“As we mourn Elfie’s passing, I cannot help but be reminded of the great Mad Magazine’s obituary for Blue Bonnet - after her passing her ashes were scattered over all 50 states because everything tastes better with a little Blue Bonnet on it. With that in mind Elfie’s family requested a cremation…”
“Although love and friendship continued to elude Doug, his later years were made more bearable by advances in diabetic care, which allowed him to again pursue two of his life’s great passions: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and gin.”
This is one I hear more often than not at funeral services for those who were not regular churchgoers:
“Although I didn’t really know her, by all accounts ‘Jane’ was…”
I’ve stipulated that no one who didn’t really know me should be allowed to say anything at my funeral beyond, “Since I didn’t really know her, I will now introduce a few people who did…”
**The LAST thing you’d want to hear at your EULOGY! **
Um, what was his name again? Oh, never mind. Next!
“I never knew him except as a cranky old fool with a sclerotic mind who defended the worst tyrants our world has ever known. George Bernard Shaw, the man who defended both Hitler and Stalin without a hint of irony, would blanche at just how out of touch this man became in his long, slow twilight.”
“I’m moving this eulogy from Cafe Society to IMHO.”
(Also, “And so, as we are gathered here today, Thursday, June 30, 2005…”)
So, who’s got the BBQ sauce?
We will now play “Wind Beneath My Wings” as The Sausage Creature’s father reads her favorite passage from “The Celestine Prophecy”.
If any of those three things (Wind Beneath My Wings, My father, and new age “literature”) are present at my funeral, expect the existence of [del]vengeful and bloodthirsty[/del] spirits to be proven.
My brother and I found this at the beginning of Isaac Newton’s biography:
“He was not a pleasant man…”
I joke with my brother saying that if he dies first, that that’s what I’ll say at his eulogy 
A few different candidates.
•::Wild AK-47 fire, sounds of an angry mob, and someone saying ‘get rope…and the cameras!’::
•“And now, as we gather here today, let us reflect on that fact that despite our political, religious, class, and national differences—those things that would have had us at each others’ throats, normally—we have been brought together, united, by a single cause…our total, unending, hatred of Ranchoth. Now, let the defiling begin!”
•“And now, Wavy Gravy, Michael Moore, and Julia ‘Butterfly’ Hill would like to say a few words…everyone, please join hands.”
“Over the teeth and through the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!”
“… that he knew of…”
"They’re almost done tapping the kegs, and the band is almost done setting up.
…
…
…
And in case you were confused, this is a celebration of his death, not his life."
“Bluethree saved and invested her whole life, scrimping and saving, doing without, always postponing gratification in order to save for a luxurious, extended retirement. She died at age 60. Since she had no dependents and left no will, her considerable fortune will divided up between all of you, her six ex-husbands.”
And now the music of The Carpenters, Minnie Ripperton, and Donna Fargo, the deceased is sure to like this music.
Note: I can’t stand the music of the above, I have taken some extraordinary steps to avoid listening to it.
What are my odds of being #7?
“Hey, is he still breathing?”
“Uhm… No. Lemme just put this pillow on his face. Uhm… so he’s more comfortable.”
“…longtime companion…”
“…committed bachelor…”
“…complications from pneumonia…”
Today’s date.