“He was warned many times about the dangers of practicing self-bondage and auto-asyphyxiation simultaneously …”
“We’re sorry we haven’t found his killer yet, but the number of people who had motive and opportunity reads like the freakin’ phone book…”
“And so we now have conclusive proof that phone sex CAN kill – incredibly disgusting proof, but proof …”
“His many, many attempts to obtain a Darwin Award finally met with success …”
My first thoughts too.
“It’s a shame the driver of the car that hit his motorcycle walked away with a scratch.”
“Anybody want to help out by adopting one of the many cats that have overrun his house and partially ate the body before he was discovered?”
“Can you belive his last words were Hey now y’all watch this.”
“Damn, who would have thought that many fireworks could all go off at once.” (hopefully next Tuesday won’t be an occasion to say this one.)
“We now invite the wife and mother of the deceased to come forward and reflect on the boy he was and the man he became. To aid in their reminiscence, we’ve provided these recently discovered boxes of magazines and unlabeled video tapes – items that were clearly important to him considering how well he had them hidden…”
“Up until now, Ebola had never been known to last more than a week. Which explains the large Glad Bag inside the casket.”
“I’m sure his loved ones will take a certain pride in knowing that an entire phylum of previously unknown carnivorous insects is now named after him.”
“Excuse us, but we’re the Olsen twins and we were answering that Match.com ad? Oh, in there? Well, never mind, then.”
We will now have a slide show of his porn collection.
Might work better slightly amended:
“Due to the fact that we have been unable to find any other evidence whatsoever that he had a personal life, we will now have a slide show of his porn collection.”
And then have it set to Music Box Dancer.
Gymnasts?
Which is why you must have a Porn Buddy.
“I can’t believe he ate the whole thing.”
“We don’t know why we found his hand there.”
“Brainsssssss”
Crickets
HAR!
And now I understand there will be a few words from the Reverend Fred Phelps… :eek:
“…And, since our sarcasm-o-meter is busted, we have to deduce that Superdude really DID want ‘Joe Piscopo’s Greatest Impressions’ on a continuous loop for all eternity.”
I’m so glad to see so many people here today, although I’m not quite sure why you’re all wearing party hats.
Apparently the doctor arrived with the cure 2 seconds after he died. The golf game ran long.
Serious answer:
“…the deceased never married and had no children…”
Less serious answer:
“…he was, uhh, really, uhh, something. Yeah, a… uhhh… unique guy.”
“As a representative of the International Supermodels Guild, I’m here to lament his passing. Sadly, he passed only hours before our scheduled orgy…”
-Joe, not deep
“We all hope that Rand Mcnally will take solace in the fact that he was Buffalo Bob’s last victim.”
“The Soylent Corporation would like to welcome you to this memorial service…”
I guess that’s what they’re gonna say about me.
“Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a meeting of the Necrophiliacs Club.”