…as are we, THE END.”

“It is said that the good always die young,
he was 85…”

“Needles to say, when the medics found him,
bloated and whale-like, alone in his bed,
he had soiled himself, twice!”

“Ladies, please stop hitting the corpse.”

“I call dibs on his watch.”

“Gotcha ya!”

We commend his Thetan to Xenu.

(Or whatever it is they pay for.)

“Where is everybody?”

“And now, Tom Cruise would like to say a few things about Scientology.”

Anything at all.

If I hear something at my eulogy, something’s gone horribly awry…

“Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty…”

“He was a sawed off puppy Fu…”
…oh wait. This isn’t “The Pit”.


“Just to be sure, who brought the stake?”

Hal Briston, is that from Gamera’s funeral? After all:

“Gamera is really neat,
He is made of turtle meat!
We are eating Gamera!”

“He fell into a what?”

“All we know for certain is that that must have really really hurt.”

“I had no idea that giant squids had a taste for human flesh.”

“and so we are hear today to mourn his passing. We can only hope that, somewhere in afterlife, he must take some solace in the fact that he was right. He could indeed create a nuclear reaction with an ice cube tray, a paper clip, and a pound of cheese.”

He’s dead. Close the lid.

“I’d like to thank all my lovers for coming out to support me on the death of my spouse.”

“Please ignore the muffled shouting from the casket.”

Fortunately for his widow, his body was found clutching a winning lottery ticket.

Actually, that’s a good line for the opposite thread, too…

What a good job was done in sewing her back together.

We’ll have a busy day tomorrow throwing her 5,000 CD collection in the trash.

Anything involving being on the front page of the New York Post.


“Yes, there is a reason why the casket is closed”

“Is the roasting spit ready?”

“You should have seen the fun we had with him after he died”